Frequently Unasked Questions, v. 7
1) If, as they say, history repeats itself, why do we have to study so much of it at school?
2) Really?
3) What is your favourite reaction to your writing?
4) What is your favourite fan letter?
5) What's your idea of heaven?
6) Aren't they suffering enough?
7) How can your conscience allow you to be so anti-American? Don't you appreciate how many great things the United States has done in its history? You got something against freedom and justice?
8) How can your conscience allow you to be so anti-American? Don't you understand how many great things the United States has done in its history? You got anything against freedom and justice?
9) How can you be so anti-American? Don't you understand how many great things the United States has done? You got anything against freedom and justice?
10) Who's Killing the Great Chefs of Europe?
11) If you had a time machine, what historical figure would you most want to go back and meet?
12) Are there any books on writing that you would recomm - hey, wait a minute. Sherlock Holmes isn't a historical figure...is he?
13) Would you like to touch my monkey?
14) What are you influences?
15) One of your "500 Reasons to Celebrate" is "The Bangles are back!" But, in "Deadline News: Shoot To Ill" you ask, "Who Are the Bangles?" What's the deal?
16) What do you do for fun?
17) Why do you do that?
18) How do you feel about sunscreen?
19) Were you aware that if you contracted Les Pages aux Folles, you'd get Les Polles, the name of a seminal designer of electric guitars?
20) Have you ever been sued?
21) That's right. So, have you ever been sued in connection with your writing?
22) In the 1980s, you described Apartheid South Africa's international relations as "Big Stick Diplomacy." Would you say that this is now the policy of the United States?
23) Aren't you worried that, at the rate you pepper your writing with topical cultural references, you're going to run out of things to refer to?
1) If, as they say, history repeats itself, why do we have to study so much of it at school?
They're messing with your head.
2) Really?
No. I'm messing with your head.
3) What is your favourite reaction to your writing?
A twenty dollar bill.
4) What is your favourite fan letter?
"Les Pages aux Folles changed my life! When I decided to stop reading it, I was an hour and a half older!"
5) What's your idea of heaven?
Making fun of the people in Hell.
6) Aren't they suffering enough?
I don't think you're clear on the concept.
7) How can your conscience allow you to be so anti-American? Don't you appreciate how many great things the United States has done in its history? You got something against freedom and justice?
That's me - a fun lovin' fascist.
8) How can your conscience allow you to be so anti-American? Don't you understand how many great things the United States has done in its history? You got anything against freedom and justice?
Is there an echo on this page?
9) How can you be so anti-American? Don't you understand how many great things the United States has done? You got anything against freedom and justice?
Oh. I get it. Astroturf somebody else's property, okay?
10) Who's Killing the Great Chefs of Europe?
I refuse to dignify a movie title with a response.
11) If you had a time machine, what historical figure would you most want to go back and meet?
Sherlock Holmes.
12) Are there any books on writing that you would recomm - hey, wait a minute. Sherlock Holmes isn't a historical figure...is he?
Can't put anything past you, can I? And, the beauty part is that I managed not to answer two questions for the price of one.
13) Would you like to touch my monkey?
I refuse to dignify that Saturday Night Live sketch with a response.
14) What are you influences?
Cherry Coke, blue and green M&Ms and a chronic lack of sleep.
15) One of your "500 Reasons to Celebrate" is "The Bangles are back!" But, in "Deadline News: Shoot To Ill" you ask, "Who Are the Bangles?" What's the deal?
I'm hipper than Rex Veneer. And, thank you for asking the question. It's alert readers like you who waste so much of my time.
16) What do you do for fun?
Tease guppies.
17) Why do you do that?
Because bluefish are harder to tease.
18) How do you feel about sunscreen?
I'm withholding judgement until Kurt Vonnegut really gives us his position on the issue.
19) Were you aware that if you contracted Les Pages aux Folles, you'd get Les Polles, the name of a seminal designer of electric guitars?
Or, looked at another way, you would get Les golles, the French. Are you suggesting that I'm anti-American...again?
20) Have you ever been sued?
Well, there was that one time I got an influential Senator's prescription for skin cream mixed up with a cream that causes a semi-permanent erection, causing him to miss a crucial vote on appropriating funds for a golf course in his riding. The company that was supposed to get the contract was very unhappy, I can tell you - they had already prepared the first four holes! When I suggested they could promote it as the golf course for people who don't have time for a full 18 holes - well, let's just say that business talks a good game when it comes to thinking outside the box, but...uhh, you probably wanted to know if I've ever been sued in connection with my writing, didn't you?
21) That's right. So, have you ever been sued in connection with your writing?
Naah. Not enough people read it.
22) In the 1980s, you described Apartheid South Africa's international relations as "Big Stick Diplomacy." Would you say that this is now the policy of the United States?
No. I would characterize the current American stance as "Big Nuke Diplomacy." Not a subtle name, perhaps, but it isn't an especially subtle policy.
23) Aren't you worried that, at the rate you pepper your writing with topical cultural references, you're going to run out of things to refer to?
Are you kidding? Until I find a meaningful context in which to refer to Fear Factor, Jay Hoberman and Cigar Aficianado magazine, I will not consider my task as a cultural satirist complete!
