Good evening. Our top story tonight: tensions between India and Pakistan are rising as the two nations trade nuclear missile tests. However, all anybody in our target audience cares about is the war on Iraq, so we now go live to Chrissie Rainitpours, embedded in Tommy Franks' anus. Chrissie?
"Rex, I'm joined by DNN correspondent Fox Blitzkrieg -"
"How can you work in here? Don't you get claustrophobic?"
"Fox, critics of the media's coverage, especially that of television, is that embedded reporters can only give a one-sided, pro-military view of the war. What is your view on the subject?"
"I don't think embedding has affected the quality of American war journalism."
"No?"
"Naah. We've been one-sided and pro-military for decades. Embedding just gives us a great excuse for our typically jingoistic coverage."
"I see. Now, some people have been saying that you know when journalists are losing sight of important issues because they start analyzing their own coverage. What is your response to such allegations?"
"Uhh...you sure you want to follow that thought?"
"A good question. Thanks, Fox. This is Chrissie Rainitpours, reporting live from Tommy Franks' anus... Fox, you wouldn't happen to have a breath mint on you, would you?"
Thanks, Chrissie.
In other news: American Ambassador to Canada Paul Cellucci claimed the country had let down its ally by not supporting the war on Iraq, claiming that the US would support Canada if it was under attack, without question or hesitation. Okay, let's forget the Canadian support for the US after 9/11. Let's forget Canadian support for the US in Afghanistan. Hell, let's forget Ken Taylor's heroic rescue of Americans held hostage in Iran. That's history. I say we shut down Parliament and let Ambassador Cellucci run Canada. Think of all the money we'd save in salaries and pensions alone! But, the beauty part, would be that Canada would never disagree with the United States again! Well, some people think that's important.
People like Canadian Alliance leader Stephen Harper, who called the Chretien government's decision not to send troops to Iraq "the act of a demented lunatic" and referred to Canadians who aren't willing to immediately lay down their lives in the service of American interests "pooheads." Former Alliance leader Stockwell Day added: "Yeah. What he said!" In response, the Speaker of the House is considering sending the Alliance to bed without any supper.
The Amazing Invisible President popped his head out of his hole long enough to appear on DNN this week and say, "Saddam insane! Destroy Iraq to save it! Snarf snarf urk!" Guess that means another six weeks of war...
On the local scene: Toronto City Council has deferred a vote on a motion supported by Police Chief Julian Fantino that would only allow public protests if "the organizers kissed my lily white ass." The head of the Police Services Board argued: "This is not an attack on free speech. It's an attempt to humiliate people the police don't like." Thanks for the clarification, Norm.
In business news: stock markets continued to rise as the United States began its "shock and awe" bombing campaign. "This is amazing!" one broker enthused. "We should blow up an underdeveloped nation every time the market needs a lift!" Mmm...I'd stick to sacrificing chickens if I were you - it's the optics, stupid.
American Conservatives who have, for decades, been arguing against government deficits, are, in the face of President George Junior's projected $1.3 trillion deficit, now saying, "Bring it on, baby!" As one advocate of huge deficits said: "Let's see any future government fund a new social programme now, bwa ha ha ha ha." The Senate, which appears for some secret reason of its own to have rejected this idea, reduced the President's tax cut package from $726 billion to $350 billion. Who has the last bwa ha now?
On the arts scene: Hix nix Chicks war picks? Despite apologizing, protests against The Dixie Chicks are escalating, with bonfires of albums being seriously contemplated. This all started, of course, because lead singer Natalie Maines said, "War bad." One protestor, who preferred to remain anonymous, said, "Shoot, I haven't had this much fun since John Lennon make his god crack!"
Reaction to the Oscars include: "They gave it to what?!"; "He said what?!", and; "What self-respecting mammal would wear that?!" Clip and save these phrases, as they'll be useful responses to awards shows for years to come in.
Sean Hannity, star of the Fox Network's Hannity & Colmes asked, "Are people finally fed up with celebrities speaking out against the President?" Oh, sure. Much better to trust the opinions of people whose only claim to fame is that they have opinions.
The plot is thin, the characters practically non-existent and the jokes not especially funny. Next time the Ontario government presents its budget, would it be asking too much for the Tories to hire better writers?
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: Globe columnist Margaret Wente, who never met a rationale for war she didn't like, says Canada gave the United States the finger when it refused to join the war on Iraq. Not to get biblical about it, but if Canada gave the United States one finger on Iraq, can we say that the United States gave the world an entire hand - the back, to be precise - when it rejected the Tokyo Accord, the International Criminal Court and United Nations weapons inspections in Iraq that - in the eyes of everybody in the world except the US - appeared to be working? Oddly enough, if Wente was an American talking about her own country like this, she would have been tarred, feathered and run out of her newsroom on a rail. Makes you wonder which country really is the home of freedom of speech.
Well, that's my opinion, anyway.
And, finally, Belgian scientists claim that adding fish oil to the fodder of farm animals such as cows and sheep would cut their release of methane gas by 25 to 40 per cent. Hmm...I wonder how they measured that...err - come to think of it, I don't want to know.
Good night.