Dear Dr. Laura,
I am in love with the most wondrous boy! He is handsome and witty. When I am with him, I never want to leave, and when we are apart, I count the seconds until we are reunited.
Alas, our fathers have forbidden us from ever seeing each other. Our two families have been engaged in a disastrous feud for...well...forever! But, I cannot live without my dear, sweet Romeo - I shall certainly kill myself if our love is to be denied. Oh, Dr. Laura, what shall I do?
Teenager In Love
It's hard to be a teenager in love. What should you do? Drop the cheap melodramatics, for a start. Threatening to kill yourself is an attempt to get attention that no longer works - everybody knows that people who talk about suicide never go through with it. People won't take you seriously if you keeping saying such things.
Okay, next. Listen to your father. Teenagers always think they know more about the ways of the world they live in than the adults around them. Wrong. Your parents have lived longer than you have and know a lot more about life than you do. If they don't want you seeing this boy - what did you call him? Romeo? - they must have a good reason. You may not understand it now, but, trust me, when you have children of your own, you will.
Dear Dr. Laura,
The strangest thing happened to me the other day. I was sent by the King to deliver a love draught to his betrothed, the Lady Isolde. Unfortunately, the Lady and I drank the draught in each other's company, falling in love with each other on the instant.
I dare not consummate my passion for the Lady Isolde, requited though it may be. Such action would bring dishonour upon my King, whom I love above all others. Yet, neither can I deny the feelings that, even now, swell within my bosom. What to do? What to do?
Confused in a Codpiece
Keep it in your codpiece, big boy. Relationships that involve deceiving third parties are a recipe for disaster. The guilt will eat the two of you up alive. Not only that, but when the third party finds out - and, believe you me, the third party always finds out - he not only has to deal with the devastation of the infidelity, but with the horror of the deception, as well.
And, you know, I'm really getting sick and tired of people blaming their lust on outside forces. It was the alcohol. It was the cocaine. It was the love draught. This should be a clue right here that you are deceiving yourselves as well as your King. You know it wasn't any of those things - why don't you just admit that you're a horny bastard?
In fact, why not just do everybody a favour and run off and get yourself killed in the Crusades?
Dear Dr. Laura,
Ordinarily, I put little stock in the prattlings of a woman such as yourself. After all, I am an oft decorated war hero, beloved of my people. However, disturbing news was recently brought to my attention, and I am at my wit's end as a cause of it.
My trusted ensign Iago has brought me that handkerchief that proves that my beloved wife Desdemona has been unfaithful. Even now, writing these sordid facts for your consideration, I find I am barely able to contain the anger burning in my heart. My fair Desdemona! What is to be done?
O
The big O? Don't flatter yourself.
If your wife is cheating on you, dump her. Throw her out. Tell her you are going to divorce her, then do it. Once the bonds of trust between a husband and wife have been broken, they can never be repaired. If you don't mind my saying so, you sound like quite a catch - I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding somebody better.
But, are you sure she's cheating on you? A handkerchief sounds like pretty flimsy evidence to me. Better you should gather more conclusive evidence - have you considered hiring a private detective? - than to make accusations you'll later regret.
Oh, and, O? Have you considered an anger management course?
Dr. Laura's column appears in this space on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. If you're in the middle of an emotional crisis, feel free to write her care of this publication. And, remember: tough love isn't the same as lack of compassion because...well, because Dr. Laura says it isn't.
