We're talking today with Mark Franciscus, father of three and pillar of his small mid-western community. Mark, welcome.
"Hi."
Mark knows that the United States, home of the free and land that he loves, has enemies, and he wants to do what he can in the war for freedom and democracy. Would you say that's fair, Mark?
"Absolutely."
Do you know where France is, Mark?
"Uhh..."
Don't strain yourself. You don't need to know that France is in Europe. You don't even need to know what France has done against the interests of the United States. All you need to know is that Colin Powell, speaking for the Bush administration, is mighty unhappy with the French at the moment...
"Cheese eating surrender donkeys!"
Exactly! In these times of international stress, you should use the extreme right-wing press as your guide.
"So, what can I do to show my patriotism?"
Well, in the time honoured tradition of the right appropriating the tactics of the left to further its own agenda, economic boycotts seem to be the best way for the average consumer - or, citizen, if you prefer - to support government policy.
"Uhh, I don't know if that'd work so good."
Why not?
"I don't actually buy anything French."
You don't buy French clothes?
"Nope. When it comes to clothes, I buy strictly American!"
So, your shoes were made in Korea and your shirts in Mexico?
"Uhh...if you say so...but, they've got American labels!"
Very patriotic. How about French wine?
"I'm a beer drinker, myself. But, hey! How's this for a clever idea? I'll buy some French wine and dump it in the gutter! That'll teach those Chitos eating surrender honkies!"
You mean, you'll give them your money and you won't allow yourself to enjoy the product you buy?
"Uhh, well, it doesn't sound quite so clever the way you put it..."
Hmm...we're not having much luck with France. Why not consider a country closer to home? Like, say, Canada?
"Damn straight! Colin Powell is pissed they didn't help us kick Iraq ass - like we needed anybody's help! Man, did you see those mushroom clouds over Baghdad? It wasn't nuclear - why waste the big guns on a bunch of pipsqueaks? - but, still, it was awesome! I mean - AWESOME!"
I, uhh, think we've lost focus here, Mark.
"Oh. Right. Well, if my man Colin says they need to be taught a lesson in international cooperation, sign me up and call me professor! How can I boycott their products?"
Well, you can start by tearing down your house...
"Hunh?"
The lumber that makes up the frame of your house came from Canada.
"Oh, I, uhh, don't think...the wife, you understand..."
It's a lot to ask, I know. How about something simpler, like not using electricity Monday, Wednesday or between midnight and 7pm Fridays?
"Why on earth would I do that?"
Because approximately 40 per cent of the electricity consumed in your state is produced in Canada.
"Really? Who knew? But, couldn't I just use American electricity?"
I'm afraid it can't be separated out so easily.
"Well, I'm sorry, but that won't work."
Why not?
"I'll miss Judge Judy!"
Nobody said defending the interests of your country by revenge-driven economic boycotts could be done without sacrifice...
"Wait! I know! I will make the ultimate sacrifice for my country!"
What's that?
"I'll stop drinking Canadian beer!"
You consider that a sacrifice?
"Have you ever drunk American beer? Eeeewwww!"
Still...
"Picture it! If even half the Americans who drink Canadian beer switched to domesticate, we'd bring that country's economy to its knees in no time!"
[sigh] Okay. I suppose it's a start...
