"Tonight: Ontario's plan to ban teachers' strikes: eating their hands at the mongrel dogs who teach?
"Crib erector monomaniac electorate. Has the world stopped making sense to you? Later in the broadcast, festooned saliva hugga mugga sashaying intertwined bookcases.
"Even later in the broadcast: American rabid attack dog James Woolsey makes threatening noises..."
"Arf wrowrf rowf Syria grr grr grr terrorist supporting fascists woof woof regime change yap yap yap!"
"Will Syria be America's next target, or should Woolsey be put down?
"This is The Irrational, with Joseph Anchor."
Good evening. Cases of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome are increasing, the number of dead in Canada alone having risen to 15. But, is it a serious threat to your personal health? Sylvia Ferberance reports.
"This is what is known about SARS: the most likely place to catch it is still a hospital. It is not easy to catch, and can be avoided by simple acts such as frequent and thorough washing of the hands. If caught early, the disease is easily controlled. So, given all of this, now is obviously the time to PANIC! SHUT YOURSELF IN YOUR HOME AND NEVER GO OUT! STOP SEEING FRIENDS! STOP SEEING FAMILY! GET ALL YOUR FOOD AND GROCERIES DELIVERED TO YOUR HOME AND BUY GUNS TO PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST THE HORDES OF ROAMING LOOTERS WHO ARE EVEN NOW PLOTTING TO STEAL WHAT'S YOURS! Nobody knows if the Howard Hughes defence will actually save you from SARS because, frankly, none of its practitioners are answering their phone. For The Irrational, this is Sylvia Ferberance in Ottawa."
To allay international fears about a World Health Organization warning to stay away from Toronto, Mayor Mel Lastman appeared on the American Deadline News Network. This is a partial transcript of the Interview:
VENEER: Mister Mayor, thank you for agreeing to appear on the show.
LASTMAN: My pleasure, Rex.
VENEER: Now, according to the World Health Organization -
LASTMAN: Who?
VENEER: That's right. WHO. Now -
LASTMAN: No, I asked you.
VENEER: What?
LASTMAN: No. Who?
VENEER: Yes.
LASTMAN: What?
VENEER: The...the World Health Organization.
LASTMAN: Who?
VENEER: Exactly.
LASTMAN: Okay, now I'm totally confused.
The conversation continued in this vein for another 20 minutes. Rumour has it that, after this performance, Lastman is being considered to star in his own reality programme, to be scheduled right after Anna Nicole Smith.
Also on the subject of SARS, a Toronto ad firm has suggested that the city advertise itself to foreign thrillseekers by offering to give them an "Extreme Adventure." Oddly enough, nobody in the municipal government is returning the firm's calls.
Has the United States found the smoking gun that will retroactively justify its going to war in Iraq? War correspondent Germaine Tims-Stimson has this report.
"American troops combing the Iraqi countryside for weapons of mass destruction claim to have found a scientist who claims to have worked on Iraq's chemical weapons programme. There is no way to verify these claims, however, because the Americans won't let reporters interview the scientist. In fact, US military officials refuse to release his name or details of the alleged weapons. I was, however, able to get this partial transcript of the alleged scientist's debriefing..."
SCIENTIST: Oh, yeah. Sure. I worked on Iraq's super-top-secret nuclear weapons pro -
DEBRIEFER: Chemical.
SCIENTIST: Did I say...? Sorry. Chemical weapons. I worked on Iraq's chemical weapons programme. Iraq. Right.
[pause]
DEBRIEFER: And, why have we so far been unable to find any proof that Iraq had a functioning chemical weapons programme?
SCIENTIST: Ah, well, because of the United Nations weapons inspections, Iraq moved all of its chemical weapons to, ahh...Iran?
DEBRIEFER: Syria.
SCIENTIST: Syria. Right. I remember it quite clearly. "Where you going with those chemical weapons?" I asked Saddam. And, he said, "Syria." Just like that. Did I mention he also said he was giving some to Al Qaeda?
DEBRIEFER: How would you know that? Can we edit that part out? Anybody? Can we - we're gonna edit that part out.
SCIENTIST: (shrugs) Okay, okay. No need to snap at me - I was just trying to be helpful...
"If this transcript is correct, expect it to be debated in the United Nations for the next decade while the United States readies itself to take over Syria. This is Germaine Tims-Stimson, reporting from Baghdad."
In a related story, American all news network Deadline News spokespeople have complained about the Ceeb's coverage of the war on Iraq, claiming that it has been biased. Then, Beeb director General Greg Dyke said that, "Personally, I was shocked while in the United States by how unquestioning the broadcast news media was during this war," singling out the Fox News Network as being especially biased. Completing the chain, representatives of Fox complained that Deadline News was too liberal. And, of course, I'm on the Ceeb reporting on all of them. Political bias - it seems that's one thing all media can agree on.
Given its deep financial problems, analysts are calling for the government to allow foreign investment in Canada's airline industry. But is foreign investment really the panacea they claim? Transportation and Human Sacrifices specialist Pallas Athena reports.
"Drastic cuts in fares have forced Air Canada, the country's only major airline, into bankruptcy. Would American investment help? Don Carty, CEO of American Airlines, thinks so, and recently made his case..."
"Canadian, phooey! Your companies got no balls! Cutting airfares was a start, but you didn't follow through by forcing concessions outta your unions! I mean, you guys don't even know how to administer sensitive corporate information! Don't release executive compensation figures until after a big union vote on lower wage and benefit packages - I mean, that's just common sense!"
"Then, Carty resigned. This is Pallas reporting from Dallas for The Irrational.
In a related story, Air Canada head Robert Milton has complained he didn't know what went wrong with the airline. "We cut revenues, demanded absurd concessions from our workers and claimed to have the solution to a crisis we created. It worked for Mike Harris..." The difference, of course, is that when governments don't properly fund services, they turn to business to fill the gap, but when businesses don't properly fund services, they turn to government to help cover their losses.
Later in the broadcast, even less about the Tory leadership convention...