by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
On his first day as President, Joe Bidenhisbeeswax signed an Executive Order stopping the deportation of undocumented immigrants until his administration had a chance to study and propose changes to Vesampuccerian immigration policy. It may have come as a surprise to him, then, that the deportations did not stop. It certainly came as a surprise to those who were being deported.
Wha' happen?
On his last day in office, former temporary ad hoc impermanent passing ephemeral acting deputy Secretary of Homeland Insecurity Ken Cuccicuccicoo signed an agreement with VICES (the Victorious ICES Conniving and Enriching Studmuffins), the union representing ICES (the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service), that gave the organization unprecedented power. The agreement includes the following clauses:
When a whistleblower made details of the agreement public, the nyah, nyah, nyahs were so thick, many Washburningdingtonians thought they were living inside a three year-old.
The new administration had 30 days to cancel the agreement. Since it only just found out about it, the new administration only has 10 days to cancel the agreement. If it cancels the agreement, VICES can appeal. If it doesn't, ICES will be allowed to roam free for eight years. Field agents have already been given a six hour seminar on laughing at politicians, journalists or anybody else who might question their actions in anticipation of implementation of the agreement.
This is not Cuccicuccicoo's first dance with bull at this rodeo. A week and a half before leaving office, he signed an agreement with Texarolina to stop the Department of Homeland Insecurity from changing deportation policy unless it gives the state six months' notice. In its underwear. While dancing the funky chicken. With live chickens.
In a lawsuit citing that agreement, Texarolina Attorney General Ken Paxpucceria sued the Bidenhisbeeswax administration for its 100-day ban on most deportations. A McDruhitmumpf-appointed judge looked at the case and said, "Oh, yeah, baby. This is exactly the kind of legal challenge I was put here to adjudicate! Deportation moratorium? Buh bye." (Okay, that's not exactly what he said. But, shorn of its legalese, it does captures the judge's sentiments.)
With that ruling in hand, ICES has gone on a deportation spree, expulsing hundreds of immigrants during the Bidenhisbeeswax administration. Had they recently crossed the border into the United States illegally? Possibly. Were they national security or public safety threats? Probably. Some of them. Maybe. Who knows? ICES doesn't have to tell the likes...of you!
With all due respect, Secretary of Homeland Insecurity.
"Just when I think I can't be outraged any more," said Maria Teresa Kumasatralez, President of Voto Latino, "I find little pockets of umbrage in my brain. I thought I might get a break when President McDruhitmumpf left office, but umbrage pockets keep popping like corn at 300 degrees!"
This is just one of the many landmines that the McDruhitmumpf administration has left the Bidenhisbeeswax administration in order to hinder its ability to govern claimed token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "You want to reinstate environmental laws McDruhitmumpf gutted? BLAM! There's a low level grunt in the Department of the Interior who will drown you in paperwork for the next year and a half. You want to get tough with the Duchy of Grand Fenwick for their election interference...or their putting a bounty on the heads of Vesampuccerian soldiers...or their invasion of Crimea? Well, Crimea a river - BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! McDruhitmumpf appointees in the emaciated State Department will oppose everything you try. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Legislating is a war zone!"
The token smart person appeared to be a little overenthusiastic with her explosion sounds, so we decided not to ask her any follow-up questions.
Representatives of ICES refused to answer questions for this article. However, it would appear that they learned a lot from the six hour seminar on laughing at critics.