Some Americans just can't seem to get enough of election campaigns. There can be no other explanation for H. Ross Perot's kicking off the 1996 Presidential campaign a mere three months after the end of the 1992 Presidential campaign with -- take a deep breath now -- The First National Referendum -- Government Reform Presented by Ross Perot.
The billionaire populist has added another oxymoron to his long list of accomplishments: leader of the reluctant opposition. Unfortunately, if you oppose something long enough and loud enough, voters will believe you actually come to stand for something. This has frequently led to electoral victory in the past.
What would a Perot presidency look like? Would he hold barbecues on the lawn of the White House to benefit the financially strapped (which, to Perot, probably means anybody who has had to trade in his stretch limo for a regular sized one)? Could every American expect to get a free set of ginzu knives every time Perot bought a half hour of television air time to sell his policies?
Policies? What policies?
"Mister President! Mister President! The Russian Republics are on the verge of civil war! What should the United States do about that?"
"Well -- hee hee -- I was always taught that you can't make an omelette without breaking a few skulls. This is a time of crisis, but every crisis has within it the seeds of opportunity; if only we can use them to grease the wheels of creative endeavour and open up for ourselves new territories in which to eat our omelettes -- or, indeed, our eggs any way we like them because freedom -- sweet, wonderful, freedom -- also means freedom to have our eggs any way we wish, whether they be fried, scrambled or even poached. That's what has always made this country great, and that's what will continue to make us great well into the next century."
"Yes, sir. But what should we do about the crisis in Russia?
"Am I not making myself clear? Look, we gotta lift the hood of the engine of social and political change, son, and boldly peak inside and see how things are working. We should see if the country's tank is half full orhalf empty -- I've always been an optimist, so everybody knows where I stand on that philosophical issue. We must ascertain if the engine block is hot enough to fry an omelette, or if somebody has been shifting gears without working the clutch.
"Always pay close attention to the clutch.
"We must act decisively at the same time as we are cautious. We mustn't be afraid to roll up our sleeves and get our elbows full of grease, be it engine grease or that special grease that only comes from frying up a batch of eggs, because the work ethic that gets people dirty is what made this country great, and can make other countries just as great as long as they're willing to follow our experience with blind devotion."
"But, Mister President, the Russians! What are we going to do about the Russians?"
"Well, now, I'll tell you. I've got a whole passle of educated young fellows looking into that subject even as we speak, and I'll be happy to give you my policy on that just as soon as they come up with one."
"Oh..."
"No, don't thank me, son. Where I come from, you have to know how to settle family squabbles right quick, or they fester for generations."
"Mister President! Mister President! The unemployment rate is closing in on 20 per cent. What is your administration going to do about that?"
"Well -- hee hee -- I was always taught that you can't make an omelette without breaking a few unions. Not being able to afford to feed your family is a terrible shame, a terrible shame. I know. It happened to me before I got fabulously wealthy off of government contracts. But it takes somebody who got fabulously wealthy off of government contracts to know that government can't do everything, that it has limits to what it can do.
"I now believe the worse things get, the more potential they have to get better, because every crisis is really an opportunity dressed in raggedy old clothing. You know I'm not a big fan of egghead thinktanks that I haven't paid for, but, you know, they do have a point when they talk about the entrepreneurial spirit infesting our great country like lice on a warthog --"
"But, Mister President, what are you going to do?"
What, indeed?
