Now, for a limited time only and subject to all the usual restrictions, you can win a Dream Date with the Vice President of the United States of America, Dan Quayle. Picture it: being whisked away on an Armed Forces Jet at taxpayer expense to the 19th Hole for drinks and small talk.
"I hear you once worked in the consumer protection division of the Indiana attorney general's office," you will excitedly remark. "You must have been proud to work at a job where you could help ordinary people."
"It was just a job," Dan will suavely reply. "It wasn't any special interest in consumer affairs. I needed a paycheck and the attorney general said that I would be best to go down there because he knew I was anti-consumer."
How thrilling it will be for you to clear your throat, sip your drink and try to find a polite way to change the subject! "I understand you're head of the National Space Council," you will comment. "Can you tell me what NASA's plans for Mars are?"
Nodding his head with enthusiasm, Dan will answer, "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
The Vice President is just full of surprises, isn't he? Of course, you will feel compelled to point out that probes to Mars have found no evidence of either water or oxygen.
"I stand by all my misstatements," Dan will say with a chuckle.
Sound too good to be true? Well, hold on - your dream evening is just beginning! From there, you will be whisked away by Dan's cadre of Secret Service agents to a waiting limousine which will take you to a nearby four star restaurant. In order to more fully establish a romantic mood, Dan will get a member of his Press Office to order your meal for you.
When the two of you are, more or less, alone, you will press Dan on the Marx/oxygen question. "We can and we will never, never surrender to what is right," Dan will cheerfully insist.
Blissfully confused, you will let slip that you were a bit worried about the Vice President's efforts, as the head of the Competition Council, to tighten the definition of "wetlands." "Aren't you concerned," you will ask, "that half of the wetlands now protected by legislation will be opened for commercial development if your new definition is accepted?"
Dan will shrug, unconcerned. He will take your hands in his, look deep into your eyes and say, "How about if we say when it's wet, it's wet?"
At this point, you may be forgiven for coming to the conclusion that the Vice President is a raving idiot. But, the evening has been going so well up to this point that, despite your rising anger, you will continue: "Okay, you've said that the Republican Party is pro-choice, but you've pandered to the anti-abortion Far Right. Which stand is going to make it into the Party's platform in the upcoming election?"
"Now, how we do that within the platform," Dan will explain, hungrily spearing a passing shrimp, "the preamble to the platform, or whatnot, remains to be seen. But that message will have to be articulated with great clearness."
In the mood of the evening, you will be overwhelmed by emotion. "What a moron!" you will comment under your breath.
Dan will not take offence. "What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have a mind is being very wasteful," he will cheerfully agree.
You will not be able to contain your passion any longer. "Oh, get out of here!" you will madly shout. "Let me eat my dinner in peace!"
Dan will sheepishly accept your dismissal. But, as he gets to the door of your private room, he will turn back and defiantly comment, "This isn't a man who is leaving with his head between his legs."
Yes, your Dream Date with Vice President Dan Quayle will be a magical, perfect evening, the kind that only comes once in a lifetime, the kind you'll be telling your friends about for years to come. And, the best part of it is, it's so easy to win! "How?" you may well ask.
Elect George Bush for President in 1992, of course.
* All quotes straight from the Vice President's mouth!
