So much like the real world, yet so different in so many crucial respects. I'm speaking, of course, of the American Imaginary, that magical place where sworn enemies work together so we can conveniently attack both and cattle farmers in Texas live in constant fear of terrorists plowing jumbo jets into their homes. This is a Deadline News Special Report: Crisis in the American Imaginary.
Good evening. I'm your host, Rex Veneer.
Newspaper headlines screamed: "White death falls from sky." Few injuries were actually reported, although the eastern seaboard was paralyzed, with business in major cities like New York grinding to a halt. It's called snow, guys. It's a natural phenomenon, not a terrorist attack.
Are Americans fixated, or what?
The American government has helpfully suggested that, in case of a terrorist attack, citizens could make a safe shelter in their basements using duct tape. Canadian Minister of Tools Red Green responded that "while we always want to help our American allies, we have to ensure that Canada's vital duct tape supplies are sufficient to meet Canada's needs." He denied rumours that the Chretien government is negotiating a secret deal to supply the United States with duct tape in case of emergency, then invited journalists to "come outside and see my giant goose." Nobody took him up on his offer.
At the same time, people who built bomb shelters in the 1950s were openly gloating. "Kids today don't know what panic is," said shelter owner Mickey "Munkey" Manocchio. "We perfected social panic before you were born!" They stopped gloating when they realized that grass had grown over the doors to the underground shelters and, as a result, they no longer knew where the shelters were.
Turkey now says it will not allow the United States to put military bases in the country unless the US increases its proposed aid package to $30 billion. Colin Powell said that was too much, and suggested that the US will send Special Envoy Tony Soprano to explain to the Turks why reneging on deals is a bad idea in international politics.
Hmm..."coalition of the paid off..." Doesn't have the necessary ring of moral clarity, does it? Strike it from the Imaginary.
One member of the American Invisible Party - known in the real world as the Democrats - turned off his cloaking device long enough to give an impassioned speech where he argued, among other things, "I truly must question the judgment of any President who can say that a massive unprovoked military attack on a nation which is over 50% children is 'in the highest moral traditions of our country.'" Good to see that there's still one Senator who can flip the warmongers in the White House the Byrd, even if coverage of his speech was limited to a paragraph in the back of the classifieds section of the Peahawkin Daily Intelligencer.
Millions of people in countries throughout the world took to the streets protesting against the possible war in Iraq, posing a serious threat to the American Imaginary, in which a grateful world warmly supports American intervention wherever America sees fit to, uhh, intervene. Pro-war journalists were especially incensed that the anti-war demonstrators were not violent, giving columnists no overt reason to dismiss them. "Peaceful peace activists," Margaret Wente commented in The Globe and Mail, "What's wrong with this picture?"
Mmm...
Reaction to the protests was swift. United States National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice said the world "needs to pull itself together." She stopped short of telling the world to go to bed without its supper, but the US has clearly left that option open. Meanwhile, the Sun's Bob MacDonald wrote that world leaders should stand up to the "mob" of peace protestors. Hmm...not listening to the peacefully expressed will of the people - this is the model of democracy those who support war want to impose on Iraq? What exactly will have changed, Bob?
A couple of days later, President George Junior commented that "Democracy is a beautiful thing," but he wouldn't let it get in the way of what he wanted to do. He claimed that doing so would be like saying, "Well, I'm going to decide policy based on a focus group." When asked how much his government had spent on focus groups and other polls, George Junior angrily retorted, "Can we please stay on message, here? Please?"
The peace rallies have had an unexpected effect: they drove down the price of Saddam futures, which are basically bets on the likelihood that the Iraqi dictator will be driven from office by March 31. There is a 75 per cent chance that market players involved in this are insensitive jerks, while its almost a dead cert that the whole exercise is tacky as hell.
Last week, several television networks ran excerpts from an audio tape purported to be from Osama bin Laden. All I can say is: ARE YOU INSANE? DON'T YOU KNOW THOSE TAPES CAN CONTAIN SECRET CODED MESSAGES TO TERRORIST SLEEPER CELLS IN NORTH AMERICA! IF THE OFFICE OF HOMELAND SEC - WHAT? WHAT! ... The State Department authorized the use of the tapes? ... I wish they'd make up their bloody minds!
Proponents of the war dug deep into the Imaginary to suggest that a democratic Iraq will be a model for other Arab states in the region. "Oh, dear," an unnamed member of the Saudi royal family responded. "I guess I better torture as many dissidents as I can before our nation becomes democratic." He then snickered loudly into his beard.
It could have been worse. He could have laughed out loud.
Debate is raging in academia - stay with me; this is more important than it may initially sound - over whether or not scientific journals should publish papers which may give terrorists information about how to develop deadly strains of biological weapons. Hey, if you really want to make the world safer, STOP SELLING BIOLOGICAL AGENTS TO ANY BLOODTHIRSTY REGIME WITH A SMILE AND A SACK FULL OF MONEY!
Just a thought.
And, now, a guest editorial by Nuclear Energy Consultant Homer Simpson: "Critics of this administration's policy on Iraq are saying we're only in it for the oil. This is clearly not the...mmm...oil..." Homer? Homer? "D'oh!"
Well, that's his opinion, anyway.
We have to take a break. When we come back: the European anti-war movement: a bunch of brochette eating, café hopping, beret wearing, smug anti-American intellectuals, or something really sinister? The American Imaginary is harsh on people who insist upon questioning it, but just how harsh can it get? We may be looking at the return of nationality-based light bulb jokes... Stay with us...