NOTE TO AUDITORS: the new year gives us an opportunity to reconsider how we do things, and to dedicate ourselves to improving them. Here at Deadline News, we have decided to bring a little sunshine into your lives by finding a silver lining in each of the day's headlines. It's just our small attempt to make the world a brighter place...
Good evening.
Our top story tonight: even though North Korea is openly flaunting its broken promise not to develop nuclear weapons, going so far as to expel United Nations weapons inspectors, Secretary of State Colin Powell said the United States will not take immediate preemptive military action against it. According to Powell, "I don't want to create a sense of crisis." Meanwhile, in ring three, President George Junior was shouting: "EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! WAR! WAR! WAR! NOW! NOW! NOW!" Clearly, one hand doesn't know what button the other hand is pressing. SILVER LINING: all those people who bought flags to wave during the war in Afghanistan will be able to get them out of mothballs and hang them high. That's value for your dollar!
President George Junior went on to announce that the United States had to attack Iraq in order to protect its economy. Why protecting the American economy from vague, unsubstantiated threats should be a UN priority, he didn't say. This tactic is sometimes referred to in diplomatic circles as "making it up as you go along." SILVER LINING: the new year starts with a chuckle.
In a related story: United Nations Secretary-General Koffi Annan stated that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein had cooperated fully with UN weapons inspectors and, therefore, had given the US no reason to attack his country. Psychiatrists refer to this kind of behaviour as "Unwarranted Assertion of Personal Relevance." If it persists, electroshock therapy may be called for. SILVER LINING: it's just as well the United States hasn't made good on its promise to supply the UN with classified evidence that Hussein has been pursuing the production of weapons of mass destruction - you wouldn't want that information in the hands of crazy people!
In other news: [_] Palestineans died in an Israeli "targeted killing," including [_] children. [_] Israelis were killed in a suicide bombing, including [_] children. [_] Palestineans were killed in an Israeli raid on the West Bank in retaliation for the killing of Israeli civilians. [_] Israelis were killed in an attack on a café in retaliation for the killing of Palestinean civilians. You know the story; simply choose the most relevant sentence and fill in the latest numbers. SILVER LINING: it saves us from having to go to the effort of doing any original reporting.
Ottawa will not be regulating auto factory emissions to ensure they comply with Canada's Kyoto Protocol commitments. Cow flatulence, on the other hand, is still fair game. SILVER LINING: I'm going to enjoy seeing federal bureaucrats measuring cow flatulence out in the field to see if farmers are Kyoto compliant.
Alberta MLA Doug Griffiths said he will not register his gun as a protest against the federal government's firearms law. According to Griffiths, "a firearm is a tool." In response, Sloop Doggy B, leader of the In-law Outlaws gang, said, "At last, a politician who understands the plight of the average inner city working stiff! I would vote for him...if I wasn't stuck in here on a manslaughter charge." SILVER LINING: people who die as a result of gun violence can rest easy with the knowledge that the property rights of gun owners have been vigorously defended.
Tiny pandas wearing swastika baseball caps appeared in paper crackers at a few Christmas parties in Quebec this season. "Oops. Sorry," said Dirk Blodgett, spokesman for the Western Guard. "Hee hee. Those were meant for us." SILVER LINING: if the Chinese toys give pandas a bad enough reputation, the country will be able to stop apologizing for driving them to extinction. BRONZE LINING: Hindus and Jains have plenty of other symbols of good fortune to choose from.
Raelians claim to have created the first human clone. Ho hum. You've experienced one virgin birth, you've experienced them all. SILVER LINING: nobody actually had to have sex with Raelian founder Claude Vorilhon.
An agreement has been signed to build a pipeline across Afghanistan from Turkmenistan to Pakistan. "What a wonderful surprise!" the US State Department chirped. "You get rid of a tyrannical regime, and your puppet government hands your corporations a pipeline!" Asked why the story hadn't been more prominently covered by the press, the State Department chided, "We don't want to embarrass an ally by gushing over its good deeds, you big silly!" It's been a long time since I've seen the State Department so...perky. SILVER LINING: Somewhere, a Unocal sleeps better tonight.
On the entertainment scene: Montana resident Jack Ass is suing media giant Viacom claiming that its film Jackass defamed his character. What a great concept! I'm going to change my name to Titanic and sue James Cameron for making me look like a mindless romantic with no discernible personality! SILVER LINING: if critics can't stop the flow of bad movies to the theatres, perhaps lawsuits can.
And, now, a Deadline News entertainment update: the evolution of Die Another Day print advertisements is almost complete: Halle Berry's Jinx no longer holds a gun, and she is positioned below Pierce Brosnan's James Bond. All the producers need to do is exchange her leather for a bikini and they will manage to have turned one of the most interesting female characters in a Bond film into just another Bond bimbo. SILVER LINING: the yobbos who no longer feel threatened by Jinx' portrayal in the ads should finally be lured into theatres.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: thank goodness for Globe coloumnist Marcus Gee, who brought a little comic relief to a grim holiday season when he wrote: "If the papers didn't expose scandals, corruption would flourish." Laughter is the best - wh - what? What do you mean, he was serious? Did coverage of the scandals in the Mulroney government stop the scandals of the Chretien government? Did coverage of the corrupt business practices in the 1980s even marginally slow down corruption in corporate boardrooms at the end of the millennium? Either Gee is a master satirist, or we should get all Francoise Ducros on his ass. SILVER LINING: either way, we're entertained.
Well, that's my opinion, anyway.
And, finally: this is the time of year for people to share their remedies for hangovers. Here's mine: don't drink alcohol. It's cheap and surprisingly effective. SILVER LINING: using my method, it will be impossible for you to drive drunk, which greatly reduces the possibility of killing somebody while under the influence.
Good night.