"You are watching Deadline News Europe."
With the sound of Darth Vader, we return to the top of the hour. I'm Monika Moussetrop.
Our top story tonight: at a cocktail party for international tyrants, North Korea got sloppily drunk and let slip that it had developed nuclear weapons despite a 1994 agreement that it would do no such thing. In response, the American Central Intelligence Agency threw up its hands and testily said, "George, you're on your own." This poses a dilemma for the baby Bush administration: if it is prepared to invade Iraq because Saddam Hussein is thinking of developing nuclear weapons, how will it deal with North Korea, which actually has them? Invade the country, then humiliate it by forcing all citizens to wear floppy hats and speak with a Bavarian accent?
In a related story: Prime Minister Tony Blair stated that Britain was still intent on a United nations resolution on Iraq weapons inspection, so long as it was alright with the baby Bush administration. We know that the Labour government has developed its own policy on Iraq because while Blair was making his statement, President baby Bush was loudly drinking a glass of water.
In other news: the terrorist attack in Bali which left hundreds dead is now thought to be the work of Osama bin Laden's Al Qaeda network. According to the United States government, supported by the governments of Australia and Indonesia, Al Qaeda is also responsible for the collapse of Enron, persistent teenage acne and the release of the film Jackass. Representatives of noted terrorist organization MTV were unavailable for comment.
The House of Lords overturned a Commons vote that would have allowed gay couples to adopt children, reaffirming its dedication to the progressive policies of the 19th century. This is especially ironic since the Tory Lords, who have condemned 5,000 children to life in public facilities, have long opposed the "nanny state." Rumours that au pair costumes will replace traditional robes in the House of Lords have yet to be confirmed.
Family doctor Jarnail Singh was suspended for six months by the General Medical Council for offering to help a dying man buy a kidney in India. This is the second case of its kind to come before the GMC in recent months. Patients are warned that if your doctor asks you to "have a heart?" it is illegal to take him literally.
In business news: SSL International, whose sales had drooped in recent years, has seen its stock rise to the occasion amid growing excitement that its sales were finally bulging. The company, perhaps best known for producing Durex condoms, claimed sagging profits in the face of stiff competition were a thing of the past and the current growth spurt was an indication that the stock was rock solid.
What a precious story.
In entertainment news: the BBC is about to air a television series on the greatest Britons; the odds on favourite is Winston Churchill. Of course, if ITV had produced the series, the greatest Briton would, in all likelihood, have been Benny Hill.
Jeffrey "Not Really a Lord" Archer is threatening to write a novel based on his experience in an open prison. "This has given me a lot of street cred," Archer claimed. "I'm really hip to the scene." Then, inexplicably, he claimed to be a black heroin dealer named Muhammed Keratin.
In sport: the Football Association is claiming that it has eliminated racism from the hearts of British fans. The FA stated that fans were not singing "I'd rather be a Paki than a Turk" at the 2000 European championship; rather, they were giving a very drunken rendition of "Auld Lang Syne." Furthermore, British fans who appeared to be giving the Nazi salute during the national anthem were actually scratching an extremely itchy underarm. Repeatedly. En masse.
If only Uefa, European football's governing body, had the power to fine clubs for euphemism abuse and twisted logic, some progress on the issue might be made.
And, finally: Sherlock Holmes was awarded an honorary fellowship by the Royal Society of Chemistry, the first fictional character to be so honoured. If this is the beginning of a trend, I would like to nominate Dr. Strangelove for a Nobel Peace Prize; perhaps he could share it with baby Bush. Stranger things have happened. Just.
Good evening.