Rumours of Ellen Degeneres' character coming out of the closet have been swirling around her eponymous television show for months. Until this week, only her ratings company knew for sure. Will she or won't she last? To answer this question, ask yourself another: is prime time television ready for a gay eponymous character? Isn't being eponymous enough of a burden for a character to bear?
Now, you seem like a typical enough audience member. If not, could you please get one? That's okay -- I can wait. Okay, Typical Audience Member (remember: that's you), to determine if you're ready for Ellen coming out, ask yourself the following questions:
When watching Baywatch, are you more interested in following David Hasselhoff or Pamela Anderson's derriere?
Do you think you know the real reason Rob and Laura Petrie slept in separate beds?
Have you ever asked yourself, "If Bob Kostas played baseball, which side of the plate would he bat from?"
Do you ever wonder what Vanna White would look like in bondage gear? How about Pat Sajak?
Have you always suspected that Tim Allen's obsession with tools is just a little bit of an exaggerated form of masculinity? Have you ever suspected further that there was something just the slightest bit suspect in his ineptness with said tools?
Did the fact that, until recently, we never saw the private lives of the detectives on Law and Order suggest to you that something other than typical male bonding was going on?
Have you ever wondered what exactly Dan Rather's relationship to Kenneth was? (No biggie -- everybody has.)
Have you ever wondered why Bill Maher seems so obsessed with being politically incorrect?
Don't you think it's strange that two people as attractive as Mulder and Sculley never seem attracted to each other? (Remember the closet? -- the truth is in there.)
Have you ever secretly fantasized about what Bob Barker would really like to find behind door number three?
Do you think you know the real reason Captain Picard calls Commander Ryker his "Number One?"
Don't even mention Murphy Brown!
But since I'm on the subject, have you ever wondered who the "I" was who loved Lucy?
With all those beautiful women around him, don't you have to wonder why all that Henry Hinn ever seems to want to talk about is money?
Have you given any thought to why Graham Chapman of Monty Python's Flying Circus liked to perform in drag? Oh, no, wait -- everybody knows he was gay. Okay, but what excuse do the other members of his comedy troupe have?
Now, you must have given some thought to why Scott Thompson of Kids in the Hall liked to perform in drag, right? Oh, no, wait -- everybody knows that he was gay, too. Okay, but what excuse do the other members of his comedy troupe have?
Okay, even if you've never considered yourself sensitive to such things, you surely have given some thought to why Norm MacDonald of Saturday Night Live has never performed in drag, haven't you?
And while we're on the subject of comedy, did you ever notice how butch Pat Buchanan was and how femme Michael Kinsley was when they were the stars of Crossfire? Oh, come on, don't tell me you didn't! (Or...was that just a political thing?)
Could there really have been a time so innocent that four healthy young men like the Monkees could have lived together without any eyebrows being raised? Doesn't it raise your eyebrows right now just thinking about it?
Siskel and Ebert -- don't they bicker just like your parents? (Come on -- be honest now. It's a reflection on them, not your parents, for goodness sake!)
Touched By an Angel -- you must have thought long and hard about what sexual orientation angels are. I mean, really, you wouldn't be human if you hadn't given it some thought at all. Why don't you just admit that you're curious about it? Hunh? Why don't you just come right out and admit that you want to know what sexual orientation angels are?
It should be clear from this little test where you all stand. And each and every one of you should be ashamed of yourselves!
