ATTENTION: MICHAEL SHAPIRO:
We understand that you have recently turned 13 and successfully sang at your bar mitzvah. You are now a fountain pen, and all that. Our Human Resources Division would like to extend its warmest congratulations to you on this happy occasion. They have no doubt that your family is very proud. Very proud, indeed.
Since you are now a man in the eyes of your community, our Legal Division has suggested that we talk to you about the facts of life. Of course, the "facts of life discussion" is ordinarily conducted by a boy's parents; however, inasmuch as we have legal title to your genetic inheritance (United States Patent C107-72165-312), Legal felt we had a prior right to hold the "facts of life" discussion with you ourselves. Fortunately for all concerned, your parents decided not to contest our decision.
Simply put, BioGenTech Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, is the owner of your genes. Specifically, we have a patent on the Adam-12 germ line, from which you were conceived. The Adam-12 germ line has been genetically tweaked, prodded and otherwise modified to ensure that you are provided with the utmost intelligence and physical strength and health, as well as cheekbones to die for.
Our investment in the Adam-12 germ line is currently a little less than $1.2 billion. Given this, we are sure that you can appreciate our need to safeguard the money we have invested in our patent, in you, and will, therefore, listen closely to our advice.
To begin with, we know about your girlfriend, Lisa Lupner. Human Resources has warned us that your likely response will be: "She's not my girlfriend!" Please. Our Industrial Espionage Division has had you under surveillance since you were born, and they report seeing you and Lisa Lupner walking hand in hand on several recent occasions. Not only that, but interviews with your friends in the playground have revealed at least three incidents of "yucky pecks on the cheek."
Don't lie to us, son. She's your girlfriend.
So. Our sources have told IED that Lisa Lupner has been giving you "noogies," especially of the "tough" variety. Our Research Division tells us that the accumulated long-term effect of the pressure of noogies can cause subtle cranial damage that will interfere with the optimum functioning of your finely tuned mind in the future. We must insist, therefore, that Lisa Lupner stop this activity forthwith.
In fact, Research has suggested that Lisa Lupner is not a suitable mate for you. Children of any union between the two of you are at serious risk of developing Tay Sachs and other genetic diseases ordinarily associated with people of Jewish ancestry. This would cause irreparable damage to the Adam-12 germ line, something we cannot allow. (Please be sensitive when you tell Lisa Lupner that you can no longer see her. We're not heartless, you know.) The good news is that Research is currently combing our database for data on whom your ideal mate might be, and we will be happy to let you know who she is as soon as we know. We can tell you, though, not to expect her to be Jewish.
We have nothing against Jews; we just need to protect our investment.
In a similar vein, the Psychology Department of the Research Division strongly advises that you stop playing with Israel "Izzie" Gold. We are quite prepared to overlook the incident with the matches behind the school - boys will be boys, after all. However, Psych has run a profile on young Mister Gold, and have concluded that there is a 97% chance that he will start torturing small animals within the year, assuming he has not begun to do so already. As an avid fan of Law and Order, I'm sure we don't have to tell you where this will lead. Because of this, we must forbid you from ever seeing Izzie Gold again. No, no, don't try to argue. Really, with all of the positive qualities that have been bred into you, you'll have no trouble making all of the friends you want!
Overall, we're very pleased with your progress at school. With your straight As, how could we not be? However, we are concerned that your best mark is in Music, where, we understand, you have taken up the tenor saxophone. It is a fine instrument, to be sure, and we would like to encourage you to excel in its playing as a hobby. However, the optimum career path for someone with your innate advantages would be either brain surgeon or dotcom CEO. Please consider these options carefully before you decide.
Oh, and, we would appreciate being fully informed if your father is encouraging you to pursue music as a career. Somebody has to think practically of your future, and if it isn't your parents, it will just have to be us. By court order, if necessary.
Some of this may seem harsh to you now. But, please believe us, Michael, when we say that this is all for your own good, and some day you will thank us.
Congratulations, bar mitzvah boy!
Sincerely,