"Mornin' Madge."
"Mornin' Betty."
"Haven't seen you at the Hasty Market in ages."
"Well, I've been traveling with the Bloor Street West Commission to Investigate the Condition of National Unity, haven't I?"
"Oh, how nice for you! Was your Commission riven with internal dissension, petty infighting and long, fruitless arguments about the scope of your mandate?"
"Naah. We were just looking at national unity. It wasn't like we had taken on something really controversial, like reproductive technologies."
"Oh."
"Besides, it was just me, Harry and Mister Hucknell from across the street."
"I see."
"There were some touchy moments when Harry arrived late for Commission hearings with lipstick on his collar, but we decided to put aside that little argument for the good of the country."
"Very patriotic of you."
"Harry thought so."
"So...did your Commission reach any conclusions?"
"Yes, we did. We agreed that we'd all rather live in Vancouver."
"You got to go to Vancouver! Why, I remember when I was on the South Annex Committee de L'Amite Nationale last summer - we only got as far as Wawa! Vancouver - how did you manage it?"
"We skimped on photocopying."
"That's the secret? And, you didn't go over budget?"
"Of course we went over budget! It would have been...unCanadian of us not to go over budget!"
"True. True. We went over budget because one of our Commission members made unauthorized long distance calls to American phone sex services."
"Disgusting!"
"I'll say! Using Toronto phone sex services would have kept us within budget and aided the local economy."
"Still, it goes to show that you should always set aside a small amount of your budget for unanticipated expenses."
"True. True... So, did you find out anything else?"
"Oh, Betty! The country is in a foul mood - a terrible foul mood! Vicious hatred dogged us everywhere we went!"
"People have no respect for those from other ethnic, religious or linguistic backgrounds?"
"People have no respect for Unity Commissions! The way some folks reacted to our call for submissions, you'd have thought we were advocating the eating of raw babies or something!"
"Oh, I know exactly what you mean. John - my youngest - came home from school in tears - just in tears! When I asked him what was wrong, he said several members of Miss Pfister's Grade Five Chess Club and Unity Commission had quit, claiming they had too much homework. But, he knew the real reason they quit was because of a vicious editorial in The Rabbit, the school newspaper."
"You know what I think the problem is?"
"What's that?"
"Unity Fatigue."
"Unity Fatigue?"
"Sure. These linguistic problems have been around since Confederation - that's at least 10 years, no matter how you look at it. By now, everybody in the country has either sat on or made a submission to a Unity Commission. It's democracy run amok, is what it is - democracy run amok, and people are tired of it."
"I don't know...can you ever have too much democracy?"
"Too much of anything causes cancer - it's a scientific fact!"
"Hmm...you know what I think it is?"
"What?"
"I think the problem is that the politicians who solicited all this input will ignore it and do what they want anyway. Somewhere inside of us, we realize all of this effort is pointless, and it makes us cranky. What do you think, Madge?"
"..."
"Madge?"
"I...I have to make dinner and collate some information for an interim report. It's been nice talking to you, Betty."
"Always a pleasure, Madge."
