Yeah...hello? Can I speak ta Jack Carpenter? Me? I'm his...lawyer, okay? Who da hell are you? Yeah. Okay... Hey, watch what youse does with dat table, it's a antique, okay?
Yeah, Jack? Jack Carpenter? Sid Diddlestein. No, I'm not your lawyer, I'm a talent agent. I wanna -- no, I said I'm not lawyer, I -- I'm a talent agent. I hadda tell da desk sergeant I was your lawyer or he wouldn't let me talk ta youse. I -- look, if we're gonna have a relationship here, you're gonna hafta get beyond dis lawyer thing, okey? That's right -- Sid Diddlestein, talent agent.
Now, Mister Carpenter...Jack, I wanna -- hey! I already warned youse about dat table! Be careful! It's a damn antique!
Yeah, sorry. I wanna represent youse in your future dealings with da entertainment establishment... Please, Jack, hear me out. Youse may not realize it, but you're sitting on a goldmine. That's right. A few hours from now, every studio, television network and publishing house is gonna be knocking on your jail cell door wanting ta tell your life story. And I gotta tell youse, Jack, they're sharks. They'll eat youse alive if you don't got adequate representa --
Sid Diddlestein. Creative Artists Management -- CAM. No, dat's okay. Youse can't be too careful in this business. Sure.
What can I do for youse? Well, I can get youse a hefty advance for a start. If your crime was particularly sensational, I can probably get youse participation points and some say in the casting of the film...yeah, sure. Who would you like to be played by? Un hunh...un hunh...Jack, please -- we can hold out for Pacino, Hoffman...maybe even Tom Cruise. Why would youse want ta settle for dat guy from Married With Children?
Think big, Jack. You can write your own ticket if -- What did I tell youse! What da hell did I tell youse! You better be insured up the wazoo, buddy, cuz this is gonna cost you big time! Sorry about dat, Jack. Youse caught me in da middle of redecorating. When I moved here from IMA, dis office was an ugly dump. Some people got no taste, you know what I'm saying? But you don't wanna hear about my problems...exactly. So, will ya let me represent youse, or what?
Okay. Now, ta do dis properly, I'm gonna hafta know exactly what I'm selling. So, tell me, how many people did youse kill? Jack, relax. Everything ya tell me is in da strictest confidence, like...like a Rabbi or something. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, listen, I'm not here ta judge. I just wanna get da best offer your crime deserves. Look, youse doesn't has ta incriminate yourself, just give me a ballpark estimate...
Seven people? You killed seven people! Really? Jeez, Jack, dat won't even get youse a guest spot on Leno. Ya gotta be in double digits at least for dat honour. Couldn't youse...ya know...exaggerate a little -- just until I got youse a multiple picture deal with a high backend. I mean, it's not like da cops'll be able ta pin anything on youse dey can't already.
Oh. You've murdered seven people and youse gots ethics. Yeah, sure, Hollywood is crawling with ethics, oozing with da stuff. Yeah. Sure.
Well, was there anything unusual about your murders? Did voices tell youse ta do dem, or, uhh, did youse use an unusual weapon -- like a cheese grater or anything? Look, Jack, you're gonna be competing with a woman who paid to have her daughter's cheerleading competition wiped out and a guy who has ta wear a mask or he bites people's noses off. I don't mean ta be critical, but if youse can't give me something I can work with, how does youse expects me ta get youse a good deal on the sequel?
Yeah. Un hunh. Yeah. Yeah. Strawberries and anchovies. Un hunh. Gotcha. Okay, you've convinced me you're one sick puppy. Good. With a little bit of luck, we should be able ta squeeze a book deal and a TV pilot outta dis. I'll get my secretary ta phone youse ta get some of da gruesome details, and don't hold anything back. Da public ain't paying big bucks ta see Bambi, if youse catch my point.
Now, about publicity. We want ta maximize your public exposure. After all, dat is a large part of what da studios are paying for. From now on, don't say a word ta da press -- refer all questions ta me. No -- you don't wanna peak too soon. Dat's why we'll be letting out da details slowly, to a select number of media personalities. Eventually, we'll give People an exclusive interview -- if they pay enough. Yeah. Sure. There's big bucks in exclusives -- for youse and dem. You wouldn't believe how much they increase readership. And, of course, dat increases da potential audience for da movie.
Hey -- yer in good hands. In Hollywood, we know how ta make crime pay.
