SUBJECTS: A mother, father and two children, whom we shall call the Smith family from Jonestown, were the active subjects of the experiment. A second mother, father and two children, whom we shall call the Jones family from Smith's Falls, made up the control group.
DESIGN: Researchers watched a family enjoying the Grammy Awards, noting what the experience does to the family dynamic. The control group watched a typical evening of television.
PRE-EXPERIMENT INTERVIEWS: Members of the Smith family claimed to love music and were excited by the prospect of seeing the best music of the year recognized. In all other respects, they were a typical family. Members of the Jones family found it difficult to believe that we were asking them to watch their regular television programmes, hinting that we must have a hidden research agenda. We assured them that we were not trying to trick them in any way, and flagged their distrust as something their observers would have to watch out for.
INITIAL CONDITIONS: The Smith family settled into a comfortable couch that seats three. Kid B sat on the floor. They had prepared a huge bowl of popcorn, which was devoured in the first 15 seconds of the experiment. The Jones parents sat on recliners; their children sat on a sofa at an angle to the television that partially obscured their vision. Father Jones had turned the television to PBS to watch part 12 of Masturbate Theatre's 17 part series on the mating habits of the wild loon. When the observer asked if this was really what they typically watched, the parents hemmed and hawed and the children looked guiltily away. When the observer asked what had happened in the previous episode, Kid B broke down and admitted that they watch PBS so infrequently they had to look up its cable position in the TV Guide. The observer helped them become clear on the concept, after which the Jones family settled in to watch a rerun of Frasier.
T PLUS 30 MINUTES: A rift appeared in the Smith family: the children were bored stiff by the opening number featuring Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel, while their parents felt that, "These guys rock!" Kid A made a half-hearted lunge for the remote, easily parried by Father Smith. Mother and Father Jones have found another Frasier rerun. Kid A has gone to his room to play Nintendo games; Kid B has turned the music in her room way up in hope of drowning out the canned laughter. Father Jones just turned the volume on the television up.
T PLUS 60 MINUTES: The Generational rift in the Smith household widened as the parents yawned openly at the announcement of the Best New Artist category. Kid A accused Kid B of preferring Norah Jones because he "thinks she's hot" and argues that Avril Lavigne is "the real deal." Kid B threw unpopped corn kernels at her. The Jones parents settled in to watch a taped episode of Law and Order. They discussed the possibility of engaging in a carnal act after the children had gone to bed, but decided against it when the observer eagerly argued in favour of it.
T PLUS 120 MINUTES: Attention began to wander as the winner of the Country Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal was announced. Kid A asked Father Smith to stop drumming his fingers; he did for a few seconds, but began again soon after (probably unconsciously). Mother Smith checked the TV Guide listings for the 17th time this hour. Mother Jones hustled the children to bed as Father Jones snuck a couple of minutes of The Playboy Network ("Girls of Chechnya") on pirated satellite.
T PLUS 240 MINUTES: Kid A and Kid B started hitting each other over Norah Jones' awards sweep until Mother Smith found something they could agree on: 'N Sync's tribute to the Bee Gees was "unbelievably lame." Then, Mother and Father Smith got into a long, loud argument over the cultural value of a bunch of old rock stars performing The Clash's "London Calling." This argument ended abruptly when the family watched the award for Score Soundtrack Album for a Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Medium in stunned silence. The Jones family were all fast asleep.
T PLUS 480 MINUTES: Psychosis appeared to be setting in as the winner of the Contemporary Polka Album award was announced. Kid B fantasized about being stranded on the moon with Norah Jones and a single spacesuit. Kid A had been sobbing openly for over half an hour. In desperation, Father Smith started gnawing on his own leg as Mother Smith stared vacantly into space. The Jones family continued to sleep soundly. Kid A was in the middle of a wet dream.
CONCLUSION: Awards shows can be hazardous to the long-term mental health of viewers.
