Progressive Conservative Party leadership conventions have traditionally been the closest thing in Canadian politics to throwing people to the lions. So, naturally, all the television networks want to bring the event live into your bedrooms (of course, they leave you to figure out how to get the bloodstains out of your carpet yourselves).
It makes sense for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation to cover the event -- half its reporters are based in Ottawa anyway. Baton Broadcasting Systems, which can't decide if its a national television network or a family pet, may have legitimate reasons for covering the convention. Even stations like Youth Television and MuchMusic can do a real service for the country: the sooner young people discover for themselves how corrupt the political process is, the sooner they'll be able to get over it.
As for the Spliffy Peanut Butter Specialty Channel's announcement that it would be covering the convention on SpliffyVision...well, all I can say is, umm, why the hell does Spliffy Peanut Butter have its own specialty channel anyway?
As you flip from channel to channel this weekend, your eyes so bleary you can't focus on the identifiers in their assigned corner of the screen, you may lose track of which network you are actually watching. As a public service, I've put together the following guide to how the coverage will vary on the different networks.
On the first night, a tribute to outgoing Prime Minister Brian Mulroney will be held. If, after four hours, the network cuts to the National Hockey League awards banquet dinner/dance, you're watching the CBC. If, after half an hour, the network cuts to a Cheers rerun, you're watching BBS. If, after half an hout, the network cuts to an ancient episode of Dr. Who, you're watching YTV. If, after five minutes, the network cuts to a Def Leppard video, you're watching MuchMusic. If the network announces that Mulroney was a swell guy and goes straight to a Spliffy the Beaver cartoon marathon, you're watching SpliffyVision.
There will be a bearpit debate between the candidates on Saturday. If a commentator asks, "Who does Garth Turner think he's fooling?", you're watching the CBC. If a commentator asks, "Who does James Edwards think he is?", you're watching BBS. If an on-air personality asks, "Who does Kim Campbell's hair?", you're watching YTV. If an on-air personality asks, "Who does Jean Charest act like when he's not playing for the cameras?", you're watching MuchMusic. If a talking beaver asks, "Who is Patrick Boyer?", you're watching SpliffyVision.
Two of the candidates have admitted trying marijuana in their youth, which could become an issue on the convention floor. If a roundtable panel of experts, none of whom has ever confessed anything publicly, debate the legalization of marijuana for 40 minutes, you're watching the CBC. If a 20 minute documentary on a special police task force on drugs is aired, you're watching BBS. If an on-air personality asks what all the fuss is about, you're watching YTV. If an on-air personality asks where the politicians got the drugs, you're watching MuchMusic. If a talking beaver says, "Mothers, are you aware that studies have conclusively proven that children who eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on a daily basis are 37 per cent less likely to become drug dealers?", you're watching SpliffyVision.
Kim Campbell could win on the first ballot. If a commentator isn't allowed to wonder on air how public television will be funded if she becomes Prime Minister, you're watching the CBC. If a commentator does wonder on air how public television will be funded if she becomes Prime Minister, you're watching BBS. If a teenage on air personality wonders why she doesn't have any children, you're watch YTV. If a late twentysomething on air personality wonders why she didn't bring her guitar on stage for her acceptance speech, you're watching MuchMusic. If there's serious discussion of Campbell's position on trade with Chile -- from which we import a lot of peanut butter -- you're watching SpliffyVision.
Jean Charest could win on the second ballot. If there's a soul-searching analysis of how little analysis his policies have been given (prominently featuring the words "free" and "ride"), you're watching the CBC. If there's an opinion poll that shows a majority of Canadians want to elevate him to the position of minor diety, you're watching BBS. If there's an extensive profile of Charest's children, you're watching YTV. If somebody asks him how he feels about the latest Def Leppard video, you're watching MuchMusic. If somebody mentions how much his head resembles a shucked peanut, you're watching SpliffyVision.
Of course, as Shakespeare truly wrote, convention floor video is convention floor video is convention floor video. If you still have trouble figuring out whose coverage you're watching, don't ask me -- I get all my information from newspapers.
