"Okay, you asked for dis sit down," Tony Soprano stated, "and you got it. But, I gotta tell ya, I don't have nuttin ta say to a couple a cartoon characters."
"Oh, like you're real deep, man," Bart Simpson sarcastically commented.
"Hey!" Tony hotly retorted. "I'm deep! I go to a freakin' psychiatrist, fer Chrissakes! I - I'm whatchacallit."
"Three dimensional?" Charlie Brown suggested.
"Yeah! I got three freakin' dimensions. Four! Five, even! I got dimensions comin' out my freakin' eyeballs, so watch what you say about me!"
Bart and Charlie Brown looked at each other, uncertain what to make of this. A heavy bass rumbling could be heard coming from the strip club outside the room. "Can we go and see the girls after we're done here?" Bart asked.
"Wait'll you grow up. Yer freakin' children."
"I'm not," Charlie Brown protested. "I've been around for over 50 years."
"Whaddya - you're six years old. Seven, tops."
"But, I'm not young. I'm just drawn that way."
"I don't give a shit. Cops see you in da club, I lose my license. Simple as dat. Simpson! Wanna tell me what dis is all about, or wha?"
"Okay, okay. Don't have a cow, man."
Charlie Brown looked at Bart, surprised. "I thought you didn't use that catchphrase any more," he remarked.
"We're off camera - I don't have to watch what I say."
"I ain't got all day!" Tony bellowed.
Bart looked down at the floor, sheepish. "Well, Tony," he began, "we heard about the new book, The Gospel According to Tony Soprano -"
"Yeah, ain't that somet'in'?" Tony grinned.
"Yeah, well...uhh, it's just that we're not sure that, like, you're the best person to, err, bring the word of god to the people - no offense, man."
"Oh, like you are? You got no respect for your family. You got no respect for your teachers. You got no respect for anyt'in', includin' god!"
"Yeah, man, but, like, we got Ned Flanders and god even made a guest appearance in one episode. Man, all you got was a lousy book. We got a whole college course of religious lessons out of our show, man."
"Hey, you little snot!" Tony grumbled. "If you was my son, you'd be grounded for life!"
"What my friend is trying to say," Charlie Brown, at his most conciliatory, said, "is that you don't seem to be struggling too hard with issues of good and evil..."
Tony grunted. "Freak dat shit. I do what I have to so's my family can survive."
"Sure. Sure. Still...you kill people. You steal from people. You hurt them. And, you don't show a lot of remorse. It's a pretty big stretch to compare your suffering with the suffering of our lord."
Tony lowered his voice and stared at Bart and Charlie Brown. This frightened them more than his shouting. "You t'ink you got a right ta judge," Tony coolly asked, "just because Da Gospel According ta Peanuts started dis whole trend a interpreting da Bible t'rough pop culture in da first place? Lemme tell you some'tin', Charlie Brown. You're a freakin' loser. Dat Lucy Bimbo'd pull a football away from me and I'd smack her around - she wouldn't pull dat shit on me twice. Understand? And, are you a freakin' latchkey kid, or whu? Do you even have freakin' parents?"
"That has nothing to do -"
"No, it has everyt'ing ta do wid it. Good and evil are pretty simple in a kid's world. In da adult world, you struggle wid da big questions all da time. Dat's what I'm about."
"My friend Linus talks about a god of love -"
"Yeah, and he talks about a Great Pumpkin. So?"
"So, there really doesn't seem to be a lot of love in your world."
Tony smirked. "It's got a kinda Old Testament feel to it, don't it?"
"Listen, man," Bart chimed in, "if you'd just backed off a litt -"
"Tony Soprano never backed away from nuttin'! Especially not for a couple a cartoon babies!
There was tense silence for a few seconds. Then, Charlie Brown almost smiled. "Sorry to trouble you, Mister Soprano."
"Don't let da door hit your ass on da way out," Tony graciously responded.
On their way out, Bart turned to Charlie Brown and said, "Hey, man. I got some fake IDs. Wanna sneak into the club?"
With a resigned sigh, Charlie Brown replied, "OK."
"Cool. You wanna be Laverne or Shirley?"
