Has this ever happened to you?
"That...that can't be, doctor." The Patient buttoned up his shirt, stunned.
"I'm sorry to have to be the one to break it to you," the Doctor sympathetically responded, consulting a chart to lend credence to his diagnosis.
"But...but, how could such a thing happen?"
"It's no mystery. You eat healthy foods...exercise regularly...don't smoke and drink in moderation. Given basically strong genes, it's no surprise that you're a healthy 42 year-old man."
The Patient refused to believe it. "But...but...my sex drive - it's really dropped..."
"How so?"
"When we were first married, my wife and I could...get it on every day. Sometimes twice a day - usually on weekends, but still. And, now, we only do it maybe three or at most four times a week."
"That's perfectly normal," the Doctor assured the Patient, "for a couple your age. Nothing to worry about."
"But, all my friends are taking Viagra!"
"I hope they're all 60 year-old men with physical ailments other than sexual dysfunction," the Doctor sternly stated. "Any other use of Viagra is highly not recommended."
"Yeah, sure," the Patient responded, thoroughly disinterested in the Doctor's lecture. "But...like, I've noticed that I've been putting on weight..."
"You're well within acceptable limits for a man of your age, height and build."
"Sure, doc, but it's the upward trend I worry about. The trend. Isn't there a pill you can recommend to help me get my weight under control?"
"Look, as we get older, our metabolisms slow down. As a result, we don't burn calories to the same extent that we used to. If we don't reduce our caloric intake, we can gain weight. But, this process is well understood, nothing to be concerned about."
"What about my hair?"
The Doctor felt his bedside manner taking a long walk off a short pier. "What about your hair?" he tensely asked.
"It seems to be thinning. I understand Rogaine may help..."
The Doctor took a long breath. "You're right," he finally said. "You do have an incurable condition the horrible nature of which I have been holding back from telling you out of sheer medical perversity."
"I knew it!" the Patient shouted. He seemed relieved. "What is my condition?"
"It's called aging."
"How...how could I have contracted that?"
"If you live long enough, it happens to everybody."
"Is there nothing you can give me for it?"
"There is one known cure. Unfortunately, it's against the Hippocratic Oath to prescribe it."
"Doc, you're killing me, here! Isn't there anything you can give me? Extract of monkey's blood? Powdered snail semen? Zoloft? I'll take anything experimental - anything! I'm desperate!"
How often does this happen: a perfectly normal man or woman goes into a doctor's office full of hope and trust and comes out a nervous wreck because the doctor refuses to prescribe medication on the flimsy excuse that the person is completely healthy! Hard as it may be to believe, some medical professionals refuse to accept the fact that it is every American's god-given right to pop pills regardless of race, creed, colour, religion or medical condition.
We refer to this phenomenon as Medication Avoidance Syndrome (MAS). There is a recommended treatment: a regime of drug company advertising on television, gifts to medical professionals bought and paid for by drug companies - the human skeleton that sings "I Need a New Drug" is, we think, especially clever - and, of course, a public well educated on its right to fully access the fruits of medical research. As avoidance increases, the regime must increase. In the most extreme cases, a heavy dose of legal action may be called for.
In a free society, medical treatment is everybody's right, not just that of the wealthy. Exercise your right today!
This has been a message from the American Association of Pharmaceutical Multinationals (AAPM).
WARNING: prolonged use may cause deterioration of the government's ability to regulate drug companies, a drastic increase in the prescription and consumption of unnecessary drugs and painful rectal itch. If in doubt, do not consult a doctor.