Happy 125th birthday, Canada!
"Aww, s'il vous plait!"
"Quebec, did you say something?"
"Sacre merde! I don't want to be part of this smug, arrogant country any more! After 125 years of subservience, I want to be free! Free to make my own rules! Free to make my own mistakes! I want to be able to drink until I think I've had enough! I want my own culture, and my own TV and my own stereo! I want to be able to use the economy when I want to - it's not like I'm planning to crash it, or anything!"
What can you do? You take Quebec by the ear and forcibly twist. Quebec squeals, more out of surprise than pain. "Now, Quebec, dear," you tell the province, "special occasions like this don't come along that often. I want you to come and celebrate with us."
"I want my own country!" Quebec protests. You twist harder.
"Some day, maybe you will have your own country. But, until then, you're part of my country, so you'll live by my rules. So, come and have a good time!"
"Oww!" Quebec howls. Finally: "Okay! Okay! Bonne fete! Bonne fete! Bonne fete, already!" You let go of Quebec's ear.
"Now, don't you feel better?" you ask.
"Oh, oui," Quebec says, rubbing the side of its head furiously.
Happy 125th birthday, Can -
"Nobody loves me!" the West cries.
"Of course, somebody loves you," you reply. "Canada loves you."
"Canada doesn't love me," the West whines. "Canada never pays any attention to me! The only time Canada notices me is when it wants something I've got - like my energy or my wood! Canada always takes my best toys and hardly gives me anything in return! Nobody loves me!"
Now, the West poses a difficult problem. You can't send it to its room, because that will just make it feel more alone and alienated. You can't cut off any of its privileges, because it's already jealous of how much it thinks Central Canada gets out of Confederation. You decide to reason with it.
"Of course, Canada loves you," you say, grabbing West's ear and twisting hard. "For one thing, Canada wouldn't support your farmers if it didn't love you. Oh, sure, maybe Canada doesn't always take you as seriously as you would like, but that's no reason to spoil the party. Come celebrate with us."
"Well - oww, ouch! - since you put it that way, happy - OWW! - birthday, Canada."
Yes, happy 125th bir -
"Yeah, right, like I'm supposed to be happy with this," the East complains.
You move to grab the region's left ear. But, the East, after years of often brutal punishment, knows all your moves; it bats away your hand. You are prepared for this, though: your move to the left was just a feint, and you have no trouble grabbing the region's right ear.
"This is going to be a big celebration," you begin, "and, I expect all of -"
"Alright, alright," the East capitulates. "Happy birthday, Canada. I'll gladly be a part of the festivities. Only please - please! - don't give me any lectures on how lucky I am to be part of Confederation!" And, you didn't even have to twist!
Hap -
"You know, I've been thinking," Ontario chimes in, "I've got a strong economy, even in the midst of a recession. I don't need the other provinces. Maybe I should stop trying to make everybody else happy and ask directly for what I want. I mean, if any of the other provinces didn't like it, they could leave - and, no great loss."
"God, not you, too!" you groan.
"What? What do you mean, 'not y -' oww! Hey! Let go of my - oww!"
"Look," you say to Ontario, "maybe you could go it alone, and maybe you couldn't. But, alone you just wouldn't be as strong or have as much going for you as you do when you are part of a united Canada. So, smarten up and have a nice bloody Canada Day!"
"Well, sure, okay. Happy birthday, Canada. Sorry. I was only thinking out loud..."
Happy 125th birthday, Canada!
It's nice to see that, despite our differences, we're really just one big, happy family!
