Our top story tonight: United States President George Junior has accused Iraq of not cooperating with United Nations arms inspectors, setting the stage for war. The problem? The UN arms inspectors are still preparing for their mission and haven't actually entered Iraq. When this was pointed out to the President, he giggled fetchingly and replied, "Oops. Sorry. That's next week's speech."
In other news: "We are the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids. We are the lollipop kids and we'd like to welcome you to Munchkinland!" A tape of this song has been analyzed by the Central Intelligence Agency, which claims that there is a 97 per cent likelihood that the voice singing belongs to Osama bin Laden. Not only does this prove that bin Laden survived the War in Afghanistan, but also that he has a serious, perhaps terminal addiction to show tunes. Sorry.
As rioting in Nigeria claimed over 150 lives and left at least 10,000 people homeless, contestants of the Miss World Pageant showed pluck by putting together a military unit to defend itself. Called - what else? - Easy Company, its members include: Miss Burkina Faso (5 foot 11, brunette, blue eyes, 36-24-34, would like to be a veterinarian because she loves animals more than people) as the company sniper; Miss Ukraine (5 foot 9, blond, blue eyes, 36-24-34, thinks that the United Nations is the best hope for world peace but hope the United States will kick Iraq butt) as the munitions specialist, and; Miss El Salvador (5 foot 10, brunette, grey eyes, 36-24-34, is torn between having 12 children and becoming a brain surgeon) in charge of special ops. "We refuse to let a bunch of religious fanatics get in the way of our celebration of feminine beauty," grittily commented Easy Company Press Liaison Miss France (6 foot, blond, blue eyes, 36-24-34, wants a career in the media because people need to be told what's happening in the world).
Pageant organizers were so impressed by this display of self-defence that they immediately decided to move the whole thing to London.
The US Army recently fired six Arabic translators after they publicly admitted that they were gay. Fundamentalist followers of Islam probably highly approve of the move, but, ironically, cannot tell the American military because there is no one qualified to translate.
The House of Commons has unanimously overturned a Finance Canada rule that only those who are unable to feed or clothe themselves would be defined as disabled in order to be eligible for a disability tax credit. The vote was widely expected when it was revealed, to Parliament's embarrassment, that even this restricted definition applied to 78 per cent of the members of the Senate.
Premier Ralph Klein took his anti-Kyoto message to Wall Street this past week. The American financial district's response can be summed up as: "We don't know where Alberta is, but, say, where'd you get that nifty hat?"
On the local scene, responding to a Toronto Star series on arrest patterns in police statistics that suggested a racial bias, Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman claimed that: "Cops only arrest bad people." Responding to this, err, response, defense attorneys throughout the city threw up their hands and said, "Well, I guess I wasted $40,000 getting that law degree! My mother was right: I should have gone into facial reconstruction."
In business news: the price of International Fruitbat plummeted yesterday on allegations that there is, in fact, no such company. SEC officials refused to comment on an ongoing investigation, but, when pressed, did admit that they could not find the purported company's prospectus, headquarters or officers, had no idea what the company was supposed to do and did not know where the millions of dollars invested in the company went. "If we had a chairman," one SEC employee, who asked to remain anonymous, told Deadline News, "I'm sure he would promise a thorough investigation that would help restore confidence in our equity markets."
Analyst Jack Grubman, who had given International Fruitbat a buy recommendation for years, was unavailable for comment.
On the entertainment scene: will somebody please tell Michael Jackson that human evolution was meant to take place over thousands of years, not a single generation?
Hey, is it just me, or has Pierce Brosnan's gun barrel in the ads for the new James Bond movie, Die Another Day, been lengthened since they first appeared? Feeling a little inadequate next to Halle Berry's Jinx, Jimmy?
Steven Spielberg has agreed to produce a fourth film in his resurrected dinosaurs franchise, this time employing extinct species of fish. The working title? Jurassic Carp.
And, can somebody please tell me where the hell I can find Qumar?
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: Prime Minister Chretien recently announced an increase in military spending. The Prime Minister claimed that the announcement was not a result of pressure from the United States. If this is true, it proves that Canada really can come up with its own ill-thought through policies. Still, I would be a lot happier about our country's budget being determined by the United States if its government placed a higher priority on pizza and keggers.
Well, that's my opinion, anyway.
In a recent story, Deadline News reported that a representative of North Korea had stated that Korea has come to have nuclear and other weapons with a strong military purpose." Apparently, this was incorrect. What he actually said was, "We have a recipe for strawberry tarts that is to die for!" The misrepresented statement appears to have been a translation error. We are not certain who is responsible for the mistranslation, but we are sure that they regret their error.
Either way, the Pentagon is currently attempting to determine whether or not strawberry tarts can be used as weapons of mass destruction by terrorists.
And, finally: whispers on Canada's right have suggested that Brian Mulroney should be the next leader of the Conservative Party of Canada. Brian Mulroney! Are they serious? The most unpopular Prime Minister in Canadian history? The man whose corrupt government makes Jean Chretien's government look like a boy scout troop? The man who sold out the country in atrociously negotiated free trade deals? The man with the chin? I say, BRING...HIM...ON! Mulroney's return to the national stage would be the best Christmas present a boy satirist could ever hope to get!
Good evening.