Canadians who have always felt that Torontonians were "in the dark" finally have been proven correct as the city, along with much of the rest of the eastern seaboard, fell victim to a massive power outage.
"This is Sunday Reports, with host Wendy Miserly."
"It's a pretty extreme way for TROC to make its point," Marissa Wackenhut, who was cured of her agoraphobia by being stuck in an elevator for 16 hours, commented.
The power outage appears to have started in Ohio State, and quickly spread south as far as Chicago and north as far as Thunder Bay. In the hours after the outage started, although nobody knew what had happened, a representative of Ohio's governor's office said: "We can't rule out terrorism." After a moment of stunned silence, she added: "Of course, strictly speaking, we can't rule out alien intervention or Gray Davis as the cause of the power outage, either. Feel free to panic according to whichever conspiracy theory appeals to you most."
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg blamed the power outage on excessive Canadian electricity demand, which now appears to be wrong. Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien blamed it on the American system, which now appears to be correct. However, Canadian newspapers excoriated the Prime Minister anyway. "What else is new?" he said with a shrug.
Investigators currently believe that the outage started when power going one way along the grid reversed itself and went back the way it came. This is sort of like acid reflux, only there isn't enough Tums in the world to deal with it. Overloaded by the energy, the first power station shut down. Needing energy, that part of the grid started sucking it from other power stations, creating overloads in demand that shut them down. And they told two power stations, and they told two power stations...
Early indications are that the age of the electric grid, parts of which are 50 to 60 years old, may have contributed to the power failure. If it was a human being, the power grid would be seriously contemplating taking Viagra and retiring from its job to watch endless reruns of Murder, She Wrote. For some reason, the thought that our power grid is more concerned with dental adhesives than running my appliances worries me.
Critics of North American energy policy claim that deregulation - which brought us such delights as corruption and runaway prices - is largely to blame, since it gives power companies little incentive to spend money on developing infrastructure. You could say the power grid died for Enron's sins.
United States President George W. Bush, wearing full fireman's gear, drove up to the White House in a bright red fire engine named "Spirit of America." "The President is not using this crisis to bolster his image," a White House spokesperson stated, "But doesn't he look just dreamy in that get-up?" Sigh. It's true: journalists love a man in uniform.
Despite the fact that the source of the outage was then unknown, the Bush administration lost no time in renewing its calls for increased oil drilling in Alaska and tax breaks to oil companies. "That way," the President remarked, "we will be able to definitely rule out caribou and Halliburton the next time the grid goes down."
So far, Ontario's Ernie Eves government has not demanded emergency financial relief from the federal government. I've got three days, 16 hours and 23 minutes in the office pool - the winner gets a nifty wind-up computer, generously donated by Botswana. In the wake of the crisis, Eves urged Ontarians to conserve energy, committing his government to doing its part by not recalling the legislature until February 22, 2006.
One bright spot of the power outage: approximately 50 million people were encouraged to go outside and see Mars, which was at its closest point to the Earth in 66,000 years.
With freezers not running for as many as 24 hours, citizens affected by the power outage are concerned about the safety of their food. So far, they have been offered wisdom such as: "When in doubt, throw it out," and "Green is not a good cheese colour." The only people not worried by the outage are college students in films and on television, who appear to have the ability to eat any foodstuff, no matter how old or compromised, with no apparent ill effect. Several studies are currently underway to determine if this immunity to spoiled food can be replicated in the real world.
Many families, not wanting to let perfectly good food spoil, went to great lengths to finish what they had in their freezers. The following is a dramatization of what happened in many households across North America:
"Timmy, finish your roast beef, mashed potatoes, hot dogs, hamburgers and chicken wings this instant!"
"But, dad, I'm full!"
"I want that plate spotless, mister, or no strawberry shortcake, apple cobbler, ice cream and baklava for you!"
"I think I'm gonna puke..."
"Jenny, is that roast potatoes, pork chops, coleslaw and a rack of ribs I see on your plate?"
Funny how a crisis brings out the yenta in all of us, isn't it?
On a related note, Alberta Premier Ralph Klein said, "If Ontario has any meat they're not sure of, they should send it west. I know a lot of farmers who aren't so fussy what they feed their cattle..." Can somebody please check the prions on this guy?
Meanwhile, in Baghdad, Iraqis who weren't cheering the North American loss of power were confused by it. "Are they bombing themselves?" asked native Aziza Tariqi. "Americans - who can understand them?"
Common events like the power outage can bring out the worst in people, giving them licence to loot, kill each other and sing "You Light Up My Life" drunk and out of key. However, they can also show human beings at their best. Consider the heartwarming story of little Johnny Austerlitz, who had been waiting 14 months for a precious kidney that would restore him to a normal life. Miraculously, one was found, and he was on the operating table the afternoon the energy went out. By the time the emergency generator kicked in, there was blood everywhere and little Johnny was...err...that is...uhh...
Well, the story sounded heartwarming in rehearsal.
For updates on the power situation, go to the NewsWeird Web page and click on the Sunday Reports icon. For those of you unable to connect to the Internet, the Ceeb is setting up a dozen psychics across Ontario. Think hard to contact the psychic in your area...