"Larry?"
"Bud?"
"I think you know why I'm calling."
"To apologize for releasing Attack of the 50 Foot Snail?"
"Are you kidding? We made back our print costs in Thailand alone! No, I've got my finger on the pulse and my eyes on the prize - and you can get your hands on a piece of the next big thing in the movies!"
"Do we have one full body between us?"
"Do you wanna hear the idea, or do you wanna get personal?"
"Well, as the one-eyed chiropodist said over the poker table to the bald soprano -"
"Okay, here's the idea -"
"You didn't let me finish the joke."
"The set-up was taking too long. The working title of the new film is Young Adolph."
"Menjou?"
"Of course. We want to make a movie about a silent film star nobody remembers because a lot of industries are losing money these days, and we don't want to be left out!"
"If not Menjou, who?"
"Hitler! Young Adolph...Hitler. Get it?"
"Like a promiscuous young man gets a venereal disease."
"You're making it personal, again. Look: it's a natural. A young Austrian house painter without a care in the world, totally unaware of the tragic events that lie in his future!"
"He caused those events, Bud. And, they were tragic for millions of other people, not him."
"So, it's a Greek tragedy! But, Larry, it's also a love story and an ode to the German countryside."
"I don't know..."
"Are you kidding me? Hitler is hot, baby! There are two different made for TV flicks in production on young Adolph - I see that Spiderkid in the title role."
"Okay, Bud, now you're really starting to lose me.
"You prefer Haley Joel Osmont?"
"We're talking about the man responsible for million of deaths in World War II, a man who wanted to wipe an entire race off the face of the earth. And, you want to make him cute?"
"Cute, schmute! I just want a star who can guarantee me a $30 million plus opening weekend!"
"Maybe this is not the sort of subject -"
"So, what do you think? I want your honest opinion."
"Okay. This is the most vile idea I've ever heard."
"Give it to me straight."
"I hate it. I hate the idea. I hate the idea of the idea. If it ever gets produced, I will hate the film. I will hate the script. I will hate the actors. I will hate the soundtrack. I will hate the caterers. I will hate all of the grips. I will especially hate the producers. And, right now, I'm not too impressed with you, either."
"Don't hold anything back."
"If this movie is ever made, I will personally lead the boycotts. I will boycott the theatres that exhibit it. I will boycott the studio that produces it. I will boycott the work of the artists of the talent agents whose clients work in the film. Am I getting through to you?"
"So, you think the idea needs work?"
"I think the idea will be fine - as soon as you get a completely different idea."
"You don't like Hitler as a house painter? No problem. We'll make him a...a medical intern."
"Bud..."
"Sure, he was a house painter in real life. But, that's just history! We're making pictures!"
"Bud!"
"Yes, Larry?"
"Adolph Hitler was a little turd of a human being. Under most circumstances, he would have lived and died a nobody, not even worth a passing fart from history. He doesn't deserve our attention, much less the glorification of a feature film on his youth."
"No, no, no. He was a human monster, and I have proof."
"You do?"
"Would Alec Guinness have played him if he was a nobody?"
"That's my point!"
"No, that's my point."
"Bud?"
"Larry?"
"I'm changing my phone number as soon as I hang up."
