Gentlemen, SARS Your Engines: Now that the World Health Organization has lifted its advisory against traveling to Toronto, people in the rest of Canada wonder: is it safe to smugly despise the city again?
Irony Deficiency: Donald Rumsfeld tells Iran the United States will not tolerate any country interfering with the internal politics of Iraq, and not a single American gets the joke.
Shiite Happens: American troops fire on Iraqi protesters, killing 13 and wounding as many as 75. Rumsfeld says free people are free to freely die at the hands of a foreign occupying army. Americans still not laughing as irony takes another hit.
Can't West?: CanWest Global has replaced senior employees at its financially strapped National Post newspaper. Is this a case of rearranging the deck hands on the Titanic?
The Orphan Defense: companies that reported inflated earnings to boost their stock prices, including WorldCom, Enron and Qwest, are asking for refunds on the taxes they paid, arguing that they didn't make as much as they had claimed. Chutzpah is redefined yet again.
"From a corner booth in the back of Sung-Tao Sushi on Spadina, this it The Irrational, with host Joe Anchor."
Good evening. Joe is on a leave of absence to take a course in Anchor management. Filling in for him, I'm Ian Hawdogoatsing.
For the latest on the SARS virus, we go to Sylvia Ferberance, reporting from Ottawa.
"Ian, no new cases of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome have been reported in close to a month, and the World Health Organization has lifted its travel warning for Toronto. Does this mean the worst is over? ABSOLUTELY NOT! HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF THE WEST NILE VIRUS? PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! THAT BUZZING YOU HEAR IS YOUR IMMINENT PAINFUL DEMISE! COVER EVERY INCH OF YOUR BODY THE MOMENT YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, EVEN IN SWELTERING HEAT! ESPECIALLY IN SWELTERING HEAT! BETTER YET: NEVER...LEAVE...YOUR...HOUSE! This is Sylvia Ferberance for The Irrational."
United Nations chief weapons inspector Hans Blix has offered to head back to Iraq with his team now that the country has been conquered by the United States. To date, the US has refused his offer. However, as The Irrational's Subaru Debutante reports, Blix has not been idle in this time.
"How...how many sprinkles? Are they within limits set by the United Nations?"
"Hans Blix' work in Iraq may be over, but he hasn't been idle. Last month, Tim Horton's issued orders to its bakers to stop making oversized doughnuts. The chain hired Blix to go into its stores across Canada to ensure that the rules on doughnut size are being respected. Some store owners are beginning to treat with suspicion any customers with a heavy Swedish accent, but Blix insists that he has been given free reign to search where he will, and is confident that the integrity of the results will speak for themselves. In Ottawa, this is Subaru Debutante."
In a Toronto Star poll, the readers' choice for best dressed Canadian male was Don Cherry. Clearly, being colour-blind and pattern-unselfconscious is a plus in this country, Hoser Chic being one more thing that differentiates us from our southern neighbours. For some reason, I find no comfort in this...
Liberal leadership candidate Rip van Martin recently awoke and began to talk in policies, a sure sign that an election is mere months away. Rahul Festrunk reports.
"Paul Martin started his Liberal leadership campaign by stating that Canada should take a role in the American missile defense system initiative, popularly known as Star Wars. Oddly, his chin started growing as soon as the idea left his lips. Then, he stated that Canada should be prepared to act on its own (read: in collaboration with the United States) when consensus could not be reached at the United Nations, and...and his voice began to deepen. Could Martin be haunted by the ghost of Brian Mulroney? And, what did Canada ever do to deserve that? Reporting from Ottawa, this is Rahul Festrunk for The Irrational."
The war on Iraq is all but over, but the repercussions continue to be felt. War correspondent Germaine Tims-Stimson has this report.
"We cannot afford to fail the American people, especially our troops overseas."
"With this statement, Treasury Secretary John Snow argued that it was necessary to pass President George Bush's $750 billion tax cut package. The circle of justification is now complete: wage war to protect the American way of life; change the American way of life to protect warriors. Representatives of the Bush administration have hinted off the record that troops on foreign soil will be used to justify a lot of the government's domestic policies, including funding cutbacks to schools and hospitals, easing of environmental protections and efforts to undermine the Roe vs. Wade decision on abortion. This is Germaine Tims-Stimson reporting from...Washington by way of Iraq."
The United States has made public a road map to peace in the Middle East. Both Israelis and Arabs are skeptical, however, since everybody knows that men don't like to consult maps.
Is Canadian television programming in jeopardy? Arts correspondent Eloise Tendentious reports on the latest finding flap.
"It all began when Finance Minister John Manley took $25 million out of the Canadian Television Fund, threatening the future of popular shows like This Hour Has 22 Minutes and critically acclaimed shows such as The Eleventh Hour. Then, Heritage Minister Sheila Copps announced that the money would be reinstated. Soon after, Manley told Copps that she would have to find the money in her own ministry, because she would otherwise have to pry it from his cold, dead budget. This would make a great soap opera, except, of course, that there's no money to produce it. But, hey, doesn't Sonja Smits look great leading protests? In Ottawa, this is Eloise Tendentious reporting for The Irrational."
I've always wondered: Is The Eleventh Hour half the show 22 Minutes is, or is it the other way around?
Later in the broadcast: American Ambassador Paul Cellucci has warned the Canadian government that if it insists upon liberalizing the country's marijuana laws, there will be increased delays at the border. Some Canadians are outraged at this renewed attack on the country's sovereignty, others are wondering why Cellucci has stated positions on more policies than Liberal Party leadership candidates John Manley and Sheila Copps...