Another Great Canadian Achievement: Cod stocks off Newfoundland collapse days before it is announced that larger fish in waters throughout the world are disappearing. Another first for Canada!
Talk About Viewing Religiously: In the latest census, 20,000 Canadians list their religion as "Jedi." George Lucas is embarrassed.
Go, Tories, Go: The Ontario Conservative Party, having learned nothing from the Magna fiasco, unveils its election platform at a go-kart track. Jokes about driving in circles and making a lot of noise going nowhere abound.
"This is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
Ontario goes to the polls. Correspondent Anson Bergecheck reports.
"Ontario Premier Ernie Eves has said that a provincial election will have to wait because his government has crises - including SARS and the Catholic schools teachers' lockout - to mismanage. While an election is still possible, most observers think it is unlikely since the government is now employing the time tested "Hanging On By Your Fingernails Until the Polls Are More Favourable" strategy. This is Anson Bergecheck reporting."
Oh. Okay. Maybe they don't.
Canada's long awaited new drug law, rumoured to decriminalize marijuana has been unveiled. Health reporter Sylvia Ferberance, uhh, reports.
"Canada's new drug law, just tabled in the legislature, reduces penalties for possession of small amounts of marijuana, but increases penalties for growing and selling it. So, the government is saying you can smoke weed, you just can't buy it from anybody. Americans, and Canadian wannabes, are already screaming that this minimal change will send the world to hell in a handbasket. (A very handsome Paul Gaugin designer handbasket, to be sure, but still...) What do they want? Will they not be satisfied until casual users are jailed for life? Oh...right. In Ottawa, this is Edna Ferberance, for The Irrational."
So, okay, that didn't quite work out, either. However, Prime Minister Jean Chretien is finally mending fences with the United States after having refused to let Canada join the war on Iraq. Ian Hawdogoatsing has this report from Ottawa.
"Prime Minister Jean Chretien crowed about Canada's balanced budget, pointing out that the United States is projecting a deficit of over a trillion (with a t) dollars over the next decade. In response, Ari "Am I Really Still Here?" Fleischer stated: 'Hey! Our billionaires need their tax cuts to keep the economy going!' Then, realizing that he was on message with the wrong message, he added: 'I mean: hey! We've been fighting a war, here! Wars are expensive! Do you not get DNN in Canuckistan?' Meanwhile, all those conservative economists and politicians who argued vociferously against budget deficits in the 1980s and 1990s turned beet red and refused to look anybody in the eye. This is Ian Hawdo -"
Ian?
"Yes, Joe?"
Wasn't there any reconciliation in the Prime Minister's speech?
"Not unless you count the part where he said, 'I hate to poke such a close ally in the eye with a sharp stick, but...' Joe."
Oh. Okay. Thanks. That was Ian Hawdogoatsing reporting from Ottawa.
Here's a brain teaser for you. When SARS broke out in Toronto, politicians like Jean Chretien and Ernie Eves visited Chinatown to show it was safe. In the wake of Mad Cow Disease, Alberta Agriculture Minister Shirley McLellan and her federal counterpart, Lyle Vanclief, shared a steak dinner to show that Canadian beef was safe. Given the AIDS epidemic, which has killed far more Canadians than either SARS or Mad Cow, why has no politician come forward to publicly demonstrate safe sex techniques?
Announcements about lineups for the fall theatre season are starting to be made. As arts reporter Eloise Tendentious reports, one production worth looking forward to is Jason Sherman's new play The Message.
"The family of Marshall McLuhan has convinced the Tarragon Theatre not to open its new season with Jason Sherman's The Message, claiming it misrepresents the last year of the media guru's life. As McLuhan might have said, 'The conditions made possible by the introduction of electronic media made the popularity of Survivor: Black Hole of Calcutta not only likely, but positively beneficial.' This is Eloise Tendentious, reporting from Toronto."
For crying out loud - who is writing these intros? To hell with that - introduce your own segment!
"Toronto area Member of Parliament Dennis Mills is still hoping to get the federal government will put up some of the $10 million cost to bring the Rolling Stones to Toronto for a free concert. The band's itinerary would be as follows: airport to hotel; hotel to concert venue; concert venue to hotel; hotel to airport. How this is supposed to show the world that the city is a safe place to visit despite SARS is anybody's guess. This is Jason Petersburgovitz, reporting from Moosejaw."
Nope. Still don't trust the intro writers. Go to the next segment without an intro.
"The cover of the Canadian edition of Time magazine features a map of North America with Canada missing and the headline: 'Would anyone notice if Canada disappeared?' Hmm...an American magazine that only publishes a handful of local content uses those pages to attack the country it's sucking advertising revenue out of. Good business plan. The Post and the Sun chain would happily slag Canadians and keep the ad money in the country! For The Irrational, this is Humphrey Puffy."
Okay. Okay. I'll try it again. Are you having trouble sleeping at night? Science may have a cure for you, and don't gag if it involves sheep's intestines! Pallas Athena, transportation and sacrifices reporter gives us the 411.
"A new biography of President John F. Kennedy by Robert Dallek claims the President suffered from gut problems leading to constant diarrhea, and was prone to infections of the urinary tract. Robert! Too much information, Bobbie! In future, biographical writers should only reveal details of their subjects' lives that they are willing to reveal about themselves. Not only will it lessen the embarrassment all around, but we might get biographies that are less than 800 pages long. This is Subaru Debutante, reporting from Washington."
Okay. That's it. I'm reading the rest of this broadcast's news!
Last month, Bryson Pecobia reported on an attack on American troops in the Iraqi town of Al-Qsram. Upon further investigation, it appears that Pecobia could not have reported from the Iraqi town of Al-Qsram because there is no Iraqi town of Al-Qsram. Pecobia was, in fact, reporting from his apartment in Scarborough. In his defense, Pecobia claims that he was having a bad hair day, and it would have been cruel to have forced him to go out. Despite this minor lapse in judgement, The Irrational has complete faith in Pecobia's reportorial skills and stands by his previous reports.
A programming announcement: owing to low ratings, American networks refuse to carry Saturday's hockey playoffs in prime time. So, look for Hockey Night in Canada, starting at six am.
Later in the show: Ontario's Conservative Party considers a ban on western beef because of possible mad cow contamination, infuriating Alberta's Conservative Party. It's sad when lovers fall out...