DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I've been invited to a wedding. Ordinarily, I would be delighted, but I happen to live in Kabul, where the ceremonial firing of rifles sometimes results in a retaliatory airstrike from American troops mistaking it for hostile fire. My problem is: what would an appropriate gift be?
DEAR HEART: Flack jackets used to be the perfect gift; stylish and functional. Since Middle East fashion designers have incorporated serious armor into many of their gown and tuxedo designs, however, this is no longer considered necessary. One thoughtful gift is a portable radar system, which would allow guests to know when American airplanes were overhead and adjust their behaviour accordingly. Such systems can be costly, but having one is much better than trying to get blood out of tablecloths and, if properly maintained, can last a newlywed couple a lifetime.
Some people think a handheld anti-aircraft rocket launcher makes a perfect wedding gift in a war-torn part of the world, but I must respectfully disagree. For one thing, you pretty much have to be an oil-rich Sheik to be able to afford the upkeep. For another, the choice of colours is limited to black and grey, which may not fit the colour scheme of the couple's home. If, despite this, you are considering giving a rocket launcher as a wedding gift, be sure to find out the politics of the family to determine if, in fact, the newlyweds are likely to use it. A gift that collects dust in a closet is not a thoughtful gift.
If you are absolutely stumped, keep in mind that many couples register with a local arms merchant. I'm sure a discrete call to the father of the bride will garner you directions to the appropriate back alley.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: The President of the United States gave a speech praising the countries that supported his war on terrorism, but he didn't mention Canada! Should I be concerned?
DEAR HEART: It sounds like you've already made up your mind. For what it's worth, people sometimes appear callous to those with whom they are closest. Take the fact that he ignored you as a sign of the deep and abiding affection he has for you.
Either that, or he thinks Canada is just another American state. Either way, it's not something a friend should fret about.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: A dear friend of mine who lives in Iraq has a birthday coming up. Any ideas what I should get her?
DEAR HEART: A condolence card.
No, that's too glib. The truth is, I get dozens of letters every day and can only respond to a handful of them, and that on a very strict deadline. Forgive me, Dear Heart, if I am not always able to give each question the consideration and attention it truly deserves, and allow me, in this case, to make amends by offering a more well-considered answer to your obviously heart-felt question.
A bomb shelter and a condolence card.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: Four Canadian soldiers were killed in a training exercise in Afghanistan by a pilot who mistook them for enemy troops. Although he privately apologized to the Canadian Prime Minister, President Bush didn't publicly apologize to the Canadian public until three days later. What gives?
DEAR HEART: Are all Canadians this insecure? Does the cold climate force you to wear your underwear too tight, cutting off circulation to your egos? Get over yourselves! Yes, in such situations, a card of condolence is the accepted response. But, the President is a busy man - what with ridding the free world of terrorism and all - and it's not like his oil patch isn't a few wells short of a gusher, if you know what I mean. If you really value your friendship with the man, cut him some slack! The international community will think all the more of you.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: The United States has refused to recognize the legitimacy of the International Criminal Court, established by the United Nations to try war criminals. In fact, it refused to renew two peacekeeping missions until American citizens were exempted from potential prosecution by the ICC. Now, Canada supported the ICC - is this another slap in the face of our foreign policy, or what?
DEAR HEART: Umm...has your country ever considered therapy?
