"Welcome to day three of the 1992 Police Brutality Summer Olympics. We'll be getting to the equestrian events in a few minutes, but first, a round-up of the morning's events. Marlene?"
"Thanks, Dave. Perhaps the biggest upset of the Summer Games took place when American James Smith took the gold medal in the 200 Minute Kick, Beat and Mace. Smith totaled an astonishing 27 hospitalized.
"The favourite, Hans Jaeger, the South African who had won the event in 1984 and 1988, had to settle for the silver. Jeremy Bentham, of the always strong British team, finished a distant third.
"After the event, Smith said, 'I owe it all to my coach, Captain Williamson of the 23rd Precinct. He always really stressed the importance of a good follow-through...wow. A gold medal. Won't the low-life Chi scum be surprised when they see me coming at them with this!'"
"It makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it?"
"I tremble just thinking about it."
"On to the 400 Minute Citizen Arrest and Interrogation Relay, which was won by team El Salvador. No surprise there - the El Salvadorans have fielded strong teams ever since they were first coached in the 1970s by American advisers who, for the sake of national security, must remain nameless.
"South Africa took the silver, while the little heralded team from Montreal, Canada, came out of nowhere to take the bronze. The American team, anchored by LA's Laurence Powell, finished seventh."
"That had to be a disappointment, Dave..."
"It certainly was, Marlene. They had been building this team for many years, barely edging out Washington and New York in the national qualifying trials. They had high hopes of bringing some kind of medal home.
"Still, they're a plucky team, and I expect to see them giving their best in 1996."
"Wasn't there some controversy surrounding the Citizen Arrest and Interrogation Relay?"
"That's right. The Israeli and Saudi Arabian teams had to be disqualified when they started beating up on each other as the teams lined up under starter's orders. Olympic Commissioner A. Bartlett Perry called it, 'a disgusting display of unsportsmanlike conduct which should have stayed in the competitor's complex."
"The 500 Minute Sexual Assault preliminary heats had to be canceled this morning when the victims snuck off the playing field and sought asylum in the Canadian embassy. The event has yet to be rescheduled, but there should be an announcement by late this afternoon..."
"Sexual Assault is a trial event at the Police Brutality Olympics, isn't it?"
"That's right. And, believe it or not, there's still a lot of opposition to making it an official event. Many governments refuse to accept the fact that sexual assault and other forms of sexual abuse are used by many police and military forces around the world as a tool of political repression."
"You'd think they'd get with these post-feminist times."
"Precisely. But, I'm confident that officials will drop their blind prejudice and approve the event in 2000."
"Okay. Now, Marlene, we've been getting a lot of complaints from viewers who feel the Police Brutality Olympics trivializes a serious problem and is insensitive to the suffering of the victims of offensive and/or illegal police behaviour. How would you respond to that?"
"Well, Dave, demographics have shown that our audience is primarily made up of contented members of the middle and upper classes. Safe in their securely wired or privately guarded homes, they don't feel police issues affect them directly. So, until they are prepared to treat police brutality with the outrage it deserves, why should we?"
"And, that's not likely to happen soon, is it?"
"Not in time to spoil 1996, in any case."
"Okay. We have to break for a commercial. When we return, we'll go live to the streets of London for the 500 Metre Chasing Man Down the Street Equestrian Event..."
