Good evening. Our top story tonight: in an attempt to bolster his faltering campaign, Democratic Presidential hopeful Jerry Brown announced this afternoon that, when he was younger, he did have sex outside of marriage. Brown added that this shouldn't hurt his chances as he didn't...uhh...that is...well, in any case, he didn't enjoy it.
In other news: a high - wait, I've just been handed a bulletin. United States President George Bush, on a goodwill tour of the State of Kansas, plunged headfirst into a bowl of vichyssoise. Information is sketchy, but apparently the President is fighting for his life in a local hospital. That bulletin once again: President Bush is in the soup.
Vice President Dan Quayle, somewhere on the back nine, was unavailable for comment.
In other election news: a high source in the Republican Party tried to put some distance between Bush's Willie Horton commercials in the 1988 campaign and Republican hopefuls Patrick Buchanan's recent immigrant-bashing and David Duke's entire existence. "We are kinder and gentler," he explained.
Talk about the brownshirt calling the stormtrooper racist.
In other international news, Middle East peace negotiations broke down once again when the Israeli delegation stormed out of the hallway in which talks were being held and into the abandoned negotiating chamber. The two sides had apparently agreed that the carpeting in the hallway was hideous and had to be replaced, but unofficial representatives of the Palestine Liberation Organization insisted on choosing their own pattern in a corner of the hall, forcing Israeli negotiators into a fallback position that there would be no carpet for peace.
The United Nations waited for a sign from the US before taking decisive action.
In national news, Constitutional Affairs Minister Joe Clark is looking towards the end of the so-called "Canada Round" of Constitutional talks. "If this isn't successful," one of his aides quipped, "we'll have to enter the Lablahh's round of talks."
There isn't enough beer in the country to drown those kind of sorrows, gu - hold on. This update just in: President Bush has been taken off the critical list with what doctors are calling...a really bad flu? The President's condition is stable - the flu? - although nobody knows when he will be back on the job.
We have word that the Vice President has been informed, but that he's shooting well over par and is in a very bad mood.
In business news: markets around the world dropped slightly yesterday with the news that compassion futures on Wall Street had plunged. "Compassion always drops in value during an economic downturn," one insider - uhh, actually, I mean, industry analyst said. "But, it always manages to bounce back - and, anyway, the market would survive without it."
In sports: the Blue Jays opened the regular season with a 4-2 win over the Detroit Tigers. Already, die-hard Toronto fans can be heard muttering, "Alright! The Jays are in first place with only 161 games left in the season!"
It's sad, really.
And, finally: have you heard of the Manongahela Smoking Lizard? Well, it seems that - what? It seems that there is another update on the President. George Bush has apparently been discharged from hospital. Suffering from what one doctor referred to as "a mild upset in his tummy-wummies," the President was put to bed with a glass of warm milk and told not to exert himself unduly for the next couple of...hours.
Vice President Quayle, upset over the highest score he's ever received on the course, threatened to decapitate a Deadline News reporter with his niblick.
And, remember, folks: you heard it here first.
Finally: have you heard of the Manongahela Smoking - what? We're out of time?
Good night.
