Have you ever wondered why British and American recording artists seem to have a much better chance of becoming internationally successful than Canadian recording artists? It's not difficult to see why: the American and British industries develop and promote their artists to death, while the Canadian industry...
Aah, the Canadian industry.
The British are eager, sometimes too eager, to develop new bands:
"Oy, Polymorph UK! Whaddya want?"
"Well, I've got this new band that's simply super!"
"Super! Do you have a demo you can send me so I can hear what they sound like?"
"Well, err, they haven't actualy recorded anything yet..."
"Even better -- demo tapes just pile up in the office and trip you up on your way to lunch. Besides, if they haven't recorded anything yet, your band will have to sound fresh, right? Right. Does your band have a name?"
"Err, no, actually. The boy's haven't chosen one yet."
"Good, good -- that gives us a certain amount of flexibility. When can I meet the band?"
"Err, well, actually, I haven't chosen the boys yet."
"Mmm...could be a bit of a problem. The suits have been coming down hard on us lately for signing bands that didn't actually, err, exist."
"Oh..."
"Still, it worked for Malcolm McLaren -- we'll just say you're at the conceptual stage, right? Right. Tell you what. I'll only give you a million pound advance and get another million into publicity -- you deliver me a band on Friday, we'll release a number one single on Monday and nobody will be the wiser. Right?"
"Faboo!"
This explains why British bands don't seem to last for more than 10 minutes (quick: name the last big British band before Suede). But while they have the world stage, British bands make out like bandits (that's right, the last big British band before Suede was The Bandits).
Americans, by way of contrast, are brilliant promoters:
"Polymorph Records."
"Hey. This is Jack Faxx, manager of the hot new rap band Buncha Funky White Boys. How ya doing?"
"What can I do for you?"
"Well, you may have heard our independently released single, 'Straight Outta Camden.' We're looking for a major label to release the album."
"Does the band have enough material for an album?"
"They're currently working on the 'Hang on Sloopy' mix of 'Straight Outta Camden,' featuring heavy organs and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir..."
"That's good, but do they have enough material for an album?"
"They've already finished the 'Peace, Love and Understanding' mix of the song -- that one uses samples from the Army/McCarthy hearings and The Beverly Hillbillies. Then there's the 'Mixed Up Zombie' mix, where the entire song is played backwards except for the bass line..."
"So, is there enough material for an album?"
"Sure. It's basically the same material, but --"
"Hold on. You're telling me you want Polymorph to release an entire album containing nothing but remixes of a single song?"
"You got a problem with that?"
"No -- it's an audacious concept! Let me run it past our lawyers and get back to you."
As for Canada, well, the companies with the most clout are subsidiaries of American record companies, which, not surprisingly, are more interested in distributing American artists in Canada than signing and promoting Canadian bands. Thus, we get conversations on artistic matters like:
"Good morning, Polymorph Records, Canada. How may I help you?"
"Hello. I represent this great new Canadian band and -- hello? Hello...?"
