by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Ryan "Butch" Untideewheidee didn't get the memo. Not that the Oaf Keepers, the organization to which he wanted to belong, sent out memos; they were more like a flock of birds that just watched each other intently for signs of straying from the current path. Twitchy. Hyper-alert. Prone to sudden changes of direction. Like ostriches. Or, vultures. Or, penguins.
Ryan Untideewheidee was not a very good penguin.
When white supremacists began to focus their vili -
"We prefer the term ‘white nationalist,'" said Kelly Meggsnotferbrekkie, one of the leaders of the Oaf Keepers. When I asked him what the difference was, he answered: "The general public hasn't caught on that white nationalists like burning crosses and beating the Shiite out of people of pigment. Shh..."
Oh. Well, then. When white...supremationalists..."I like Butch, really, I do. Really nice guy," Meggsnotferbrekkie stated. "He would give you the shirt off his back - not that you would want it - he doesn't do laundry as often as he should. Still. Great guy."
Meggsnotferbrekkie paused for effect. Or, perhaps, because he had lost his train of thought. His face was about as expressive as wax paper taped to the side of a nuclear reactor. When I prompted him about trying to remember what he had started to say about Untideewheidee, he cleared his throat and continued: "Yeah. Ahem. Harrumph. Fantastic guy. His heart's in the right place. But, his mind? It's out on Pluto, somewhere. Honestly, if he was any less with the programme, he would have been written out of the show and replaced by a can of baked beans in the 1950s!"
"As I've said many times before: hate doesn't discriminate," explained security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. "The sort of person who hates people of pigment will also hate Jews...indigenous people...redheads - anybody who isn't white like them. But, while it may not discriminate, hate does have a short attention span, flitting from one group to the next and back again. I tell you, hate is worse than a hummingbird on a sugar high!"
The latest target of the Oaf Keepers and other white supremationalist groups are Asian-Vesampuccerians, whose irrational hatred had been fed by former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's repeated assertion that, "COVID? They started it!" (Yes, he learned rhetoric at the university of the playground.) Since the pandemic began, verbal and physical attacks on Asian-Vesampuccerians has skyrocketed faster and higher than GameStop stock under the influence of social media.
But, Untideewheidee? Until recently, he was still blaming Black Lives Matter for rising shorelines, bulging waistlines and the disappearance of bees. When he did finally clue in that the new target was Asian-Vesampuccerians, Untideewheidee made the mistake of starting to pick a fight with young men and women at a taekwando centre instead of old men and women playing strip mah jongg on a street corner.
He will need a couple of weeks in hospital to deal with the broken bones and a good lawyer to deal with the assault charges. The image will remain in his head for the rest of his life.
"Yeah, if anybody asks," Meggsnotferbrekkie shook his head, "I've never heard of him."
"They think they're making a statement by beating up old Asian-Vesampuccerians," security expert Donneednopennance scoffed. "Sure, they're making a statement. And, it is: we're reprehensible cowards who never learned to pick on people our own size, age group and income bracket! I would call them clowns, but that would be a disservice to honest, hard-working circus performers everywhere!"
Could the fact that he continued to attack members of a single group be a sign that Untideewheidee could focus better than most Oaf Keepers, while attacking young people meant he wasn't a coward?
"Naah," security expert Donneednopennance naahed. "He just didn't get the memo!"
I was about to point out that the Oaf Keepers didn't send memos when I realized that that would bring us back to the beginning of the article in a loop that threatened to go on forever. Better to end the article on a high note. C.