Still Not Getting It: In order to persuade its allies to send troops and funds to help in the rebuilding of Iraq, the United States decides to ban companies from Canada, France, Germany and Russia from bidding on Iraqi reconstruction contracts.
Groping For Credibility: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger drops plans to hire a detective to look into the allegations of sexual misconduct against him. Hope his plans to allow a newly deregulated energy sector to regulate itself have more credible results.
Not Tolling For Thee: Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty, leaving New York in a snit because Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao was asked to ring the opening bell of the New York Stock Exchange instead of him, claims Ontario does more business with the United States than China. Wrongly. Pundits are already sensing a Liberal leader whose penchant for shooting from the lip will make him a worthy successor to Jean Chretien.
"From the intersection of two wheat fields outside Portage la Prairie, Manitoba, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
For the next couple of weeks, I'll be on the road, going from city to city to get the pulse of what makes this great country of ou -
"Central Canadian chauvinist! Why don't you go back to Toronto and sip your pate out of the Queen's slipper!"
Wha -
"Commie pinko Mother Corporation faggot! It's because of people like you that I wasn't able to realize a huge profit on the construction of my sheep oil pipeline!"
They love me in the west.
The political landscape in Canada is changing.
"No, it's not!"
Oh, hush. I'm a news anchor - you're just some guy standing in a field. Paul Martin is set to take over the Liberal Party in a few days, and the right is uniting...finally! Ian Hawdogoatsing reports.
"Canada no longer has two right wing parties (not counting the Liberals). Representatives of the Federal Alliance Party voted 90 per cent in favour of merging with the Progressive Conservative Party, which voted a whopping 110 per cent in favour of the merger. Irregularities have been suggested, but (former?) Alliance leader Stephen Harper assured the media that the voting was 'completely aboveboard' and, if the election were held again today, the Conservatives would have 'voted 120 per cent in favour of the merger.' Former Tory leader Joe Clark wasn't convinced, but, then, he wouldn't be, would he?
"In a related story, candidates have begun announcing their intention to run for the leadership of the new Conservative Party. They include (definitely former) PC leader Peter MacKay, Harper, Mary Carey, used car alarm salesman Darren Issa and Arnold Schwarzenegger, who announced his candidacy on The Mike Bullard Show, although TV critics were split on whether that would help or hurt his campaign. When asked how he expected to be a credible opposition leader when he is already governor of California, the actor said, 'Ve are going to terminate da Liberal Party!' Reporters would have followed up on the issue, but their attention was diverted when Schwarzenegger was mobbed by sweet young things demanding autographs. From Ottawa, this is Ian Hawdogoatsing for The Irrational."
The controversy over -
"PC pansies are gonna water down the Alliance until the whole thing's not worth a fart in the wind!"
The controversy -
"Don't make fun of Arnie! Maybe he doesn't have any policies, but what other candidate comes from the future to blow away bad guys?"
The -
"Hi, mom!"
AnsonBergecheckreports.
"A just released report by the Ontario Human Rights Commission shows that police in the province have engaged in racial profiling. I spoke with Toronto police chief Julian Fantino about -
FANTINO: Rowf roar bazzfazz rowrf!
IRRATIONAL: It's perhaps natural that you would deny that your officers engage in racial profiling. However, the report came to its conclusions after reviewing dozens of other studies and hearing testimony from dozens of witnesses -
FANTINO: Grrr! Grrr...rowf...rowf rowf!
IRRATIONAL: No, it doesn't necessarily paint all officers as racist. What the report says is that -
FANTINO: Ssssss...rowf! Grr...rowf rowf!
IRRATIONAL: Actually, I'm glad you brought that up. Why would you oppose cameras in police cruisers when you've been an avid proponent of cameras on street corners?
FANTINO: Aaaaarrrrrrr! Grrrrrrr! Ssssss! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
IRRATIONAL: So, you don't want people to assume that all police officers are racist, but you have no problem assuming all citizens are criminals? I - oww! AAARGH! GET HIM OFF ME!
"The interview ended when Fantino bit my leg. This is Anson Bergecheck, reporting from Mount Sinai hospital. Tha...that's an awfully big needle for one tetanus shot..."
The cost of the war on terrorism -
"Go, George, go! Let's kick some Arab ass!"
Appears to be a weakening of democracy at ho -
"My heart bleeds! You wanna -"
Cut it out.
"Excuse me?"
You're just one person who keeps shouting in the middle of my broadcast, pretending that there are actually a lot of you. You don't represent the common man out west - hell, I wouldn't trust you to represent yourself! From now on, you get one comment per news item, buster. Got it?
"Fascist."
Germaine Tims-Stimson has this report.
"Captain James Yee, a former chaplain at Guantanamo Bay, was originally arrested for collaborating with suspected terrorist prisoners. When no evidence of such collaboration was forthcoming, the charges were changed to carrying classified documents off the base. Now, there is some dispute over whether the documents Yee were carrying when he was arrested were classified. 'I'm not worried,' one of the military prosecutors commented. 'We can always get Yee on the "I don't like your looks" charge.' From a small wire mesh cell that smells of urine and vomit, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson reporting over the howls of those who are being driven slowly mad."
You got an opinion on Taiwan?
"Great noodle dishes."
Okay, then. Subaru Debutante reports on the latest diplomatic spat between the United States and a minor power in the world.
"American President George W. Bush warned Taiwan that it would be destabilizing the region if it held a referendum to condemn China's buildup of ballistic missiles aimed at the island. Gee, George, don't you think that a buildup of ballistic missiles is destabilizing? 'Of course not,' the President explained. 'I go to sleep on top of a larger arsenal of weapons than China is developing.' Aah. Glad we could...clear that up. Meanwhile, in a bunker in an undisclosed location, Saddam Hussein is pacing the floor muttering, 'What did I do wrong? I threatened a smaller neighbour, and I wasn't appeased like this! Come on, George! Appease me, big boy, appease me!' Apparently, too much wandering in the desert will do that to you. For The Irrational this is Subaru Debutante reporting from under a biography of Mohandas Gandhi."
Art. Science. Science. Art. Where does the fine line between the two lie? Eloise Tendentious splits the hairs for us in this report.
"Geologists believe that the red sky in Edvard Munch's painting 'The Scream' may have been inspired by an earthquake that threw enough dust into the atmosphere to make it appear red. This offers a fruitful line of investigation for the future. Is it possible that Seurat's pointillism technique was actually developed by looking through a prism? Could Picasso's cubist style have been caused by warps in the space/time continuum? Or, perhaps, are there some things science really cannot - and should not - explain? Asking the hard questions, this is Eloise Tendentious reporting from Paris."
Later in the broadcast, more considered opinion from -
"This 'Scream' painting - does it have dogs playing cards in it?"
Exactly...