"Nobody move, or the forest gets it!"
"Don't do anything crazy!"
"Back off, man. I mean it! I've got an axe and a box of matches, and I won't hesitate to use them!"
It was a classic standoff. Sergeant Norbert Destry had seen enough of them to know that there was only one way it could end: messily.
Sarge Destry sighed. Things had been a hell of a lot easier when he was with the United States Armed Forces. Then, if you had any problems, you could just call in Strategic Air Command and napalm the whole area. There was a lot to be said for having air superiority over the rest of the world.
The fall of Russia put an end to the fun, of course. Without the Cold War, the Armed Forces fell on hard times. Oh, sure, there would always be tinpot third world dictators to depose and rebel insurgencies to crush, but that was kid's stuff. Not much glory in it, really.
The USAF drifted, purposeless. It was clear that some sort of reorganization was necessary, and the Armed Forces was prepared to make the necessary changes - as long as they didn't involve cutting anything out of the budget.
Somebody suggested the military be refocused as a global agency to protect the environment. The lesson of the American Environmental Protection Agency - which had a huge budget for an organization which didn't actually fulfill its mandate - wasn't lost on the army brass.
Thus, the United Nations of America Armed Forces was created.
To be sure, the new organization had some teething problems. Its first assignment, to deal with a tanker leaking oil off the coast of Venezuela, turned into a publicists nightmare when the UNAAF used a TOW missile to blow it up. Not only was the tanker's entire cargo immediately dumped into the water, but a fire on the ensuing slick spread noxious fumes over hundreds of kilometers of inhabited land.
Old habits die hard.
Destry, then a private, took part in the UNAAF's second mission. The UNAAF had to stop a chemical company from illegally shipping toxic waste to Ethiopia. Wasting no time, the UNAAF sent a thousand crack troops into the chemical company's home town - Cleveland.
Going door to door, the approved method of rooting out "hostiles," the troops converged on the company's headquarters, which they had located using the most sophisticated satellite photography technology available. (It had occurred to somebody to look up the address in the local phone directory, but this was vetoed at the highest levels as, "Not our way, Mister!") The advance team achieved penetration of the company President's office several hours after the operation began, only to be told that they would not be allowed in without an appointment.
The operation cost 148 American lives, at least three quarters from friendly fire, and caused hundreds of millions of dollars in property damage. Several lawsuits are still making their way through the courts. This was clearly a low point for the UNAAF.
The public was becoming disenchanted with the idea of environmental protection - especially people in Cleveland. One commentator, in a charming display of naivete, went so far as to suggest that it was wholly inappropriate for the military to be called upon to solve what were essentially socio-political problems, as if this hadn't been the sole purpose of the military since time immemorial.
Recognizing that something had to be done, the UNAAF took decisive action: it changed its name. The new and improved "Green Police" would no longer be identified with the bad old UNAAF. To show the public that the UNAAF was serious about reform, it promoted a lot of its field troops.
People like Private Destry.
And, the Green Police were an improvement, if the reduction of lives lost and property destroyed is any indication. Unfortunately, the military mind is slow to change. "Wilson," Sarge N. Destry barked, "get SAC Headquarters on the line. I'm tired of pussyfooting around with this damn eco-terrorist!"
"You mean...?"
"That's right. We're going to destroy this forest to save it!"
