What the Heck Do You Know?
(And How the Heck Do You Know It?)
The world has its fair share of ignorance. You know what we're talking about: the guy at the water cooler who doesn't really know what the coach of the Buffalo Bills is thinking; the girl who does your hair who doesn't really know what Kate Blanchett is thinking; the talk radio host who doesn't really know what anybody is thinking. For many people, ignorance is not only bliss, it's a way of life.
Here at Les Pages aux Folles, we treasure our ignorance. After all, life is difficult enough without having to make enemies with virtuoso displays of common sense and/or actual knowledge. To prove this, we guarantee that the following questionnaire is 100 per cent information free, and will only test how much you don't know. Please feel free to fill it out but, whatever you do, don't send the completed form to us! If we laugh too hard at your ignorance, we may give our own intelligence away.
1) What is a legacy?
a) what a politician leaves his country when he retires from office, generally considered positive
b) computer hardware and software bought by previous management that's too expensive to scrap although it doesn't quite meet current needs, generally considered negative
c) a body of water made out of Lego, generally considered inconsiderable
2) How should a concerned parent react to bullying at school?
a) complain to the principal
b) send your child to a different school
c) don't re-elect Tory Education Minister Elizabeth Witmer
3) What can you do with a massive ice shelf like the one that broke free from Antarctica?
a) make 14.3 trillion Scotches on the rocks
b) a million people can have a snowball fight for 143 years
c) build a global warming theme park
4) When did the United States jump the shark?
a) 1777
b) the day Vanilla Coke first graced the lips of citizens everywhere
c) last week
5) When did Jean Chretien jump the shark?
a) 1777
b) the day they killed the Avro Arrow
c) yesterday
6) When did Les Pages aux Folles jump the shark?
a) 1777
b) midway through Politics - A Musical Comedy
c) a moment ago
7) War - hunh! - good god, y'all, what is it good for?
a) business (or, as Billy Bragg put it, bizneeeeeesss)
b) 30 percentage points on a politician's popularity rating
c) protest singers
8) Why is it hard to take Eminem seriously?
a) he's named after a candy
b) he would have gotten his ass kicked by Moby (and, I mean...Moby!)
c) my kids could write better misogynist, homophobic lyrics than he does!
9) What is the best set of hermetically perfect answers?
a) b and c
b) a and c
c) a and b
d) all of the above
10) What freedoms are we protecting in the war on terrorism?
a) freedom of speech
b) freedom from arbitrary arrest or state use of torture
c) freedom of association
d) all of the above
11) What is your favourite recent hardcore porn movie?
a) Triple SeXXX
b) City By the Semen
c) The Power Muff Girls Movie
d) other
12) Seen any different emoticons lately?
a) ;-)-: (two-faced)
b) .-/ (Odin)
c) < -( (Oedipus)
13) Is irony dead?
a) Well, its compound was destroyed in the American aerial assault on Afghanistan, and there hasn't been a confirmed siting of it since, but, barring a positive DNA test of the dead figures of speech found in the rubble of the compound, we may never know if irony is truly dead
b) nah! It's just restin'! Irony likes kippin' on it's back. Beau'iful plumage!
c) are you kidding? It wasn't even scratched
14) How do men shop?
a) the way porcupines make love
b) this is a sexist question - given the same upbringing as women, men would shop in exactly the same way
c) men are loyal to their favourite brands - perhaps surprisingly, they do not shop around
15) What is "pancreatic lymphoma?"
a) a potential object of lust for lymphomaniacs
b) the second, less successful single by The Flying Lizards
c) the sort of impressive sounding but non-existent medical condition you might hear bandied about by a doctor on ER
16) where were you last night?
a) brushing my teeth
b) if I told you, I would have to kill you
c) you think you're going to get some big confession out of me about how I snuck out of the house to live another life as an Irgun spy tracking down and eliminating Arab terrorists? Well, forget it, Eunice! There aren't a lot of Arab terrorists to track down and eliminate in Honey Harbour!
17) Don't lie to me, buster! Where were you last night?
a) don't you remember? We were both at home watching City By the Semen...
b) you...you really got that pushy thing working for you, don't you?
c) cutting a rug with Bill and Daniella at the Whistler Geriatric Centre and Karoake Bar
18) Y108?
a) because if the station was any higher on the dial, all the DJs' voices would be really, really squeaky
b) I don't know - why a duck?
c) global warming
19) Is Tom Petty?
a) I'm sorry - I thought - isn't Tom Greene?
b) no, wait - doesn't Tom like to Cruise? That would help explain why his marriage to Nicole didn't last (well, that and the whole freaky Scientology thing...)...
c) oh, really? Is George Thoroughgood? Does Michael raise Caine? Did Karen Carpenter? You're really reaching with this one...
20) What freedoms will we have to give up to fight the war on terrorism?
a) freedom of speech
b) freedom from arbitrary arrest or state use of torture
c) freedom of association
d) all of the above
