"I'm Bob."
"And, I'm Barbara. Welcome to hour three of the 12 hour 'Treasures from the Cradle of Civilization' special on The Home Looting Network."
"You know, Barbara, a lot of people ask me if rich folks love their ancient artifacts so much, why don't they just endow the wing of a museum or something?"
"Fair question, Bob."
"It certainly is. And, there are lots of good answers. For instance: the wings of the museums of all the cool cities in the world are taken. Creating a William K. Dickey III Museum of Really, Really Old Things in Missoula, Montana or Wilhemina, Wisconsin just doesn't have the cachet of a museum wing in London or New York."
"Of course. And, then, there's the problem facing everybody who buys in bulk: you may only want three or four pieces, but you have to pay for the seven or eight hundred others that come with the museum's collection."
"So, you seem it makes perfect sense for private collectors to want to buy only the individual pieces they will truly cherish, Barbara."
"I'm so glad we had the opportunity to clear that up, Bob. And, having cleared it up, why don't we move on to the first artifact of the hour?"
"Good idea. This is -"
"Ooooh!"
"Exactly, Barbara. This is the head of a Sumerian woman, from Warka. It's made of white marble. It was created some time between 3500 and 3000 BC. It's considered by some connoisseurs to be one of the finest works of ancient sculpture still in existence."
"It...it's stunning."
"It certainly is. And, the opening bid on this one of a kind piece is $5 million."
"That's American dollars, is it, Bob?"
"It's certainly not Iraqi...uhh...do they even have a currency any more?"
"I think that's probably irrelevant, Bob."
"You got that right, Barbara."
"Can we get a backal view, Bob?"
"A what?"
"You know - a view from the rear?"
"Oh. Ah, no. That's the only photo we have. The, uhh, dealer didn't want to bring it into the studio just yet, for reasons which should be pretty obvious..."
"Which begs another question: how can buyers be certain of the provenance of the artifact?"
"Well, it certainly isn't the $9.99 knock-off at Wal-Mart, that's for sure!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha."
"Ha ha ha ha. But, seriously, Barbara, we can show the buyer the exact spot on the marble head where the Iraqi Museum logo was sanded off."
"That should convince the skeptics."
"One would think so."
"Bidding currently stands at six point seven five million - frankly, Bob, I just can't believe that the bidding isn't rising faster. This piece would look perfect in a wall safe or a safety deposit box in Switzerland."
"Or Japan."
"Oh, certainly. I would never want to forget our Japanese customers!"
"Perhaps collectors are waiting for the Sumerian lion-headed harp."
"Oh, and, it's a beauty, too! Still, it's the show stopper three hours from now, and right now we have this marble head to - oop! We're up to seven and a half million - that's more like it!"
"If any of our viewers are worried, the American Council on Cultural Policy has stated that the looting of the Iraqi Museum in Baghdad was an unfortunate occurrence, but, what the hell, now that the artifacts are loose, Americans should snatch them up while they can to safeguard them."
"Like we safeguarded them in the Museum in the first place?"
"Hopefully better than that."
"Who is this American...uhh..."
"American Council on Cultural Policy? Nobody really knows. Still, American Council on Cultural Policy - it sounds very official, doesn't it?"
"It certainly does. Okay. Just a reminder that we are talking about the gorgeous Sumerian woman's head. The amount bid is currently...nine million, one hundred thousand dollars. Next hour, we will be featuring scrolls and tablets -"
"You won't want to miss that, Barbara."
"You sure won't, Bob. So, tell me, while bidding continues on the marble woman's head from Sumeria, what else are we going to put up for sale?"
"Barbara, this is a printed plaque of baked clay. It represents the legendary hero Enkidu, a companion of Gilgamesh. It is dated at early second millennium BC. And, with a starting price of $2 million here on the Home Shopping Network, it's a steal."
