Too Little: In a last ditch attempt to derail the election of the first homosexual Bishop in the history of the Episcopal Church, a man came forward and claimed Reverend Gene Robinson had made a "lewd proposition" to him. The charge was dismissed when an investigation revealed that the proposition was: "God is love, and god loves all people equally." Robinson was subsequently elected.
Too Late: Canadian Bishop Fred Henry warns Prime Minister Jean Chretien that he risks eternal damnation if his government legalizes same sex marriages, perhaps not realizing that Chretien surrendered his immortal soul when he went into politics.
Too Bad: Does anybody remember Roy Romanow's suggestion of creating an independent council to monitor the $80 billion spent on health care in Canada? You...do? Our mistake - we'll try again in a few months.
"From a pit on Bloor Street that will one day be luxury condos, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
Actually, this is still Ian Hawdogoatsing filling in for Joe Anchor, who is currently on vacation rehab assignment. Or something...
Everybody talks about corporate malfeasance, but does anybody actually do anything about it? Trade and commerce reporter Monique Moosehead investigates.
"Does Canada need a federal securities regulator? As Marina Podberki, Vice President of New Instruments of MultiNatFinancial, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, told a "dumb persons" committee set up by Ottawa: 'It would be easier to pull a fast one on a single underfunded federal regulator than it has been to pull a fast one on 13 underfunded provincial regulators.' After a couple of seconds of stunned silence, Podberki chuckled. 'Oops, my bad,' she explained. 'That was actually my speech for next week's directors' meeting. Actually, what I meant to say was: I believe that a strong central regulator will be better positioned to catch and punish illegal corporate behaviour than a bunch of weak provincial regulators.' From Turleneck, New Brunswick, this is Monique Moosehead."
Yes, I know investigates is not the same as reports, but I see nothing wrong with using a wider selection of verbs to - ahem. Ontario's flirtation with private health care continues. Is it good for citizens? Sylvia Ferberance...snoops around.
"The number of MRI technicians who haven't been poached by a private clinic now stands at six. At this rate, the public system will not be effectively destroyed in a couple of years. With a shrug, Ontario Premier Ernie Eves sang 'I Never Promised You a Rose Garden' and promised to increase health care spending without increasing the provincial deficit. Must be an election in the offing... From Sid's All You Can Eat Haggis in Penticton, BC, this is Sylvia Ferberance snooping around."
At a different press conference, Premier Eves told reporters: "I happen to personally believe that marriage is between a man and a woman." This contrasts with a statement he made last year that: "My point of view on this issue is that if two people decide they want to be in a union, why should I interfere with that?" To court the 905 bigot vote? Yep. Definitely an election. A wishy washy one, perhaps, but an election nonetheless.
That perennial problem - is there a Canadian who can identify any of last year's Gemini winners? - has cropped up once aga - oh, no, sorry. That other perennial problem - relations between Toronto's police officers and the city's black community - has cropped up once again. Anson Bergecheck looks into it for us.
"Ontario Minister of Public Safety and Security Bob Runciman has angered members of the province's black community by saying, 'I think some folks appear to have a vested interest in seeing' racial tensions continue. Runciman has a point. His Conservative government has never passed by an opportunity to capitalize on public fear and racial tensions - why should it be forced to share this powerful tool? For The Irrational, this is Anson Bergecheck looking into things in East Purgatory, Saskatechewan."
They're perfectly good verbs, for crying out loud! Why don't you look into a dictionary once in a - a - a new effort to cut down garbage through recycling has been suggested. But, will it catch on with newspaper readers? Environment reporter Indigo Skye checks it out.
"Consumers were recently asked to bind their used newspapers with cord to make it easier to recycle them. But, this is just the beginning. Within the next 18 months, consumers will be asked to mulch used newsprint themselves. 'It's not a difficult process. Just wash used newspapers in a bathtub full of lukewarm water for three to six hours, using a chemical that you will soon be able to get in any hardware store to dissolve the ink. Then, put the pulpy mass that's left into special puce boxes for pick-up,' explained Alexa Beniquez, spokeswoman for the pulp and paper industry. 'Or, if you're worried about excessive water consumption, you could just spit on the paper until the same effect is achieved,' she helpfully added. Checking it out for The Irrational, this is Indigo Skye."
Bllfffftttt!
"After six years, CTV talk show host Mike Bullard is moving to Global Television, which will allow him to broadcast 50 more shows a year. There is, however, no truth to the rumour that Bullard will come before the CRTC at its next round of hearings to apply for a licence for Mike TV, his own cable network. This is Eloise Tendentious enacting an unspecified verb from Ottawa."
He was a star of stage, screen and celebrity roasts. And, now, he's dead. Arts reporter Jian Gezundheight...reports.
"Performing legend Bob Hope died last night at the age of 100. We wanted to pay appropriate tribute to his contribution to comedy, so here is 20 seconds of a photograph of a broken crutch.
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"For The Irrational, this is Jian Gezundheight."
Gezundheight will have an expanded obituary - 15 minutes of a photograph of a broken crutch - on Absolutely, Definitely, Most Assuredly, Well and Truly, Could Not Possibly Be Mistaken For Your Parents' Art Programme. ADMAWaTCNPBMFYPAP airs Friday nights - check local listings for the time in your area.
For someone who is genuinely funny, we turn to The Irrational's own zany commentator T-Rex Murphy.
"Almost half a dozen high school students were jailed in Waterloo for truancy this past year. This is a good start towards the criminalization of adolescence, but I believe Canada can do better. How about a mandatory minimum of six months for heavy petting? Or, six to twelve months for dressing like a punk or a Goth. And, talking back? Lock them up and throw away the key. This may seem harsh, but I believe you will find that, after only a few hundred 'examples,' our teenagers will be much better behaved. From somewhere deep in the collective hindbrain, this is T-Rex Murphy for The Irrational."
Ha ha. You gotta love his sense of humour.
"I wasn't kidding."
No, please, stop! Ha ha ha ha ha - you're killing me!
American President George Bush is at it again. "We learned a lesson on September 11, and that is our nation is vulnerable to attack..." he said, adding: "the best way to secure America is to get the enemy before they get us, and that's what's happening in Iraq." You know, I never get tired of pointing out that Iraq was neither allied with terrorists nor a threat to the US when the coalition of the shilling invaded the country. Some rebukes of government falsehoods just get better with age.
Later in the broadcast, we'll have more on Bush's war on intelligence...