DEAR MISSED MANNERS: My country is considering allowing military troops to cross over the border into our country in cases of national emergency (a terrorist attack, for instance, or a new Celine Dion album). The problem is: nobody knows what will happen after the crisis is over. Any suggestions?
DEAR HEART: Ah, the perennial problem: getting rid of unwanted guests. You know, vampires have to be invited into a home, but, once they're there, just try to get the blood out of the carpet!
Some guests respond well to subtle hints. Try having your Prime Minister stretch his arms over his head, yawn prodigiously and say, "Time for my army to get some rest - we have to be up early in the morning for peacekeeping duties, you know." Periodic consulting of one's watch heightens the effect.
Unfortunately, studies out of Carnegie Mellon have shown that the kind of guest who overstays a welcome is likely not to take subtle hints. Stronger measures may be called for. Playing irritating music at high volume might work - I have found Inuit throat flute to be tremendously effective - although it tends to succeed more frequently during embassy sieges than full-scale national occupations. Some hosts have tried throwing United Nations resolutions at unwanted visitors, but this merely emboldens them, smacking, as it does, of desperation.
Perhaps the best way to deal with unwanted guests - like vampires - is to not invite them in in the first place.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: There was this nation - I don't want to name it - well, we used to be best friends. I mean, when I would invade my neighbours, this country would give me logistic and intelligence support. It wouldn't do this openly - what would the neighbours think? Still, it would help any way it could.
Good times.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, things changed. The country stopped returning my calls. It wouldn't send advisers over to play. That sort of thing. Now, I find out that it has been telling everybody in the neighbourhood that I'm a threat to international security! Me! Gee, Miss M. - you control a substantial amount of oil and look at how quickly your friends turn on you! Is there any way I can stop these nasty rumours from spreading?
DEAR HEART: It is always sad when friends fall out. And, yes, it is true that some nations will resort to name-calling and malicious gossip to try and hurt a former friend. Remember: it's only words. If you respond with your own name-calling, you will just sink to the level of your former friend, which will most certainly not help your standing with your mutual acquaintances. And, under no circumstances should you resort to irrational or violent behaviour. Here's a hint: attacking Israel? It may be emotionally satisfying in the short term, but in the long term it would be a big mistake.
Let the truth be your shield and you will come through this just fine.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I have been invited to the funeral of an uncle of mine. His body will be available for display at the drive-thru window of Parkinson's Funeral Home from 9 to 11 in the morning. I've never heard of such a thing before. Would it be okay if I stopped to say a prayer for my uncle, or would that tie up traffic? And, can I get fries and a Coke with the viewing?
DEAR HEART: This is barbaric. Inhumane. Not nice. How can somebody who has just lost a loved one properly grieve when cars that are lined up all the way to the northbound collectors lane of the highway are honking at him to stop blocking traffic? Don't go. Boycott drive-thru viewings and demand that your family give your uncle a proper service! If necessary, threaten your parents that you will publicly come out of the closet if they do not insist that your uncle be given a proper funeral viewing.
Extreme? Perhaps. Especially if you're not, strictly speaking, gay. However, modern mourning rituals have developed over thousands of years; they offer the maximum of comfort and sensitivity to people undergoing a very sad and difficult time in their lives, and we must be prepared to fight tooth and nail to ensure that these rituals are respected!
