The New Year season is a time of reflection, when we are all called upon to think about the mistakes we made over the past year and resolve to be better in the coming year.
Fuck that.
Like most writers, I know that my life has been entirely blameless; it's all those other chuckleheads who are ruining the world. In fact, I know that, given the chance, I could live their lives much better than they do. It is in this humanitarian spirit that I offer the following New Year's resolutions for others. If the appropriate people adopt my suggested resolutions, the world cannot help but become a better place.
Ontario Premier Ernie Eves: I resolve to develop a vision of the future of this province...if that's what voters tell me they want.
Globe columnist Marcus Gee: I resolve to stop embarrassing myself (as when I wrote that the Bush administration had no plans beyond regime change in Iraq the day before it released a grand plan for changing the entire Middle East) by applying at least a small amount of critical thinking before writing about American foreign policy.
Prime Minister Jean Chretien: I resolve to stop paying for advertising, letting my good works speak for themselves.
Western Press: I resolve to continue reporting from inside Afghanistan to ensure that the attention of developed nations doesn't...uhh, doesn't wander and allow the country to sink into...into...into - slip back into barb - barb - oooh, a shiny object. Baghdad?
Author Jonathan Frantzen: I resolve to get out more. (Maybe I can hit up Charlie Kaufman for some socializing tips...)
Former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott: I resolve to watch The Colour Purple again, but this time I intend not to snicker throughout.
Former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney: I resolve to stop using the fawning right wing press to try to rehabilitate my reputation. (Hee hee...)
Globe columnist Leah McLaren: I resolve to find a brick wall. If I am ever again tempted to write about how sexually unsatisfying British men are, random drinking or other physical excesses or - SHUDDER - thong underwear, I will hit my head against the brick wall until the feeling goes away.
Former native leader David Ahenakew: I resolve to watch Schindler's List again, but this time I intend to actually pay attention. (Maybe I should talk to Trent Lott to get some tips on racial sensitivity...)
Stock analyst Jack Grubman: I resolve to send my children to a prekindergarten that offers a course on stock market ethics.
Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman: I resolve to be more aware of how City Council operates, except for the embarrassing parts that could come back to haunt the careers of everybody involved in or aware of them. And, nobody will be able to prove that I was involved in or aware of them. Noooooooobody!
Afghan President Hamid Karzai: I resolve to survive all assassination attempts on my life this year. Staying alive is the least a democratically elected leader (that would be me) can do for the people he serves (that would be American investors - shh).
Dr. Tom McGowan: I resolve not to loudly repeat YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH FROM CANCER IF ANYBODY DARES TO QUESTION MY PRIVATE, FOR-PROFIT TREATMENT CENTRE. To ensure that you understand how serious I am about this, allow me to say it again: I resolve not to loudly repeat...
About Schmidt audience members: I resolve not to laugh at Kathy Bates' nude scene. God willing, I will be her age some day, and I should look half as good.
Ozzy Osbourne: I f*ckin' resolve to f*ckin'clean up my f*ckin' act so I don't come across as such a f*ckin'd*psh*t next season.
Alberta Premier Ralph Klein: I resolve to get myself a hammer. If I feel like running for Premier again, I will hit myself in the head with the hammer until the feeling goes away.
Stock brokers: I resolve to stop teasing my customers by telling them about companies that could offer dividends if they wanted to...but don't. Free cash flow...free blood flow - it's such a fine line.
Walt Disney Corporation: I resolve to stop destroying documents relevant to lawsuits like the one brought against me by a woman who claims to own the merchandising rights - other than for the books - to Winnie the Pooh. There really is no profit to be made in being a Corporation of Little Brain.
Former Ontario Minister of Northern Development Dan Newman: I resolve to enter a 12 step programme to deal with my Smarties addiction.
African women: we resolve, as we lay dying of AIDS or complications arising from the birth of our 12th child, not to think ill of the Bush administration's decision to pull $34 million from United Nations family planning programmes. After all, American anti-abortion activists deserve our pity, not our condemnation.
Okay, okay, I know I shouldn't be making all these resolutions for others without doing one of my own. So...I resolve...uhh, I resolve to finally do something about my unrequited passion for Bif Naked. (Oh, come on, you know Bif's a babe!)
If we all just stick to our assigned resolutions, I feel certain that the world will be a better place in the new year.