As of January 1, 1992, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (alternately referred to as the USSR, the Soviet Union and that Damned Red Menace) ceased to exist. The reactions of world leaders and others in the public eye was, for the most part, predictable.
But, what do world leaders and others in the public eye really think of the demise of the Soviet Union? Thanks to the magic of the Hermeneutically Underpinned Mind (Original and Unabridged) Reader, a pet project of the Institute for Research, Advanced, now we know.
American Generals: "There goes the pension."
Baker, James (US Secretary of State): "Thank goodness I don't have to visit that dreary little hole ever again!"
Bourassa, Robert (Premier of the Province of Quebec): *
Buchanan, Pat (American media personality and Presidential hopeful, who bears no resemblance whatsoever to Joseph McCarthy): "Okay. This is not a disaster. I still have Cuba and China to make election issues out of."
Bush, George: "Well, gee, I guess I better, like, work on domestic agenda thing, now."
Bush, Neil (the latest scion of a shameless family): "Sounds like they'll be needing some financial advice...I wonder what it takes to start a Savings and Loan in Russia..."
Duke, David: "See what happens when you allow minorities in a country to get too powerful?"
Honderich, John (newspaper editor): "Yeah, sure, this is important news to people in world capitals - but, what does it mean for the people of Toronto?"
Jackson, Michael (internationally renowned Twinkie): "We can slip five million units in by the end of the month..."
Kennedy Smith, William (the last remnant of a once proud family): "Hmm...I wonder what that babe Raisa is doing tonight..."
Lastman, Mel (Grand Poobah of North York, not to be confused with New York, its poor cousin): "Hmm...the new Republics will each need to open up a trade office...better go and rezone me some land!"
Lindros, Eric (puckster): "Okay, so, maybe miracles do happen. I'm still not going to play for the Nordiques!"
Madame Tussaud (waxworks impresario): "Another one for storage!"
MacDonald, Bob (newspaper columnist, Canada's answer to Pat Buchanan): "Nice try, Comrades, but I've seen through more effective public relations ploys in my time!"
McDougall, Barbara (Minister for External Affairs): "Wow! What great news! Or...is it bad news? Hmm...maybe I should wait to see what Brian has to say..."
McLaughlin, Audrey (federal NDP leader): "Oh, Mikhail! You're such a disappointment to me!"
Mulroney, Brian (putative Prime Minister): "Hmm...I wonder if there's still time to get a photo opportunity with Gorbachev before - I knew I should have gotten in touch with Yeltsin's office, but he looks like a bear in a business suit..."
Nayman, Ira (nobody in particular): "What a great opportunity to advance the cause of peace! I hope world leaders can put aside their selfish concerns and petty differences to help the newly emerging eastern block countries develop democratically."
North, Oliver (hero, definitely not a criminal, no way, unh uh, nope): "They seem to be having a little trouble in Georgia. If I went down there with a cake in the shape of a hammer and sickle, a copy of the Declaration of Independence signed by the President and 24 TOW missiles, we could make a little money. Then, we could..."
Parizeau, Jacques (Parti Quebecois leader): "Hee hee hee..."
Quayle, Dan: "Okay. This is not a problem. We still need a Strategic Defense Initiative to...to protect us from all those unhappy potatoe farmers in...umm...Tierra del Fuego!"
Reagan, Ronald (former Cowboy in Chief of the United States): "Russia? What's that?"
Shamir, Yitzchak (Israeli President) "Settlers!"
Turner, Ted (CNN visionary, Time Man of the Year): "This can't be the end of history. Think what it will do to the ratings!"
Soviet Generals: "There goes the dacha."
Thatcher, Margaret: "Now, how can I take credit for this, I wonder?"
Zink, Lubor (rabidly paranoid journalist): "The Soviet Union hasn't stopped being a military threat just because it no longer exists!"
* Nobody knows what Robert Bourassa is thinking.
