Headlines Weep Tears Of Red Ink

President Responds With The Classic Line: "Naught On My Watch!"

"U.S. doctors, nurses plead for more equipment" - Toronto Sun

 Nobody Will Complain About The Commute Ever Again
...For A Few Hours, Anyway

"Some good will come of this once it's all over" - Toronto Star

If They're Not Talking To Each Other, What Makes You Think They'll Talk To Me?

"Sisters-in-law are not always friends. Just ask Kate and Meghan" - Globe and Mail

Hard To Do With Digital Fingers...

"Pushing the possibilities of telehealth" - Toronto Star

This Churchill Quote Is The Most Overused - Except For All The Others

"Our current electoral system is the worst - except for all the others" - Globe and Mail

As They Lay Your Body To Rest, Try To Enjoy All The Great Novels, Movies And Paintings

"Over the centuries, plagues have also inspired
Stories of suffering have served as parables of greed, tyranny and even scientific hubris" - Toronto Star

 Remember How Hard We Were On Stephen Harper?
Okay, Bad Example...

"It's OK to criticize Trudeau, even in a crisis" - Toronto Sun

Major Tom Is Announced As The Newspaper's Latest Advice Columnist

"Astronauts know all about isolation" - Toronto Star

 Not That That Will Stop Us From Accusing Him Of Not Doing Enough
We Have A Rep To Maintain, After All

"Cash to curb recession?
Trudeau's 'fiscal firepower' against COVID-19 limited" - Toronto Sun

Or, To Make It Perfectly Clear, Let's Call It Swimming

"Just call it self-quarantining, 'social distancing' is confusing" - Toronto Star

Unlike All Those Past Moments That Had No Connection To The Ones That Came After - Slackers!

"This Moment Could Shape the Future" - New York Times

Travelling Further Than The Passengers Did

"Black boxes from downed Ukrainian jet head to Kyiv" - Toronto Star

When You Have A Military, Everything Looks Like Midway

"Great coronavirus war's upon us" - Toronto Sun

There Is, However, Consensus Among Right Wing Politicians: They Will Cut Taxes Anyway

"Radwanski: The trouble is there's no consensus among economists about what policy makers should do" - Globe and Mail

Orwell Wept

"Do you value your freedom? Then you'd better stay inside" - Toronto Star

Grateful They're Not Living In A Dystopian Novel

"Hostages safe after escaping" - Toronto Sun

Too Bad For Them We're Not Sharing

"Citizens around the world crave our democracy" - Toronto Star

 There. We Said It.
Can You Please Take The Hood Off Our Head, Now? - It's Getting Hard To Breath In Here!

"Big government is the secret ingredient for a competitive capitalist economy" - Globe and Mail

Taxing The Poor Makes Much More Sense

"Taxing the rich isn't the best solution to climate change" - Toronto Star

Don't Be Too Sure - It's Harder To Find A Vaccine That Will Cure Climate Change

"We gambled on wrong threat - climate change" - Toronto Sun

McNo

"McDavid wants full season" - Toronto Star

Enough, Hopefully, To Distract From Capitalism's Tyrannical Present

"Socialism's tyrannical past points to its future" - Toronto Sun

It's The Robocop Paradox

"Speeding tickets up nearly 30% during pandemic
Rise comes as city data shows traffic volumes down in recent weeks" - Toronto Star

 Has There Ever Been A More Perfect Headline?
One For Which The Actual Article Couldn't Help But Be A Terrible Letdown?

"MIRACLE GROW FOR YOUR BUM NOT A GOOD IDEA" - Toronto Sun

During Pandemic Quarantine, Sports Nostalgia A Winning Strategy

"Another NASCAR win for Logano" - Toronto Star

 "Win over Inter puts Juve on top" - Toronto Star

 "Rookie's late tally lifts Reds to win" - Toronto Star

 "Badgers dig up win over Dinos" - Toronto Star

 "Canadians claim bronze
Humphries wins her third world title, but first with American sled" - Toronto Star

 "Thornton vs. Yamaguchi begins in win over Yanks" - Toronto Star

 "FURY WINS IN STUNNING STOPPAGE OF WILDER IN HEAVYWEIGHT TILT" - Globe and Mail

 "EINARSON MOVES TO 3-0 AT SCOTTIES WITH WIN OVER MCCARVILLE" - Globe and Mail

 "CANADA'S SAMANTHA SMITH WINS WORLD CUP BRONZE IN WOMEN'S TRAMPOLINE" - Globe and Mail

 "Gilles, Poirier win silver at Four Continents" - Globe and Mail

 "AYGER-ALIASSIME WINS ROTTERDAM OPENER" - Globe and Mail

 "Kassian says he's focused on getting the win, not another beatdown for Tkachuk" - Globe and Mail

 "SUPER COMEBACK
Kansas City stages late fourth-quarter rally to defeat San Francisco 31-20, win its first Super Bowl in 50 years" - Globe and Mail

 "Everything goes to plan as Leafs win in Music City" - Toronto Star

 "Canadians one step closer to Olympics
Women to face Costa Rica after Sinclair, Zadorsky score in win over Mexico" - Toronto Star

 "SABRES
Captain fighting rut one day at a time
Win over Columbus helps silence fans used to late-season collapse" - Toronto Star

 "POSPISIL TO FACE FELLOW CANADIAN SHAPOVALOV AFTER FIRST ROUND WIN AT OPEN SUD DE FRANCE" - Globe and Mail

 "Panthers pounce on Leafs in third period for comeback win" - Globe and Mail

 "Capitals top Canadiens for fourth straight win - Globe and Mail

 "Thiem closer to Grand Slam glory with win over Nadal" - Globe and Mail

 "Joker digs deep for win
Djokovic holds off rising star Thiem for his eighth title Down Under" - Toronto Star

 "Lowry, Ibaka lead Raptors to their ninth straight win - Globe and Mail

 "Kenin serves notice to the tennis world
Young star will become the top American woman in the rankings after win" - Toronto Star

 "U.S. takes decisive lead in Rivalry Series
With Olympic revenge on their minds, Americans seal 3-1 win over Canada and a 3-1 lead in the competition" - Globe and Mail

 "RUSSIA WINS PAIR OF GOLDS IN DOUBLES LUGE AT WORLD CUP" - Globe and Mail

 "Arrows win on road to remain unbeaten" - Toronto Star

They Should Check Their Shock Absorbers

"Germany's love for the car hits a bumpy stretch" - Globe and Mail

Absolutely! I Need A Six Pack Of Pynchon To Get Me Through The Day!

"Booksellers should be deemed as essential as beer stores" - Toronto Star

As Recreation, Rather Than Necessity

"Running Catches On With Somali Women" - New York Times

 Are You Kidding? A Stiff Breeze Causes Major Delays On Transit Projects!
The Only Way This Would Be News Would Be If The Coronavirus SPED UP Transit Projects!

"Major delays expected on transit projects" - Toronto Star

So...You're Saying I'm Young At Heart?

"With teens, nothing happens before 11 a.m." - Toronto Star

Pretty Sure That's Not How It Works, But Any Excuse To Rewatch Star Wars

"Use the 'Force' of physical distancing" - Globe and Mail

That Amount Of Money Could Buy A Lot Of Extra Words In Headlines

"Ottawa to spend another $2B on medical supplies
Despite recruiting firms in effort, Quebec predicts of imminent shortages" - Toronto Star

Not My Favourite Film In The Series, But I'll Do Research With Whatever Comes To Hand

"CREEPING MENACE
As borders around us close and restrictions on leaving homes are tightened, signs of the novel coronavirus's grip on France are clear, Marta Zarasky writes" - Globe and Mail