Death Takes a Vowel
FADE IN:
INT. STUDIO - DAY
THE GRIM REAPER, wearing a tuxedo under his black robes, stands behind a podium on one side of the stage. Four men in ill-fitting suits and nervous dispositions stand behind podiums on the opposite side of the stage. Behind them are two doors. Decorating the wall around the doors are images of violence (planes dropping bombs, jungles exploding, men firing guns, bodies exploding, and so on. SOUND: applause.
REAPER
Thank you. Thank you.
SOUND: applause dies out.
REAPER (CONTINUING)
Welcome to another edition of Let's Make a War Deal. I'm your host, the Grim Reaper, known to my friends as Death. Let's get straight to the game, shall we?
ANNOUNCER
(voice over)
Okay. Our first contestant denies he enjoyed torturing small animals when he was a child, but does not deny that he has a secret crush on Britney Spears, please welcome Prime Minister Abdullah Gul of Turkey!
SOUND: applause.
GUL
(gloomy)
Happy to be here.
REAPER
Torturing small animals, Abdullah?
GUL
(shrugs)
Where I come from, it's a political asset.
REAPER
Tell you the truth, I kind of admire it, too.
SOUND: laughter.
REAPER (CONTINUING)
Okay, Johnny, why don't you tell Abdullah what he's playing for?
An emaciated model wheels an oversized check into the middle of the stage, weakly waving her arms in its general direction.
ANNOUNCER
(voice over)
Right you are, Grimmie. The lovely and talented Famine is showing off the latest American aid offer: $18 billion!
SOUND: crowd oohs.
ANNOUNCER (CONTINUING)
Yes, just the thing to stave off ugly bankruptcy proceedings! And, as a special one-time offer, we'll throw in American support for your membership in the European Union!
SOUND: enthusiastic applause.
REAPER
Thank you, Famine.
Famine struggles to push the check back off the set.
REAPER (CONTINUING)
We still on for dinner later?
SOUND: laughter. Without responding, Famine makes it off the stage.
REAPER (CONTINUING)
Now, Abdullah, as you know, there is only one question on this game show: "Will you support the United States in its war against Iraq?" If the answer is yes, you get what's behind door number one. If the answer is no, you get what's behind door number two. Is that clear?
GUL
Yes, Mister Reaper.
REAPER
So, what's it gonna be, Abdullah?
GUL
I, uhh, didn't really want to be here, but, but my General insisted.
SOUND: laughter.
REAPER
We get a lot of that. Still, here you are, so you owe it to yourself - and the world - to make a decision...
GUL
(desperate)
Can I - can I have more time?
REAPER
Certainly. Do keep in mind, however, that if you have not given an answer by the end of the show, you will be assumed to be uncooperative, and will be forced to deal with what's behind door number two.
GUL
I, uhh, understand.
REAPER
Okay, then. Let's move on to our next contestant. Johnny?
ANNOUNCER
(voice over)
An iron fist in Chechnya shows that his country has not grasped the rhetoric of democracy, although it may have grasped its essence. His hobbies are increasing wheat production in the heartland and hating the French, please welcome Russian Premier Vladimir Putin!
SOUND: applause.
PUTIN
(cool)
Thanks.
REAPER
May I call you Vlad? I have fond memories of that name...
SOUND: laughter.
PUTIN
As you wish.
REAPER
Okay, Vlad. You know the question. You know the doors. Johnny, what will Vlad be playing for?
A model with open sores on her exposed arms, legs and face wheels a miniature oil derrick onto the middle of the stage. SOUND: audience oohs.
ANNOUNCER
(voice over)
The lovely and talented Disease is modeling the latest American threat: join us or, when the new regime takes over in Iraq, we will ensure that it nullifies all of its oil contracts with your country!
SOUND: applause.
PUTIN
Good to know this war is not about oil.
REAPER
Please! This is light entertainment for a cold afternoon - leave the political commentary for the six o'clock news!
PUTIN
Whatever.
REAPER
So, Vlad, what's it going to be?
PUTIN
No.
REAPER
(frowns)
Is that your final answer?
PUTIN
Da.
REAPER
Alright. Johnny, what has Vlad won?
Door on right slowly opens. SOUND: screams of a million suffering souls.
ANNOUNCER
(voice over)
Grimmie, Vlad has won a decade of economic decline as energy prices in his country skyrocket!
SOUND: applause.
REAPER
Tough break, Vlad.
PUTIN
(shrugs)
We survived Stalin, we can -
GUL
(eager)
I've made my decision, Mister Reaper.
The door slams shut.
REAPER
Okay, Abdullah, we'll get to you in -
GUL
Door number one, sir.
REAPER
(insistent)
We do have two other contestants.
GUL
Door number one. I want door number one. Please, please, give me door number one!
REAPER
(relents)
Okay. Johnny, what's behind door number one for Abdullah?
The door on the left slowly opens. SOUND: death and destruction.
ANNOUNCER
(voice over)
Mister Gul has won the American aid!
SOUND: cheering and applause.
ANNOUNCER (CONTINUING)
Of course, behind door number one is also increasing hostility to his government from the fundamentalist minority in his country and friction between Turkey and its neighbours for selling out to the Infidel west.
REAPER
Don't worry Abdullah - it's all good.
GUL
(glum)
For you, maybe...
REAPER
Okay, we have to take a break. When we come back, our next contestant will face the age old question: do I agree to an immoral war, or do I piss off the country I do 85 per cent of my international trade with? Stay with us!
SOUND: applause.
FADE TO BLACK. FOREVER.
