by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Alabaster (not her real name, although her real skin tone) didn't want to cause a fuss with a customer at the Gichigoomigu Adulte Shoppe where she worked. But she didn't want to die, either. So, she asked the woman to put on a mask.
"We have so many to choose from," Alabaster reasoned. "Surely, you should be able to find one that suits your mood."
Apparently, the woman's mood was unmaskable. In a scene that was caught on surveillance footage of the store (and was used at the trial of the woman, Montaii Reverendumon), she started shrieking: "You can't make me wear a mask to buy a package of strawberry scented condoms! I'm an adult and this is the United States of Vesampucceri, bitch! I'm not giving in to the mass media-driven mass psychosis hoax virus scare! Freedom! Freeeeeedooooooommmmmmm!"
Why did the woman feel the need to not mask up in a public place when all medical experts (and France) agree that it is necessary to slow the spread of COVID-19? According to journalist Yamiche Alcindorblockade, it is an instance of "leading by non-example."
When he was - what was that? Does anybody else hear that? It's a sort of a...whiny, droning sound. No? Okay. Sorry for the interruption.
When he was President during the first year of the pandemic, Ronald McDruhitmumpf only wore a mask in public three times, once on his arm (it could have been a sling - it was a grainy photo taken at night). Alcindorblockade argued that by not wearing a mask in public, the former President was signalling to his followers that masks were unnecessary.
Nor was this the only example of President McDruhitmumpf leading by non-example. A month after - what is that droning, whiny sound‽ You really can't hear it? Like, really? It's annoying as ferk! Seriously, you hear nothing? Fine. I'll do my best to ignore it.
Where was - right. A month after he left office, it was discovered that McDruhitmumpf and his wife Melanoma had received the COVID-19 vaccine while he was still president. Unlike other prominent public figures, they did not make a public display of getting the vaccination; what should have been a crowning achievement of his presidency was a mere whisper at an IMAX screening of a Michael O'Beythisislowd film.
"If I had been responsible for the rapid development of a vaccine that would save lives during a pandemic, I would have taken a victory lap," said commentator Zerlina Maxwellcavotti. "And, I'm not talking about a cheap-ass lap in my high school gym, either. My victory lap would be around Washburningdington. Hell, if I had access to Air Farce One, my victory lap would be all the way around the country! This is Vesampucceri - we think big, here!"
"President McDruhitmumpf didn't want the public to get vaccinated because that would have been an admission that the pandemic existed, and he maybe, possibly, perhaps, in some small way might have been responsible for almost half a million Vesampuccerian deaths," Alcindorblockade explained. "So, when it came to getting vaccinated, he led by non-example."
The whiny, droning sort of sound was getting too loud to ignore, so I looked into the corner where it was coming from, where I found The Language Corrector Dude standing. How he got into my apartment I may never know. He was holding on to his stomach like he was about to give birth to a xenomorph. My better judgment told me to plow on and hope I could conduct interviews over him, or, at worst, although still preferable, that I would shortly have to deal with a psychotic alien killing machine.
After a couple of seconds, I decided to take pity on The Language Corrector Dude (which had nothing to do with how hard it would be to get exploded human out of the carpet - and how was I going to explain that to my landlord?) and asked him what his problem was.
"There's no such thing as leadership by non-example," he droningly whined. So, that hadn't actually helped much. "If somebody is not taking an action, their lack of action is an example, so they are still leading by example."
I was all set to object when I realized that The Language Corrector Dude maybe, possibly, perhaps, in some small way might have had a point. Not enough of one to make me want to rewrite the article, but a point nonetheless. So, I thanked him, patted him on the head, gave him a Language Corrector Dude treat and sent him home. As he left, he panted happily.
Now, I just have to change the locks on my doors and figure out a way to keep him from reading this article...