"The following editorial comment is brought to you by MultiNatCorp, makers of fine everything since 1987. If you can't buy something from us to fill it, your need can't be that urgent. Remember: we are MultiNatCorp. We do stuff."
Once in a while, I feel so strongly about a subject that I come out from behind my satirical façade and speak directly about an issue. For those of you who expect fun, frivolity and potshots at really famous people, don't worry: I'll return to my usual good-natured viciousness next week.
The subject I feel needs to be discussed is - what? Do I - yes, but, do I have to do that right now? Oh, alright. For those of you who cannot see me, I'm wearing a Burpsi Cola t-shirt with the slogan, "Quenches the thirst you didn't even know you had." My jeans are by Kelvin Klown: "If they don't cut off the circulation in your thighs, they're not Kalvin Klown." My running shoes are by Mike, as in: "Let's get Mike to wear them!" And, of course, I'm wearing a Lablahh's baseball cap.
Now, the subject which has been giving me sleepless nights and virtually destroyed my family is - what? Oh, right. Sorry. I got so wrapped up in what I wanted to say, I - right. Behind me is a banner that says: "Les Pages Aux Folles Steel Meals Tour sponsored by Chiplets french fried chewing gum."
Okay. So, the subject which has been gnawing at my soul...will be the subject of my comment after this brief commercial message.
"Nature. You've got to love it. It was here life took its first stroll on a beach. It will be here long after mankind has left the cradle of its birth. At MultiNatCorp, nature is a precious commodity. That is why we are proud to bring it to you - in the form of furniture...processed foods...and fine television programming about mosses and toads and...well, nature. Because, doesn't nature seem so much better when it's conveniently packaged for mass consumption? We are MultiNatCorp. We do stuff...for the environment."
Okay. We're back. For those of you who have just joined us, I have put aside my usual witty, mirthful persona to talk about a subject which, if you'll pardon the expression, really burns my keister. It -
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
The subject that really gets my dander up and gooses my gander is -
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
Is anybody going to get that? What? Oh, no, sorry - I...I would never go against the union...
RIIIIII -
Hello? What do you mean hold for an opera - hello? Yes? No, I don't want a subscription to Business Illustrated. Yes, I'm sure it is a fine magazine for the armchair economist, but - look, I'm working myself right now - no, I don't want a subscription for my office!
How did you get this phone number, anyway? Yes, I realize that your supervisor gave it to you, but I mean where did your firm get this number? A computer company that culled the information from old government documents, credit card receipts and medical records sold it to you? That's monstrous! That's an invasion of - yes, I do have asthma. What's that got to do with - you're going to do what with my credit rating? You wouldn't da -
Yes. Yes. Alright. Just the one, thanks. My address is - oh, of course. Right. Goodbye.
Okay - I seem to be running out of time, so let me get straight to the point. This morning, I got 57 separate pieces of mail, and not one of them was a personal letter. Not a single one. Hell, after the 55th piece, I would have settled for a bill. What I'm trying to say is that we're losing our right to privacy to commercial interests that are finding more and more intrusive ways to -
"The preceding editorial comment was brought to you by MultiNatCorp. Our 476 wholly owned subsidiaries make everything you could possibly want, so why settle for anything less? We are MultiNatCorp. We do stuff."
