The war on Iraq is over. More or less. In most parts of the country. For now. And, now that the shooting is over (give or take a bullet or two, here and there), our first impulse might be to turn our attention to other pressing matters, such as the apparent collapse of the Yankees. However, important events are still occurring in Iraq and, at the risk of alienating audiences with short attention spans, Deadline Ne - I said, AT THE RISK OF ALIENATING AUDIENCES WITH SHORT ATTENTION SPANS DEADLINE NEWS PRESENTS THIS SPECIAL REPORT ON THE PEACE IN IRAQ.
Sorry about that.
The United States, now firmly in control of Iraq, has belatedly decided that United Nations sanctions are bad for the people of the country. So, it has convinced the UN to lift the sanctions, and, oh, by the way, recognize the US and UK occupation of Iraq as legitimate. In return, the UN will get a pat on the head and a coffee mug that says, "I [heart] America." I guess those cheese eating surrender monkeys aren't so bad...if it's you they're surrendering to.
Remember when the United States promised an interim government of Iraqis by June? Civilian Administrator L. Paul Bremer recently commented: "Oh, it'll happen in June, we're just not sure what year." You can't argue with logic like that. (You'll be called anti-American, lose your job and spend the rest of your life washing your mouth out with soap and water if you do.)
WorldCom Inc. has been given a contract worth $45 million to develop a small wireless communications network in Iraq. Ten more of these contracts, and the company will be able to pay off the $500 million SEC settlement to reimburse investors who lost money due to the company's fraudulent financial reporting. Hmm...given the widespread looting in Iraq, WorldCom executives should feel right at home.
A couple of weeks ago, President George Bush boasted that the Al Qaeda terrorist network was all but finished. A few days ago, Al Qaeda claimed responsibility for a bombing in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, as if to say, "Not so fast, Mister President." Another bomb attack, this time on Casablanca, Morocco, believed to be the work of Al Qaeda, may contain the message: "Lock up your daughters, the boys are back in town!" The President is considering a range of responses, including: resuming the war on Afghanistan ("Make me a liar, will you?"); selective assassination of suspected terrorists ("Think you're tough? Here! Have a taste of this!"), and; possible military action against Saudi Arabia ("Fold your cards, pardner - I play to win!"). Only time will tell how many people will die in the course of this conversation.
Despite the end of the war, sporadic fighting continues in locations around Iraq. To understand why this is happening, Deadline News reporter...Buffy interviewed an Iraqi fighter, who referred to himself only as Mohammed.
"Okay, Mohammed, the war is pretty much over. Why are you still fighting?"
"Blame Susan Sarandon."
"Susan Sarandon?"
"Yes. Oh, and, while you're at it, throw in Martin Sheen and Sean Penn."
"Why?"
"Their anti-war speeches and acts made us believe that the United States was not truly committed to this war. I was comforted by this, and decided to fight to my dying breath."
"Uhh, Mohammed, not to doubt what you say in way, but...well, we're sitting in a crater...all of your friends and family have been killed by bunker busting bombs - didn't that suggest to you that the Americans were serious about this war?"
"Uhh...that was one argument on the surrender and beg for my life side, sure. But it wasn't as persuasive as Martin Sheen and...and Janeane Garofalo."
"So, you saw American anti-war protesters on television -"
"What's that?"
"What?"
"Television. What is that?"
"You don't have a TV?"
"No."
"Radio?"
"Yes."
"Oh, so you -"
"But, no electricity to run it."
"Then, how could you have known of the protests? Mohammed? How - Mohammed! Where did you go?"
Thanks, Buffy, for that...that hard-hitting report.
In a related story, in an attempt to control civil unrest in the country, the American occupation force will require Iraqi civilians to give up automatic and heavy weapons. In response, the National Rifle Association is considering a court challenge to the policy. "You start banning weapons in foreign countries," outgoing NRA President Charlton Heston stated, "and next thing you know, Americans will be living in a police state!"
American inspectors are going home, having found no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. In a related story, an American court has, against all the evidence, found Saddam Hussein guilty of conspiring to take part in the 9/11 terrorist attack on the United States. So, the metaphor now goes like this: A man has his nose bloodied by a mugger. In defiance of local authorities, he attacks people in a house on the other side of town. It's in the neighbourhood of the mugger, but none of the family members fits the profile. The man hires a detective to find a link between the head of the family and the mugging, but he comes up empty. He goes to court and, despite a glaring lack of evidence, has the head of the family convicted of the mugging. And, he wonders why people in the neighbourhood don't like him.
First, it was SARS in Toronto. Now, it's Mad Cow Disease on the Prairies. Could President Bush be right? Is god really on America's side? We'll have more information on that...as soon as god agrees to give Deadline News an interview...
There are reports that "I Love You, You Love Me," the theme song of Barney the dinosaur, is being repeatedly played to Iraqi prisoners in order to "help them become cooperative." Human Rights Watch has determined that this contravenes the Geneva Convention, which specifically forbids the use of children's show theme songs to inflict torture upon prisoners of war. In response, Press Secretary Ari "I've Served My Time, Can I Get My Private Sector Paycheck Now?" Fleischer stated: "We don't consider them prisoners of war, we say we're simply 'keeping them in after class for detention.'" Fleischer added that he would be happy to supply members of Human Rights Watch with a looped tape of the theme from Spongebob Squarepants if they are not convinced.
When we come back: coordinating your wardrobe with the colour of the day's announced terror alert status is easier than you think. Stay with us...