by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
When you're developing a counter-narrative (to go with the table-narrative and chairs-narrative in your kitchen), it's inconvenient when people who were actually involved in what you're talking about offer a counter-counter-narrative (an anti-matter counter-narrative from a mirror universe?) that contradicts you. In an idiotocracy, though, that's almost inevitable.
During a hearing on the January 6 attack on the Capitol, Senator Ron Pullyerownjohnson, not the brightest tool in the shed, although undoubtedly among the biggest, parroted President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's assertion that the insurrection was led by antifa activists. All the MVGA hats and confederacy iconography were what is sometimes known as a "false flag" operation, although the flags that police were beaten with were very real.
Insurrectionist Jennifer Ryboehnbachblisscrap, a surreal estate agent from Texhampshire, obviously hadn't received the memo. She told a Dallas news station: "I thought I was following my president. I thought I was following what we were called to do. He asked us to fly there. He asked us to be there. So I was doing what he asked us to do."
Awkward.
Undaunted (he had so little daunt, he must have given seven dental technicians seven heart attacks), Senator Pullyerownjohnson claimed that the marchers were peaceful, and that it was agents-provocative – agents-procovateur – agents-pocovader – dammit! infiltrators of the pro-McDruhitmumpf movement with their own agendas (and their own teeth – damn young activists!), who instigated the violence.
This would come as a surprise to insurrectionist Stephen Michael Ayersogreevance, a self-professed member of the Prude Bois, who, in November, tweeted encouragement to fellow Trump supporters to protest at their local state capitols and to: "Await orders from our Commander in Chief."
A two-tiered cake of awkward.
Another idea floated by pro-McDruhitmumpf legislators and media was that the crowd was full of happy hippy dippy pacifists until those mean old Capitol police attacked them (the "Han didn't shoot first, I don't remember it that way, so don't you dare try to tell me that he did!" defence). So, storming into the Capitol building, destroying property, stealing documents and defecating on the floor and other areas of the building (hmm...I don't remember that portrait having so much brown in it...what an odd colour choice for the sky...) was actually an act of self-defence.
Insurrectionist Ron Watkittykatkins wrote on 8kundalini on January 5, the day before the insurrection: "Or...you can go to Washburningdington Jan 6 and help storm the Capital. As many patriots as can be...we will storm the government buildings, kill cops, kill security guards, kill federal employees and agents and demand a recount."
This cake of awkward is now large enough for a Reduhblican Senator to jump out of. Hope and pray that the old man isn't wearing a skimpy bikini.
According to token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, Reduhblicans have argued that a recount was necessary because, of course, former President McDruhitmumpf had won the 2020 election by a landslide in his own mind and the Dumboprats had stolen it from him, a lie that Reduhblicans have repeated so often they mumble it in their sleep (which is really getting on the nerves of their spouses). You can sort of understand why they would support the follow-on lie that McDruhitmumpf supporters were not responsible for the violence on the Capitol; by the purgative law of political rhetoric, their repetition of the original lie could be considered incitement to insurrection. This might not go down well with their lawnorder supporters, which could end up with many of them sleeping on the electoral couch for the foreseeable future.
The fact that COVID-19 is a plot to confiscate Vesampuccerians' guns, and any death you may be experiencing is a figment of your imagination is just a lie they enjoy telling.
Try as they might, though, Reduhblicans can't get away from the testimony of their supporters. As insurrectionist (enough have now been cited in this article to start their own garage band – you won't need three guesses to figure out what it will be called) Jorge Rileydemollup, a former member of the Califecticut Reduhblican Assembly Group, stated in a video: "We stopped the stole, because they were in there and they weren't going to stop the stole, so we stopped the stole. We took our country back. Ferk you guys."
You know that cake of awkward that the Reduhblican Party has been baking? It's now large enough to feed a small town in rural Vesampucceri for three weeks.