Was the recent airstrike against Iraq just a bit of nostalgia on the part of an outgoing President? One of the raids was called a "spanking;" if the United States decided to stage an embargo of food and supplies to Iraq, would that constitute "sending the country to bed without any supper?" Could Operation Desert Storm -- which took place two years ago for those of you with MTV Memories -- be considered "throwing the kid out of the house with only the clothes on his back?" How about "throwing the kid from the family down the street out of its neighbour's house? "If this is the new language of international diplomacy, can the estimated 100,000 Iraqis who died in the Gulf War sue the United Nations for child abuse?
What makes morning radio disk jockeys think they are funny?More to the point, what makes the people who continue to employ morning radio disk jockeys think they are funny?
Since political pundits have decided Bill Clinton's Presidency will be a failure days before he has actually taken office, can we retire all the historians who may be clinging to the obviously outdated idea that time determines such things? Hell, since Clinton's administration is already a failure, why doesn't he save himself the trouble of getting inaugurated and go straight to writing his memoirs and setting up his Presidential library? (Oh, you really think he would be the first President to write his memoirs without actually having accomplished anything worthwhile?)
Are oil spills like the most recent breaking up of the tanker Braer off Britain's Shetland Islands the method by which postmodernists "deconstruct" nature? Can we expect Christo to go around wrapping oil-soaked birds in colourful cloth? Is that what it takes to get people to notice what our dependence on oil is doing to the environment?
The Globe and Mail, Canada's national -- but never nationalist -- newspaper has added two new features: The Middle Kingdom, a page of analysis in addition to the editorial, op-ed and Facts and Arguments pages (not to mention the "analysis" pieces that have been cropping up more and more in the news section, not unlike fungus); and The Tattler, a newsy counterpart to Noises Off, the arts section's gossip column. The Globe claims it is "expanding the concept of news:" would it be too much to ask them to include news in their expanded concept?
Now that the recession is officially over, is Statistics Canada going to buy some champagne for the 1.5 million people celebrating on unemployment lines?
Are Members of Parliament calling for mandatory national testing of high school students prepared to take standardized knowledge tests themselves? Are they prepared to vacate their seats and run in a by-election if they fail? Or, will they get off if they bring a note from their doctor to the next sitting?
If "I am Salman Rushdie," can I cash his latest royalty cheque for The Satanic Verses?
Would the smokers who insist upon lighting up in defiance of Toronto's new by-law against smoking in public places mind having my lung operation for me?
Will the people who are arguing that increased patent protection will cause multinational drug corporations to do more research in Canada -- as opposed to, oh, I don't know, pocketing the difference -- take a pill? Please? If the people of Canada incorporated in the Bahamas, claimed to be a multinational corporation and donated tons of money to the Conservative Party and causes it supports, could they finally get a break?
The first diplomatic move of the new Clinton government was to launch an "extraordinary challenge" of a free trade panel ruling on -- are you ready for this? -- drugs. Is that some kind of crazy poetic justice, or have I lost sight of the trough?
The Mel Party (officially known as the National Party) has announced it will be fielding 200 candidates in the next federal election -- isn't it time party leader Mel Hurtig announced that it was all a joke? Or, is he waiting for a more appropriate time, like election night? If he can keep a straight face until after the election, will the press have to start taking him seriously?
Isn't the type in the slimmed down Toronto Star just the most adorable thing? Don't you feel like pinching the newspaper's cheek and cooing at it? Can we start calling it "The Large Paper that Shrank?"
Why isn't there a television show featuring wrongful arrest charges arising from real life police procedural programs like Cops or America's Most Wanted? Wouldn't you watch a show called America's Most Brutal or Apologies Cops are Forced to Make By the Cowardly Bureaucratic Weenies at Headquarters? If viewers are really interested in the nuts and bolts of the American justice system, why isn't there a show called The People's Bankruptcy Court?
Mmm...some impertinent questions have obvious answers.
