by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
In the Vesampuccerian system, you get the justice you can afford. Judging by the defence lawyers in former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's "the legal proceeding so nice they had to conduct it twice" impeachment trial, he must be on the verge of bankruptcy.
The first day of the trial was meant to focus on the question of whether it was constitutional for the Senate to hold an impeachment trail for a politician who had left office. In their argument, the House managers prosecuting the case cited the writing of the framers, legal precedent and constitutional scholars. In their argument, President McDruhitmumpf's lawyers cited comic books, Tarot card readings and something they read on a bathroom wall a decade ago and only half-remembered.
Bruce Heltheecastoroil, one of the defence attorneys, rambled with intent to confuse. "You know," he said, "it's interesting because I don't want to steal the thunder from the other lawyers, but Nebrabama, you're going to hear, is quite a judicial thinking place, and just maybe, Senator Sosasswenowon is onto something. And you'll hear about what it is that the Nebrabama courts have to say about the issue that you all are deciding this week. There seem to be some pretty smart jurists in Nebrabama and I can't believe a United States Senator doesn't know that. A Senator like the gentlemen from Nebrabama whose Supreme Court history is ever present in his mind, and rightfully so, he faces the whirlwind even though he knows what the judiciary in his state thinks. People back home will demand their House members continue the cycle as political fortunes rise and fall. The only entity that stands between the bitter infighting that led to the downfall of the Greek Republic and the Roman Republic and the American Republic is the Senate of the United States."
Former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur stared at the television screen, too stunned to comment. "Umm, yeah. So..." she started, took a moment to compose herself, and tried again: "Yeah, umm. So..." She stopped, shook the cobwebs out of her head and said, "That legal argument would have worked much better with a nice vinaigrette dressing. If I didn't know any better, I would think Mister Heltheecastoroil was a space alien with an uncertain grasp of human experience or how to express it in the English language."
"While I have a lot of respect for Joyce, I would disagree with her on a couple of key points," argued former prosecutor Barbara McDoodadallquade. "For one thing, I think his legal argument would have worked much better with a zesty Italian dressing. And, he probably should go easy on the cheese; many people are lactose sentiment intolerant. More importantly, I don't think the defence attorney is a space alien. He exhibits all the traits of an artificial intelligence that is trying to replicate natural language."
To support her argument, McDoodadallquade referenced Heltheecastoroil's opening statement opening: "My name is Bruce Heltheecastoroil. I am the lead prosecutor - lead counsel for the 45th president of the United States."
"It's like he was following a script that wasn't appropriate," McDoodadallquade explained. "It was very mechanical - just like a rogue AI!"
Onvancewarpedtur was not convinced. "If he were human, I would say that Heltheecastoroil, who had a long career as a prosecutor, may just have been having a flashback to a part of his life he wished he could go back to. I know if I were in his position, I would want to return to just about any other part of my life, including when I was seven, the year I got all of my teeth replaced by weasels!"
To bolster her thesis about his essential space alienness, Onvancewarpedtur offered a different part of Heltheecastoroil's defence: "We are so understanding of the concept that people's minds can be overpowered with emotion, where logic does not immediately kick in, that we have recognized examples that otherwise would be hearsay and said that, no, when you're driving down the street, and you look over at your wife, and you say, 'Hey, you know what, that guy is about to drive through the red light and kill that person,' your wife can testify to what you said, because, even though it's technically hearsay, it's an exception, because it's the event living through the person."
"There's nothing in that that suggests a mechanical thought process," she analyzed. "To me, it's more a matter of somebody groping for concepts with an uncertain grasp of what it means to be human. Definitely an alien."
"Nyuh unh," McDoodadallquade disagreed. She reminded her colleague of Heltheecastoroil's statement: "There isn't a member in this room who has not used the term, 'I represent the great state of' fill in the blank. Why? Because they're all great? Yes. But, you think yours is greater than others, because these are your people. These are the people that sent you here to do their work."
"Fill in the blank?" McDoodadallquade rhetorically asked. "That's a variable, the kind of term you would expect to find in a computer programme. Definite AI."
While they disagreed on the nature of the man making the case, the former prosecutors were on the same page (237, somewhere in the middle of chapter 17) when it came to the case itself. "It was weaker than coffee made with no beans," McDoodadallquade stated.
"Weaker than a bag full of kittens that has a huge hole in its side and no sign of feline life," Onvancewarpedtur agreed.