You don't want to spend a lot of time with Leah McLaren at a party. She'll spend so much time telling you how fabulous she is that you won't have a chance to talk about how fabulous you are.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with Conrad Black at a party. He will insist that you understand why he had to renounce his citizenship to prove his patriotism (in language that obscures the vacuity of his argument). If he gets drunk, he'll tell you more about Maurice Duplessis than you ever imagined there was to know.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with Osama bin Laden at a party. With Osama, it's always "Destroy the American infidels" this and "Islam rules!" that - it gets tired pretty quickly. Since he is in all likelihood dead, his appearance at a party these days would ensure that no food would be served. And, whatever you do, do not agree to play Twister with him - Osama is double jointed.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with Hockey Night in Canada announcer Ron McLean at a party. Between outrageous puns, he'll regale you with tales of how he stared down the bean-counters at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. It's not exactly fur traders beating back the northern wilderness, but I suppose Canadians have to take their heroes wherever we can find them. Oh, and he'll be in a bitchy mood if you don't stock a healthy supply of HniC sponsor Labatt products.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with genial Croatian mass murder Slobodan Milosevic at a party. He will get drunk, hit you over the head with a lamp and then insist that you don't exist as your blood seeps into the carpet.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with Jack Grubman at a party. After several hours of rationalizations of why the stock market is basically sound, he'll try to sell you the host.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with CSI's William Peterson at a party. You might mistake him for a table and try to set your glass down on his head.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with Rita Lasar at a party. This representative of September 11th Families for Peaceful Tomorrows - a group of friends and relatives of those who died in the attack on the United States who support a non-violent response to terrorism - has stories that would break your heart.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with Ontario MPP Chris Stockwell at a party. After regaling you with tales of how he courageously took on Toronto Islands' aging Hippies, he'll confiscate whatever you're drinking and throw you out of the party. Even if you're the host.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with the British dude from the Firkin restaurants commercials at a party. He will mercilessly make fun of everybody there because they don't know that firkin is an archaic term for a small pot. Like he's worth the aggravation.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with Martha Stewart at a party. If anybody mentions stocks, she'll make her fists into symmetrical balls and stomp her feet in perfect rhythm. If anybody mentions ImClone, he or she will be killed. The upside is that the corpse will probably look better than the man or woman did in real life.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with Sarah Michelle Geller, Sarah Jessica Parker, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt or any other starlet at a party. It will be the closest thing to absolute non-existence you will experience this side of death.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with Conservative MPP Cam Jackson and Liberal MP Laurence MacAulay at a party. They will get into a fistfight about whether it's a greater breach of the public's trust to blatantly pad one's expense account (to the tune of over $100,00) or to offer an untendered federal contract (allegedly worth $70,000) to a friend. Expect angry calls from the neighbours and broken furniture.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with Adbusters publisher Kalle Lasn at a party. Most guest would be satisfied with a snide aside about your weight or taste in clothes. But, no, Lasn will give you a lecture about the morality of obesity and Mexican sweatshops, then ask if you would like to buy an anti-consumer calendar or coffee mug.
You don't want to spend a lot of time with United States Secretary of State Colin Powell at a party. He'll spend the first half of the evening telling you how important it is for the organization's credibility that the United Nations enforce its resolutions on Iraq. Then, he'll spend the rest of the evening explaining why the UN has to hold off on sending weapons inspectors into Iraq to enforce its resolutions until it passes another, harsher resolution being pushed by the United States. There isn't enough alcohol in the world to make that dog look like a beauty!
You don't want to spend a lot of time with Winona Ryder at a party. First, she'll steal your heart. Then...