"Hello?" "Hello?" "Yes?" "Hello?" "Yes, hello." "Hello?" "May I help you?" "Is this the snitch line?" "This is the TIPS line." "Whatever, I want to turn in my husband Frank." "You can report anybody you think may be involved in terrorist activity. We will decide if your complaint has merit. What -" Hello?" "What has -" "Hello?" "Ma'am? What has your husband done to -" "What has he done? What hasn't he done? He no longer mows the lawn, he doesn't go down to the bank to cash our Social Security checks, he -" "Ma'am, I need to know what he has done to cause you to suspect -" "We've been married 57 years, and I always pulled my own weight. Is it so much to ask?" "No, ma'am. But, I need to know why you think your husband is involved in terrorist activity." "Does he have to be?" "I'm sorry." "Can't you just take him away for a couple of days to, you know, teach him a lesson?" "Only if he's involved in terrorist activity, ma'am." "Oh, well, he has an Arab cousin..." "He does!" "She's a third cousin..." "My god, why didn't you say so? Give me your address and we'll have a police cruiser at your house in five minutes!"
"...so, after they amputated, they gave Uncle Ferdo bionic toes. The new toes didn't actually do anything exciting, but they did keep Uncle Ferdo from falling over every time he walked." "Sir?" "Yes?" "What does this have to do with terrrorism?" "I'm getting there. I'm getting there. So, anyway, after Aunt Bertha was diagnosed with her disease..."
"TIPS Hotline." "Yeah. Hi. I was wondering if you could advise me on how to terror-proof my cat." "Your cat?" "Yeah. Fluffy - she's always been kind of high-strung and a bit of a loner and I think she may be becoming attracted to radical politics." "Uhh, sir -" "I just couldn't bear the thought of Fluffy wearing a belt full of explosives around her waist - she doesn't even like being rubbed on her tummy!" "Sir, this is not an advice line. We want the public to report on any possible terrorist activity they see to us." "Oh...OH!"
"Hello, TIPS Hotline." "Alfredo Pachobal is big terrorist in neighbourhood. You will doing something, yes?" "Mr. Kuscinsky?" "Please, no names. Is dis not an anonymous phone line?" "I can't help it. I recognize your voice. Please, sir, stop calling." "What?" "You're only tying up the line, preventing people with serious information from getting through." "Is true dis time!" "Like Mr. Kerchner, who you claimed was sending signals to Al Qaeda in his flower arrangements?" "Was an honest mistake." "Or, Mrs. Serengeti talking about getting a rifle - a BB gun for her 12 year-old nephew's birthday, as it turned out." "I never trusting dat kid!" "Look, Mr. Kuscinsky, I understand your nostalgia for Stalinist Russia. But, this is the United States of America. We don't drag people off to Gulags here." "No? You think Guantanamo Bay is picnic area?" "Please, Mr. Kuscinsky! Don't call here again unless you have real information!" "Humph! Call dis a snitch line!"
"Hello, TIPS Hotline. Our motto: we're not a snitch line." "Oh. You're not a snitch line?" "No, sir." "Then, who do I call to give information about somebody who has been behaving strangely and who I suspect of being a terrorist?" "Oh, that's us." "But...why are you saying you're not a snitch line?" "Oh, well, snitch lines are soooo fifties..."
"...the whole family situation changed. Now -" "Sir, you don't really have any information on terrorism, do you?" "I'm sorry?" "You've been talking for over three hours, and you haven't mentioned terrorism once." "I'm getting there. I'm getting there." "Sigh - alright. But, if I don't hear anything about terrorism in the next hour or two, I'm afraid I'll have to hang up." "Fair enough. So, anyway...where was I?" "Aunt Bertha's disease?" "Oh, yeah. It changed the whole family situation..."
"Well, Miss, I'd be happy to tell you what happens to the information you give us. If it isn't obviously fake - say, Santa Claus or Senta Berger - we forward it to the FBI and the CIA. The FBI is understaffed and dealing with a flood of information, so it will take them six to eight weeks to follow up on your tip. The CIA, on the other hand, will use your information to detain people within two weeks. The people who are detained by the CIA will have nothing to do with terrorism, but that will take years to establish, and, in the meantime, they will be charged and convicted of...something. Then, the FBI will accuse the CIA of withholding information and grandstanding and the President will eventually have to step in and tell them to play nice with each other and -" "You've been working at this a long time, haven't you?" "Can you tell?"
