What The Heck Do You Know? A New Beginning
Individuality is a bitch. I mean, there you are, eating corn flakes, reading the evening paper and scratching a portion of your anatomy that you would prefer remain unmentioned, when a camera crew bursts in wanting to know about your latest achievement. It's not easy being brilliant with corn flakes dribbling down your chin, even if you have had the presence of mind to remove your hand from your unmentioned anatomy portion.
No, given the choice, most people would prefer to be normal, ordinary, even mediocre (which, happily, is well within their grasp). But, how can you be sure - absolutely dead certain - that a public education has bled all the creativity out of you? Simple. Fill out the following survey and compare your answers to everybody else's. If you deviate too far from the norm, there's always remedial grade seven English.
Whatever you do, don't send completed surveys to us! We already stick out too much for having written the damn thing!
1) Do these pants make me look fat?
a) I can't tell. Maybe if you stepped out from behind that house...
b) Uhh...maybe puce just isn't your colour.
c) You know, the last time I answered that question, I spent seven hours in the Emergency Room getting a toaster oven removed from my rectum. Later, my soon to be ex-girlfriend joked, "Now that's something you never see on ER!" So, I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
2) Where's Waldo?
a) In the bottom drawer next to my other vibrators.
b) Hiding from the pointy haired boss...in the bottom drawer next to my other vibrators.
c) Pamplona, running with the bulls.
d) Washington, running the bull.
e) You know, I haven't gotten along with Waldo since the remark he made when my girlfriend asked him if the pants she was wearing made her look fat, so I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
3) Have you considered the consequences?
a) You mean, like world war, global economic collapse and another season of American Idol? Yeah. Sure. So?
b) But, uhh, all I said was, "Could you please pass the butter?"
c) Oh, sure, I considered the consequences once. Once. And, all I got for my trouble was an empty bank account and this scar from my belly button to my left eye. So, I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
4) When Wiarton Willie and Punxatawney Phil disagree, who determines whether or not there will be six more weeks of winter?
a) Georgetown Gustav.
b) Percy Saltzman, who flips a chalk for it.
c) I just had the heat in my apartment turned off, so I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
5) But, how do you really feel?
a) Happy.
b) Sad.
c) Combobulated.
d) Like a virgin (ooh!), touched for the very first time.
e) Like an integer (except for seven).
f) Oh, right. The last time I answered this question, I was given a straightjacket and thrown into a padded room for 27 years. So, I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
6) What did you do during the war, daddy?
a) Well, son, I did what every son of wealth and power who loved his country would do: I used my parents' connections to weasel my way into the reserves, then disappeared for a few months. Oh, sure, not many people could get away with it, but...uhh, that wasn't the war you meant, was it?
b) I singlehandedly repelled a Kreilon invasion - and, no, they didn't throw snowballs at us.
c) I died. Painfully.
d) I got hopped up on drugs and dropped a bomb on our allies, killing four and wounding a dozen more. Oh, wait, that was after the war ended, wasn't it? Sometimes, it's hard to keep track...
e) I was a member of an elite special ops squad whose actions would probably be considered illegal if they became public, so, under the circumstances, I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
7) Have you no honour, sir? At long last, have you no shame?
a) Uhh, no. But, I do have a platinum American Express card, and that's gotta count for something.
b) Honour is overrated. I'm working on the shame thing.
c) I...I'm sure I had them when I came in...you know, I think I may have left my shame and honour in my other pair of pants...
d) On the advice of my psychiatrist, I decline to answer this question. I hope you'll understand. (Actually, no, I don't - I'm being passive/aggressive.)
8) What is a creative use of gummi bears?
a) They could be deployed as flack against incoming missiles as part of a comprehensive Strategic Candy Initiative.
b) Put them in the freezer and play Arctic Adventure.
c) Melted down, they could be molded into artificial fingerprints that are good enough to fool biometric sensors four times out of five. But, that would have national security implications, so I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
9) The fuzz bass - miracle or menace?
a) Trippy, man.
b) I believe!
c) The colours...dig the crazy colours!
d) Sorry, I wasn't paying attention, so, I hope you'll, uhh, understand...uhh...under...uhh, yeah. You know.
10) Do you use The Method?
a) Damn straight! And, I got 12 kids to prove it!
b) No, actually. I just get on the stage and do whatever I feel. People call me the Anti-Strasberg.
c) It...depends. Are...you...an...investigative...journalist...doing...a...report...
on...The...Master? If...so...I...hope...you...will...understand...if...I...decline...to...
answer...this...question.
11) When President Bush said, "This is not a question of authority. It is a question of will." what did he really mean?
a) We're not going to war because it's right. We're going to war because we can.
b) Yes, people's a gonna die!
c) Hunh. No, no, no, no, no. No matter how I answer, you're gonna make it look like I'm dissing my Commander-in-Chief. Listen, buster, ain't no way you're gonna get me to diss my Commander-in-Chief while there's a war on. So, I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
12) You are a candy manufacturer facing rising sugar costs. The following are measures you can take to maximize your profits under these conditions. Put them in the order that will make you the most money.
a) When that fails, put less candy in each bag.
b) When you can't go any further with this tactic, use a cheaper sugar.
c) I'm a diabetic, so I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
d) When customers catch on to that trick, make the bag smaller.
e) Raise the price of the candy.
13) Hundreds of Canadian domain names have just become available. Which would you most like to register?
a) limmaculee-conception-district-electoral-de
b) lipps-beach
c) starland-county
d) small-point-broad-cove-blackhead-adams-cove
e) smeshalin-sechelt-band-18
f) I...don't own a computer, so I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
14) How does being on a subway during rush hour make you feel?
a) Complete sympathy for sardines packed in water.
b) It reaffirms my love for all humanity.
c) Like I need to get out less.
d) Can't...breath...understand...decline - THUD!
15) What's the difference between Conservatives and Liberals in Canada?
a) Conservatives lament the fact that Canada isn't a part of the United States. Liberals celebrate the fact that Canada isn't a part of the United States.
b) Liberals adore Naomi Klein. Conservatives adore Margaret Wente.
c) There's a difference between Conservatives and Liberals in Canada?
d) I don't vote, so I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
16) Which of the following phrases do you fear hearing the most?
a) Ex nihilo (formerly Neil).
b) Ex post facto (do not eat cereal, and that's a fact).
c) Deus ex machina (doze off at the machine).
d) I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
17) Which of the following statements best describes your intellectual life?
a) My greatest thrill was meeting Derrida.
b) My greatest thrill was eating Doritos.
c) My greatest thrill was beating rhinos.
d) Surveys like this flatter those who fill them out by making them feel as though their opinions are so important that somebody actually wants to hear them. Of course, this is not the case, since the individual's answers only become useful when they are aggregated with those of everybody else who submits a completed survey. Given this, it should come as no surprise to you when I say: "I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer the questions in this survey."
18) Which country were you most surprised to see listed taking part in the United States' coalition of the bullied, bribed and bought off?
a) Eritrea, one of the poorest nations in the world, which is contributing sticks and stones. But, rest assured that they are very big stones.
b) Albania. Things just haven't been the same since Enver Hoxha went to that big workers' paradise in the sky.
c) Elbonia, an enthusiastic supporter of the war that vowed that Iraq will be drowning in a sea of mud.
d) Ethiopia, which intends to supply the war effort with even bigger stones than Eritrea. Maybe even rocks.
e) The Duchy of Grand Fenwick, which will send a score of its finest archers and, in case Iraq uses chemical or biological weapons against coalition allies, is considering deploying the Q-bomb.
f) See question 11, answer c.
19) What should Michigan do to show how little it wants Toronto's garbage?
a) Make a Canadian flag out of soiled pizza boxes, then set it on fire.
b) Tell the delivery company the garbage was damaged in transit and they'll have to take it back to the manufacturer.
c) Shape the garbage into a life-sized replica of the CN Tower and start featuring it on postcards to sell to Canadian tourists.
20) Which of the following non-responsive answers would you like to make an option for question 19?
a) I would have to kill you, so I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
b) I don't live in Montana, so I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
c) I have yet to suffer irreversible brain damage, so I hope you'll understand if I decline to answer this question.
