"Mister Jenkins?"
"That's right. Mister Rotunda? Mister Florian Rotunda"
"Yes?"
"What can I do for you, Mister Rotunda?"
"I...I don't want to live in fear any more."
"I see. And, what exactly are you afraid of, sir?"
"Well, everything. I mean - the, the Washington sniper, for one thing."
"I see. And, where in Washington do you live?"
"I live in Alaska. Actually."
"Ah. Alaska. I, uhh, see. And, why do you think a sniper in Washington is a threat to somebody living in Alaska?"
"Copycats."
"Ah. I see. Okay, Mister Rotunda. Are you afraid of anything else?"
"Sunlight."
"Sunlight?"
"Direct. Unfiltered. On my skin."
"And, why are you afraid of sunlight?"
"Skin cancer."
"I see. But, can't you just...avoid the sun?"
"Avoid the sun? No, I cannot avoid the sun. I mean, sunlight - it...it's everywhere!"
"I see. Anything else?"
"Alzheimer's."
"Alzheimer's? The disease?"
"No, Alzheimer's the TV miniseries!"
"Uhh, Mister Rotunda, if you don't mind my asking, how old are you?"
"Twenty- two...I'll be 23 in the fall."
"I see. You do realize that you aren't likely to suffer from Alzheimer's for another 40 or 50 years?"
"That much longer to worry."
"Ah. Anything else?"
"That's not enough?"
"You're not afraid of fundamentalist Arab terrorists?"
"Nah. That's a mainland problem."
"I see."
"But, killer bees? I expect them to fly into Anchorage any day now!"
"Killer bees?"
"Is that strange?"
"Fear is not rational, Mister Rotunda."
"So. Do you think you can help me?"
"Oh, absolutely, Mister Rotunda. Absolutely. For a modest fee, we will hire an assassin to kill you. Our basic package is a single bullet in the back of the head, execution style. Quick. Efficient. Professional. For an additional fee, the assassin will use a machete, a baseball bat or the other weapon of your choosing. If you like, we have deluxe packages where we will make the killing look like a robbery, the work of a jealous husband or any other scenario that suits. Does this work for you?"
"You...you want to kill me?"
"Yes?"
"Is that legal?"
"Why do you think I arranged to meet you in a dark alley?"
"Okay, but, I mean, killing me seems so...drastic. Isn't there anything else...?"
"Well, originally we tried weaning people off the media, since so much fear is spread through television and newspapers. But, we found that this didn't diminish the fear - quite the contrary, as a matter of fact. Once fear had set in, a news blackout allowed clients' imaginations to run riot - the ones who didn't cheat on the blackout, anyway. No, I'm afraid the only way to deal with fear of this magnitude is assassination."
"But, why?"
"You know, all fear ultimately boils down to fear of suffering and/or death. But, we all suffer and we're all going to die. That's what used to be called - in a less enlightened age - the human condition. If fear of death ultimately interferes with one's ability to live, don't you think it would be a mercy to stop it?"
"But, what if there's an afterlife? What if I end up in hell because I chose to kill myself?"
"Mister Rotunda, please! Let us not get bogged down in hypothetical situations!"
